Self loathing, and how to reach out?

Hannahbanana

Hannahbanana

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Joined
Jan 15, 2011
Messages
51
Location
York, UK
#1
So I just feel such deep and unrelenting self loathing at the moment. I hate everything about myself, and would be hard pushed to think of a more pathetic, ridiculous person.

Self harming is a relatively new development in my long struggle with anxiety and depression, and I feel like it just makes me even more of a joke, not that I mean to say that people who hurt themselves are jokes.

I dont do what I guess is the most common or at least most talked about thing (not really sure how much is OK to say on here), and I feel like this makes it seem more like I'm only attention seeking or being manipulative.

Unlike most self harmers (I think), I have had several outbursts in front of my boyfriend, and I'm sure he thinks I'm just doing it to make him feel bad, but really I just can't stop myself. The times it has happened has been when we're arguing and I just get really frustrated, can't get my point across and just, can't take the chaos I guess, that's going on in my head.

I really want to try and get him to understand that I'm not doing it to make him feel bad, and that I need help, but I'm too embarrassed. as well as that I don't won't him to worry, and I know he will terribly and probably blame himself. Like most people he sometimes says nasty things when we argue which I know he doesn't mean, but really hurt, and I've tld him this. But it's not his fault I do this, I do it just when I'm thinking about how much of a tit I am.

How should I tell him. I thought about emailing some stuff from a self harm site, but it just felt like he would see it and thing I was blaming him (we had an argument last night which was totaly him blowing things out of prop ortion and I hurt myself and he got really angry and said I was acting likea two year old)? Or it was really impersonal, but not sure I can talk about it face to face yet. Any ideas?
 
RedRoseBeauty

RedRoseBeauty

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Feb 10, 2010
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2,374
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A city in a country.
#2
Write a letter.
I've written my boyfriend letters in the past because I don't know how to word things when I speak.
I too have harmed when I've had an arguement with him, infact the other week my bf walked in and was shocked to see me on the bathroom floor with **** blood down my leg. He's only ever seen the scars/scabs.

Explain to him as best you can that it's your coping method like I'm sure he has one. My bf asked why I SH'd I said you go quiet or lash out and throw things when you're upset/angry/frustrated I lash out at myself.
He couldn't understand why but everytime this happens I always tell him it's not his fault although sometimes it is :/

But long story short, try writing a letter or as you said show him a SH website.
 
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Angels

Angels

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May 29, 2010
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2,466
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Oblivion
#3
I think hes angry because he cares for you. lets face it: no one wants to see the people they love hurt themselves. i had a guy that self harmed infront of me and well its just not at all pleasant. you need to see where he is coming from because hes concerned. giving him information on self harm might or might not help.
 
maxitab

maxitab

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Sep 18, 2010
Messages
10,392
Location
In Devon
#4
There are some good information leaflets produced by Mind ( and possibly others) you could leave one in the loo....(we have lots of reading material in the loo!)
Sometimes written info from a reputable source is more respected than things we say - it should not be that way but it is.....

I think like many peeps have said before, trying to get a non SHer to understand is very difficult. Not impossible, but definitely hard.
 
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