Y
yonce
New member
I got dealt a shitty hand growing up This led me to be a shitty person and make shitty decisions which constantly backfired. Mental health visits were common, and I was even forced from school to go to a hospital. My only memories was of a girl, who for some reason put up with me for a decade. The only experiences worth remembering involves her. I am addicted to her. I don't know to deal with any my issues without her help. I lied to her, manipulated her, to where I had a noticeably negative affect on her life until she wised up and left me.
I don't have family. She was it. I lied to my recruiter about going to mental health hospitals. now I can't go back. It's one thing to lie to a recruiter, but I hold a clearance now. I'm now in the lowest point I've ever been. I cant blame anyone but myself. I csnt get help. I'm scared it'll come up I went to mental health clinics before I joined. I've tried everything to get better myself.
everytime I get somewhere crippling self hatred comes abd pulls me back down. I used to be able to rely on her. But now I'm alone and don't know how to fix myself. It was going downhill when she was here, but she left when I was already at a considerable low and never climbed back. I csnt blame anyone but myself for being a asshole to everyone who cared about me, and if I wasn't caught in my web of lies I don't think I would've changed. I'm trying to be a better person. But I can't convince myself that I am. Anxiety is keeping me in the lowest low antisocial behaviors have brought me to.
I don't know what else to do but post. An incident during airborne school made me realize I might have suicidal behaviors too. I cant keep them at bay for long. I'm too scared to go to command about it. I'm scared of being called an attention seeker. Scared of getting kicked out.
I don't have family. She was it. I lied to my recruiter about going to mental health hospitals. now I can't go back. It's one thing to lie to a recruiter, but I hold a clearance now. I'm now in the lowest point I've ever been. I cant blame anyone but myself. I csnt get help. I'm scared it'll come up I went to mental health clinics before I joined. I've tried everything to get better myself.
everytime I get somewhere crippling self hatred comes abd pulls me back down. I used to be able to rely on her. But now I'm alone and don't know how to fix myself. It was going downhill when she was here, but she left when I was already at a considerable low and never climbed back. I csnt blame anyone but myself for being a asshole to everyone who cared about me, and if I wasn't caught in my web of lies I don't think I would've changed. I'm trying to be a better person. But I can't convince myself that I am. Anxiety is keeping me in the lowest low antisocial behaviors have brought me to.
I don't know what else to do but post. An incident during airborne school made me realize I might have suicidal behaviors too. I cant keep them at bay for long. I'm too scared to go to command about it. I'm scared of being called an attention seeker. Scared of getting kicked out.
