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Wan Shi Tong
Member
Being a BPD patient means experimenting a lot of feelings regarding myself, particularly about self-esteem and self-worth. I'm a lawyer, and the COVID 19 pandemic hasn't affected me as much as many others in my country (I'm from Mexico). My work allows me to do a lot of things from home, and that's what I've been doing. And that's precisely the problem. I never wanted to be a lawyer. And even though I learned to enjoy what I do, right now I feel like the most useless person in the world. Most of my cousins and my sister work in healthcare (physicians, nurses and dentists), and they are out there putting their lives at risk to keep us safe. And I am here, doing some boring crap about Local Attorneys General Offices (and, trust me, it is even more boring than it sounds). For some reason that's making me really anxious. Not only because of my family, but also because I need to feel that I am doing something for others.
I wasn't allowed to choose my career path, it was more of a circumstancial matter. And I don't have what it takes to become a physician (I have a huge phobia to needles that almost incapacitates me when I see one). I knew, from the moment I was meant to choose something to make a living, that I couldn't be a medical professional. But I'm also aware that I don't want to be lawyer. I like what I do, but it's not transcendental, it's not of any value. In the grand order of things, I'm just contributing to some really little effort to change things, and this tiny effort is not going to make any kind of impact at all. I'm not doing what I convinced myself I would be doing by this time in my life with my career, and that's making me feel like a failure.
I almost had a huge rage outburst a few days ago, when I tried to volunteer for some public effort and I wasn't allowed because of my professional background. And I wasn't angry at the people who told me that I couldn't volunteer for that specific task (it was for my safety). I was angry at myself for feeling so useless.
I know that my attitude might seem really childish, but I can't help it. And that feeling is really adding up to others that make me question my purpose in life. I am not happy with my relationship, I am not happy with my self-image and I am not happy with my career/job. And that's destroying me.
I've been having a lot of bouts of depression and that's causing me troubles with many other things. My emotions are out of control and I can't control my rage. A few months ago I really hurt myself, and I hurt myself again yesterday. I don't know what to think or what to do...
Sorry for my terrible English and for this post, I just needed to get it out. Everyone be safe and take care of yourself and your loved ones. Sending you all the good vibes I can, wherever you are.
I wasn't allowed to choose my career path, it was more of a circumstancial matter. And I don't have what it takes to become a physician (I have a huge phobia to needles that almost incapacitates me when I see one). I knew, from the moment I was meant to choose something to make a living, that I couldn't be a medical professional. But I'm also aware that I don't want to be lawyer. I like what I do, but it's not transcendental, it's not of any value. In the grand order of things, I'm just contributing to some really little effort to change things, and this tiny effort is not going to make any kind of impact at all. I'm not doing what I convinced myself I would be doing by this time in my life with my career, and that's making me feel like a failure.
I almost had a huge rage outburst a few days ago, when I tried to volunteer for some public effort and I wasn't allowed because of my professional background. And I wasn't angry at the people who told me that I couldn't volunteer for that specific task (it was for my safety). I was angry at myself for feeling so useless.
I know that my attitude might seem really childish, but I can't help it. And that feeling is really adding up to others that make me question my purpose in life. I am not happy with my relationship, I am not happy with my self-image and I am not happy with my career/job. And that's destroying me.
I've been having a lot of bouts of depression and that's causing me troubles with many other things. My emotions are out of control and I can't control my rage. A few months ago I really hurt myself, and I hurt myself again yesterday. I don't know what to think or what to do...
Sorry for my terrible English and for this post, I just needed to get it out. Everyone be safe and take care of yourself and your loved ones. Sending you all the good vibes I can, wherever you are.