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seperating, unmarried but with mortgage. advice please

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Has anyone any experience of this please? I have a 6 yo son with my partner of i think 9 years, mortgage for 7½years. We did some mortgage thing were I get my deposit back should we sell the house but has anyone just split and moved away from the family home without looseing it?
Or is it a case of you have to sell the house when you split?
My brain is going into overdrive and my bf knows I'm not happy with him and hes also specifically said dont sleep with anyonr else so an open relationship is definately out the question!!
Sadly he is deluded to think cbt will make me love him again but I think for me things were definately rushed, hell I was 21 when we got the mortgage! I care and love him as my sons father but I just can't be with him. I hold too much resentment against him, is sending me into terrible rage and depression and ive probably slept with him 5 times in the last 6 years, and that was over a year ago!
Sorry for long post I just trying to get advice as its quite a big decision to make. I'd have to go into housing association as I dont earn enough to support myself and son privately :( but I dont know if I'm stable enough to have him but I think between me and partner we could work it out.
Thanks for reading. X
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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We also have joint loan but thats for a van thats 'his' and a credit card.... Would he keep the van loan as thats his vehicle even though its both names?
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Very sorry to hear your news.

You really need legal advice, Citizens Advice Bureau in the first instance can clarify things.

For the mortgage, I believe you can make a legal agreement to keep your interest in the property so that when eventually it is sold you would get a proportion of the money, it may be limited to a proportion of the value at the date of the agreement. However if you divorce all property matters will be negotiated. Why does it have to be you who moves out?

If you have a loan in joint names then you are both responsible. If you stay on good terms you could agree between the two of you that he will be responsible for payments.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I want him to stay here with my son. I will help where I can but I want my own space. I cant carry on living a lie. I dont feel capable of being a single mother, my son prefers my bf too so theyre are best here with the animals. But I would like to stay on good terms and visit
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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I think maybe writing out a list of the pro's and con's of both senario's may be beneficial to you. It is such a hard choice to make and I did it myself (sent the boys to my ex's family)over my mh when my boys got to be teens for safety reasons. Can I ask why you don't think you can be a single mum? What are your fears about it?
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I dont think I'm strong enough emotionally, he gets on better with his dad. I'm just not maternal but I do love him with all my heart, hes the only reason I havent ended it all.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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I found with my boys at that age dad was a hero, no matter what he did harmfull. It was because dad did the fun stuff with them when they had their visits. Mum was just the one to make them get up, go to school, eat their peas, do their homework, do the dishes, clean their rooms, get to bed. wipe their noses. Take a shower, send their friends home. ect ect ect. Just something to think about. :hug1:
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Yeah im the naggy one but id like him to stay in he family home, im the one who needs space. Im sure theyll be home soon and well have to talk. Luckily hes working away 6 weeks mon til thurs
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Is there somewhere you could go stay for a vacation, a weekend away. Just to get a break from it all and find out if being away is trully what you really want as a permanent solution. Not trying to sway you one way or the other. It's a very personal decision and only you will know ultimately what is right to do for you.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I'm sorry I wouldn't have the first clue where to start with this sort of thing, but just wanted to say I hope that you can find a way forward soon.
Sounds very complicated and a stressful situation - something you could well do without. x
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Hes working away mon-thurs for 6 weeks thank god!

The problem is I dont love him romantically, hes my sons father and I want the best for him so I will help pay bills here in out mortgage home, I just hope the council can home me cheaply near by for my own space
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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It does sound like you have been thinking this through for quite a while. Hope you don't get too much of a fight from your boyfriend. For me breaking off living together with my boyfriend is the best thing we did. We get along really well now. More for the companionship than the romantic side of things. But he's been a bachelor so many years and me with my trust issues and hypersensitivity, It was the best thing. Have you spoken with a solicitor or the housing yet? Done your homework so to speak. Best to be prepared as much as possible ahead of time. Would make it much easier on all of you.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Ive been thinking for years :( but no real research, I need to do it but I'm so scared but if I stay here I will continue to spiral out of control
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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I would talk to a lawyer first before you do anything, start taking inventory of all the assets and things you want to move with you and the things your willing to leave behind. Write out your income and expenses to figure the fairest amount you can offer for support. See what financial supports he thinks are best and definately talk to housing about your options. I left almost everything behind in my haste to get out of my last relationship against my lawyers advice, now I regret just how many things I did loose that were my family heirlooms which he now enjoys.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Talking to a lawyer is scarey theres not much here I want just my clothes a fridge and freezer (weve got a fridge freezer, one fridge and two freezers!!) so yeah I duno... I'd leave animal here and I'd visit him when I could here.
 
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