- Mar 1, 2021
Friday I have a therapy appointment. It will be my first in over 15 years. Things have been complicated lately. My mind and soul have been a cluttered mess. I have the best son in the world and the most amazing husband. My mom is ill and I have been caring for her. There is a history of love and abuse there. It's hard watching her slowly fade away and in the process I am crushed. I miss my dad. He was the calm stable guide. Such a love. I have suicidal thoughts but I have always just thought of them as thoughts. After all I am a mom, a wife, a teacher... My cousin and one of my best most admirable friends left us in December 2017. She and I would have heart to heart talks. She was going through a lot, but she had a sparkle and was such a role mode, only 5 years older than me. She was a mom. I felt torn but I felt angry at family who said things like the one who took her own life. That silenced me in anger, those comments of judgement. In some perhaps insane moments I felt peace or bravery for her. Still I want her here. I miss her. But, I understand and that is scary. I wish I could have been there more. I wish I were there. I was helping her help her son, and I didn't realize her danger. We think thoughts but we wont do them. That was my thinking. It stopped me in my tracks of the danger of my own thoughts. How could someone so beautiful, so amazing, so strong do this. I don't have answers but I miss her and more importantly I understand. I also understand that I need to be careful. This has felt like a crushing year. I want to be here for my life, for my son, for me. I don't have any bad plans. Today as I write this I feel like a fraud. I am feeling nothing. I feel distant from me. I love my husband and my son. I love my family. I love life. I don't even know how to explain me to a therapist but I do know that I want help and I want to be able to feel well. Yes, there are lots of things that are happening now that can crush my spirit, but even when things are ok sometimes I don't feel ok. There is a line in a song that I understand fully, " You look really good down here, but you're not really good". It's simple but it says it. I want to be good.