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Semi Functional BPD: I'm killing myself soon

G

gata1995

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Joined
Apr 7, 2015
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1
I'm a 19 year old female. I graduated school almost a year ago. I recently found out I had BPD and I wish I had found out sooner. As of lately, waking up makes me sad. Doing any task makes me sad. I think about killing myself more than several times a day. I obsess over a certain method. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years was the last person on my side but because of my BPD, our plans to move to Austin together fell apart. Now I'm back at my grandmothers house, where my narcassistic mother and her newborn baby live. I wish both would die. I dont leave the house anymore except to buy a pack of cigarettes. I sleep often and when I'm awake I am either crying, begging my ex to take me back, or taking meds to make myself "happy". My room is never clean and lately because of the summer, bugs have start to find their way in. We live in an old house, however my mother blames me and often threatens to have me committed because i make her "look bad". Shes in the middle of a custody battle and I could care less if she loses her baby. She has always verbally abused me and is an undiagnosed narcassist. Right now her and my grandmother are threatening to kick me out. My grandma is never home and often spends time with her boyfriend, so why she butts in I have no idea. As of right now, suicide really is my only solution since I wont have anywhere to go soon. I'm a fucking nutcase and Im pretty sure I wont get any better since the people in my life have either left me or hate me. All of my friends went to college after high school. Mycareer as an artist went down the drain as i have been so depressed i cant even function anymore. I used to be pretty but developed dermatillomania after my breakup as well as eczema, now i have zero self esteem. As i see it, there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. Im planning on killing myself this week since my mother plans to have me committed soon.
 
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cassandra36

cassandra36

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Are you prescribed adderall? If so take it as directed, snorting it is not an approved methodmethod of ingestion. So what if you're batshit crazy, most artists are. I went down the self medication road, I've been off of drugs for a year now got the right meds and desperately trying to rebuild and recover. The drug route is bad for people with mental health because it confuses things for the doctors next thing you know you're on the wrong meds and worse off then you were on illegal drugs. I am 36 years old and it's taking awhile to fix my bullshit, you're only 19 it will take less time for you if you really work on recovery and getting help. The bad part of being 19 is you feel things so deeply it's almost unbearable. My first ex wife was cheating on me with a guy I worked with at 19 trust me I know how crazy things seem. My family issues were there too. You can do this, get out of this mess while you're young so it doesn't become totally fucked up 10-15 years down the road.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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You sound more angry than anything else, to me. I'm not saying that's a bad thing - far from it - but it suggests to me that there's stuff going on that you might benefit from talking through with someone. Can you get any sort of counselling or therapy or anything like that?
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
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Location
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Hey gata1995, please remember you're going through an incredibly rough time right now where you've just broken up with someone and you're not over it yet, you're not getting any support from your family and you're worried about where you're going to live. That would be hard for anyone, and it's no wonder you're feeling so down right now. Please also remember that it would be wrong to kill yourself forever because of the way you feel right now. It seems bleak right now, but it won't be like this forever.

I'm glad you've reached out to us about feeling suicidal, because it's a sign that at least part of you is hanging on - and that's a really good sign. Thank you for doing that. I'm sure, deep down, this isn't quite what you want.

I'm also so sorry you're struggling with your BPD. It's really hard for other people to understand, and I'm so sorry your relationship broke down as a result, but you can get better; I've read that some people, after proper therapy, don't really show any signs of it in the future. You're only 19 and you have so much time to get better. You just need to find the right support.

I really hope you find a place where you feel supported soon. It sounds like you're in a nasty situation and I hope you can get out of there soon.

Wishing you the best.

Please keep talking to us, if you feel you're able; let us help you through this. :)
 
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