Self-Sabotage & Regrets

S

sunshine7

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Aug 11, 2019
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I recently moved to a new city & started house hunting w/ a real estate agent, looking for my dream home and my dream girl.

My agent & I really hit it off since day one, she is also gay, single & we share many core values. There was instant mutual attraction & intense chemistry but I tried to play it cool. On my list of desirable traits in a partner she hits every one & this is very rare.

She started texting me casually & invited me to a local event where we had a wonderful time chatting. Then we got into a property deal that was a bad investment so I backed out, which caused some temporary distance between us but we regained the connection. She invited me to her home & literally fed me all the stuff she had in her fridge (lol), and it was the beginning of something beautiful. At this point my feelings for her were intensely growing.

The next day I went into contract w/ my dream home, the one I was searching for but I backed out & not sure why. I think it was a combo of factors, fears, big investment & mainly self sabotage. To this day I have serious regrets about walking away from my dream home & I realized how unstable I am. I also realized how severe my BPD is & how it now negatively flows into all areas of my life.

Then I found a condo that I put an offer on, but had to back out as the HOA was in financial trouble.
At this point my agent tells me our working relationship isn't healthy nor productive & she feels I'm not ready to buy a home yet. She feels there is something in the way of me committing to a home & basically walked away.

I messaged her asking if we can give it another run & she said no but that she will write an offer for a property we already looked at, but not engage in any new home searches.

I can understand her point of view but I feel like she gave up too soon & giving it another try to me sounds reasonable. I also feel if she really cared she would have committed herself to helping me find a property. A big part of my disappointment is besides some mistakes made she's a superstar of an agent & I haven't found anyone even close yet as a quality replacement. I feel I would be at a disadvantage going back out there with a less experienced agent, which I've expressed to her. I also have feelings for her so it's hard letting go.

Thoughts? Do you think her actions were reasonable?
 
Lunus

Lunus

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May 20, 2019
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Norfolk
I recently moved to a new city & started house hunting w/ a real estate agent, looking for my dream home and my dream girl.

My agent & I really hit it off since day one, she is also gay, single & we share many core values. There was instant mutual attraction & intense chemistry but I tried to play it cool. On my list of desirable traits in a partner she hits every one & this is very rare.

She started texting me casually & invited me to a local event where we had a wonderful time chatting. Then we got into a property deal that was a bad investment so I backed out, which caused some temporary distance between us but we regained the connection. She invited me to her home & literally fed me all the stuff she had in her fridge (lol), and it was the beginning of something beautiful. At this point my feelings for her were intensely growing.

The next day I went into contract w/ my dream home, the one I was searching for but I backed out & not sure why. I think it was a combo of factors, fears, big investment & mainly self sabotage. To this day I have serious regrets about walking away from my dream home & I realized how unstable I am. I also realized how severe my BPD is & how it now negatively flows into all areas of my life.

Then I found a condo that I put an offer on, but had to back out as the HOA was in financial trouble.
At this point my agent tells me our working relationship isn't healthy nor productive & she feels I'm not ready to buy a home yet. She feels there is something in the way of me committing to a home & basically walked away.

I messaged her asking if we can give it another run & she said no but that she will write an offer for a property we already looked at, but not engage in any new home searches.

I can understand her point of view but I feel like she gave up too soon & giving it another try to me sounds reasonable. I also feel if she really cared she would have committed herself to helping me find a property. A big part of my disappointment is besides some mistakes made she's a superstar of an agent & I haven't found anyone even close yet as a quality replacement. I feel I would be at a disadvantage going back out there with a less experienced agent, which I've expressed to her. I also have feelings for her so it's hard letting go.

Thoughts? Do you think her actions were reasonable?
I would say her actions were reasonable. I’d just find another agent. If you do it doesn’t mean you can’t still see her on a personal basis.
 
H

Helena1

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I would think it best if you have/ want a personal relationship with someone that you don't have a business one.

I remember when my brother bought a house and he was flip flopping about doing it for ages, it is a huge investment and a risk, it is understandable to be apprehensive about it.
 
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dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
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I backed out & not sure why. I think it was a combo of factors, fears, big investment & mainly self sabotage. To this day I have serious regrets about walking away from my dream home & I realized how unstable I am. I also realized how severe my BPD is & how it now negatively flows into all areas of my life.
Commitment is a huge deal, for anyone.
As others have said, buying a house is a huge investment.

Try not to pigeonhole yourself into the box of "Omg my borderline is so severe, I am so fucked, negativity flows into all areas of my life" because, well... do you have any idea how terrible that sounds?

That is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Honestly, we have no idea how powerful the things we think are. The ideas we tell ourselves can literally create our next reality.

I know it feels so instinctive at times to beat yourself into that self-defeating corner, but you need to stop buying into this idea that everything is gonna go bad. I am also guilty of this. All the time I give up hope. But part of fighting the BPD is deciding not to be a victim to it.

The fact is buying a house is massive for anyone, as someone with mental health issues, yeah it's probably even worse.

I feel like you put too much pressure on yourself even from the first line of your post. You went in looking for your dream house and your dream girl. Sure, it's brilliant and amazing that you want these things, and you have these dreams, but give yourself a little time and space.
Making decisions is fucking hard and sometimes all we need is a breather and to give ourselves AIR to guide us in the right direction.

My ten cents, Yours sincerely,

a complete screw up who is learning through her own, terrible, on-going, BPD- induced mistakes.
(See the irony in what I did there)
 
S

sunshine7

Member
Joined
Aug 11, 2019
Messages
7
Location
cali
Commitment is a huge deal, for anyone.
As others have said, buying a house is a huge investment.

Try not to pigeonhole yourself into the box of "Omg my borderline is so severe, I am so fucked, negativity flows into all areas of my life" because, well... do you have any idea how terrible that sounds?

That is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Honestly, we have no idea how powerful the things we think are. The ideas we tell ourselves can literally create our next reality.

I know it feels so instinctive at times to beat yourself into that self-defeating corner, but you need to stop buying into this idea that everything is gonna go bad. I am also guilty of this. All the time I give up hope. But part of fighting the BPD is deciding not to be a victim to it.

The fact is buying a house is massive for anyone, as someone with mental health issues, yeah it's probably even worse.

I feel like you put too much pressure on yourself even from the first line of your post. You went in looking for your dream house and your dream girl. Sure, it's brilliant and amazing that you want these things, and you have these dreams, but give yourself a little time and space.
Making decisions is fucking hard and sometimes all we need is a breather and to give ourselves AIR to guide us in the right direction.

My ten cents, Yours sincerely,

a complete screw up who is learning through her own, terrible, on-going, BPD- induced mistakes.
(See the irony in what I did there)


Wise words & I appreciate the directness. I sometimes get absorbed in my emotions but I can see how I'm defeating myself with my own words.

I'm taking more time out & enjoying nature :)
 

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