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Self-loathing and depression.. I need a way out

C

ChrisHH

New member
Joined
Feb 11, 2015
Messages
2
I'm a 25 year old man with self-esteem issues that ruin my life and suck every ounce of pleasure out of my days. I'd appraciate any help and advice because honestly, at this point I have no idea what I should do.
About 5 years ago, I noticed a feature on my face: I have a small, receding chin which gives my face a timid, weak look. I didn't dwell on it very much at first, because I didn't think looks are that much important on a guy in the first place.
However, the years went by, and while the guys I considered good looking all ended up with attractive girlfriends/partners, I never did. I was a failure with women, and had no positive reinforcement. I started to blame my looks more and more. I read up on evolutionary biology, social experiments about attractiveness, etc. These things verified my fears of being unattractive, and I started to feel like an inferior, genetic waste.
I became obsessed with looks. I spent (and spend) a ton of money on flattering clothes, how I carry myself, what haircut I should wear, etc. I desperately craved any attention from any woman I found attractive.
But even though I only looked better, mentally I got worse and worse. I always looked at guys who had attractive girlfriends and compared myself to them, and I always found myself inferior. However, for a long time, I still thought that even if I am not very good looking, I will find at least someone with whom I'll have mutual attraction.
What destroyed me is when I started to think that I will NEVER be attractive to anyone who is attractive to me. This thought became so prevalent in me that from then on, I couldn't imagine that someone who I'm attracted to could reciprocate this.
I'm at the point where I find going out in public a torment. The streets are full of pretty, attractive women and their sight crushes me. Seeing a desirable woman is like a hammerblow to my chest for me, doubly so if she is with her boyfriend. I feel so frustrated, envious, humiliated, and I can't escape this train of thought. For this reason, many times I don't go out for long periods (for weeks even), and I simply feel neutral instead of tormented, but then it's enough if I see an attractive woman's picture and I'm done for.
I've also tried to "settle" for someone I didn't find attractive in the hope that love may grow. It didn't. It destroyed me even more, and I still craved someone I am attracted to, while also hating myself for leading on an otherwise kind-hearted, nice girl.
I feel trapped in my body. I feel helpless. I want to be someone else. I don't know what to do.
 

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
Hi and :welcome: to the forum :)

I'm a 25 year old man with self-esteem issues that ruin my life and suck every ounce of pleasure out of my days. I'd appraciate any help and advice because honestly, at this point I have no idea what I should do.
About 5 years ago, I noticed a feature on my face: I have a small, receding chin which gives my face a timid, weak look. I didn't dwell on it very much at first, because I didn't think looks are that much important on a guy in the first place.
Now before I try and answer the rest of your post, when I was reading the post the phrase I have bolded stood out to me.

That is an important thing to say to yourself. It also shows to me that you seem like a great guy. Not that many see that. (Not an insult to men, just my opinion :))


However, the years went by, and while the guys I considered good looking all ended up with attractive girlfriends/partners, I never did. I was a failure with women, and had no positive reinforcement. I started to blame my looks more and more. I read up on evolutionary biology, social experiments about attractiveness, etc. These things verified my fears of being unattractive, and I started to feel like an inferior, genetic waste.
It is horrible when you see that and you do wonder what actually is wrong with you, I certainly do. There are some people who seem confident and the way they act attract people but also you will find that they go through a lot of partners. That is because, again in my opinion they don't know how else to act and sometimes when they start being themselves it scares the hell out of them and then they carry on performing instead of actually letting the partner see the true them. It's a car crash waiting to happen.

I became obsessed with looks. I spent (and spend) a ton of money on flattering clothes, how I carry myself, what haircut I should wear, etc. I desperately craved any attention from any woman I found attractive.
But even though I only looked better, mentally I got worse and worse. I always looked at guys who had attractive girlfriends and compared myself to them, and I always found myself inferior. However, for a long time, I still thought that even if I am not very good looking, I will find at least someone with whom I'll have mutual attraction
Now I'm not going to say I don't do this, I do but sometimes the harder you seem to try to change yourself the more fake you seem to be. It's only been recent that I have actually going out and being myself. I describe myself as a Tomboy personally and I get on with fellow Tomboys and men more than anyone. That tends to get me into the "Friendzone."

You do need to try your best to be yourself. If you aren't yourself then more than likely that any relationship you get yourself into won't work out. It's so bloody hard when you aren't attracting someone, it makes you feel like a ton of dog poop doesn't it? but the more you aren't yourself the more unhappy you are going to be.

One day you may or may not find someone who likes you for being you.

What destroyed me is when I started to think that I will NEVER be attractive to anyone who is attractive to me. This thought became so prevalent in me that from then on, I couldn't imagine that someone who I'm attracted to could reciprocate this.
I'm at the point where I find going out in public a torment. The streets are full of pretty, attractive women and their sight crushes me. Seeing a desirable woman is like a hammerblow to my chest for me, doubly so if she is with her boyfriend. I feel so frustrated, envious, humiliated, and I can't escape this train of thought. For this reason, many times I don't go out for long periods (for weeks even), and I simply feel neutral instead of tormented, but then it's enough if I see an attractive woman's picture and I'm done for.
I've also tried to "settle" for someone I didn't find attractive in the hope that love may grow. It didn't. It destroyed me even more, and I still craved someone I am attracted to, while also hating myself for leading on an otherwise kind-hearted, nice girl.
I feel trapped in my body. I feel helpless. I want to be someone else. I don't know what to do.
Have you ever thought of doing something like CBT to help with your self esteem? What is screaming out to me in your post is that your self esteem is really low and it's affecting your life in a massive way, especially if you are thinking all those thoughts when you are out and about.

I will finish these ramblings by putting down what you said at the start of your post;

"because I didn't think looks are that much important on a guy in the first place."

Take care.

Marliee x
 
C

ChrisHH

New member
Joined
Feb 11, 2015
Messages
2
Thanks for the reply.
Well, the problem is, by now I know that physical attraction is just as important to women as it is to men. Couples tend to match eatch other in attractiveness. And my match, I reckon, is someone I wouldn't be attracted to.
If I was fat, or unkempt, or too skinny, it would be all right: these things can be sorted out. But even though I do everything in my power to look good, my problems are my face and my height.
We tell each other "there's nothing wrong with you", but that's not enough. Seeking partners is a competition, and being all right is worth nothing, because there will always be someone who is more than all right, except for individuals that are only "all right" themselves.
You said that more universally attractive people go through a lot of partners. Why would this be bad? This is how you gain experience, confidence, find out what you really want, and then find the one you want to spend your life with. In contrast, here I am at 25, tormented inside, feeling inadequate and inferior, without any reference that I can be attractive to someone I would want to be with.
Also, I have already found someone who loved me for who I am, but I didn't love her. I couldn't be happy in a relationship where I simply took what I could get. I know it sounds terribly shallow but I simply can't imagine being happy without having mutual physical attraction with someone -without this, it's just a close friendship.
This whole thing also stops me from living up to my potential in other areas. I am qiute intelligent and have talent in a few things, but I simply can't concentrate on them because all my mental energy is wasted on these self-destructing thoughts. I even fear applying for jobs, because in my country you need a picture in your CV, and I feel when a HR person sees it, he/she will disqualify me at once in favor of someone better looking.
 
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