Self-harming again

[ForeverDandelion]

A couple of months ago I broke a few years of being clean of SH. I was/still am deeply disappointing and ashamed of myself. But in that moment when I did it I felt such a major sense of relief. The second half of 2019, my mental health went downhill and since then I've been the worst mentally I've ever been in my life. I caved and gave in to hurting myself because I was feeling such intense self-hatred, struggling with my mental illnesses and wanted to take it out on myself.

The main attitude I have towards it is shame and embarrassment. 1) I really didn't think I'd ever get that low again after being clean for so long and 2) I'm 21. I feel like I'm too old to be self-harming. I'm probably feeding into the stigma but why am I going back to an unhealthy coping mechanism that I had when I was 14? I don't know anyone else my age who still struggles with this. I honestly forgot what it felt like before those few months ago, and it all came back to me. I always bottle up my feelings and I struggle with self confidence, I'm majorly insecure and pretty much hate myself. I kill the pain on the inside by hurting the outside. Also I forgot about the whole having to wear long sleeved clothes to hide my scars. I'm starting a new job in less than a week and you think I'd be in a happier state of mind and wouldn't crave the idea of harming myself? But nope! The joys of being mentally ill and never feeling like I'm worthy.

Again, the forefront reason I'm hurting myself again is because I'm very mentally ill and it's overwhelming. For 3 years I changed my scenery, made a new life for myself and made an effort to change my mindset and was very happy for 3+ years. I just wish I wasn't mentally ill. I wish I had normal thoughts and not evil, hateful negative voices in my head. I think I'm addicted to being hard on myself and beating myself up, if that makes sense?

Sorry that this was just a long whiney rant. I wanted to verbalise my feelings because I have no one to tell.

 

[Nukelavee]

I'm sorry you're going through this again. If nothing else, don't feel worse because you think you should have outgrown it by now. I'm turning 52, and put myself in the hospital last spring, so...

I do think you can get addicted to being hard on yourself, or anything else. It's a flawed coping mechanism - so, bad, obviously, but, also - there's a reason it happens. A trigger. You need to actively create a better way to deal with the feelings that drive you to it.

We self harm, in part, because we can't discuss our pain. I think we do it in part to give ourselves a legitimate reason to feel bad as anything. I don't actually mean the physical pain - I mean the pain of knowing we gave in again. The mood hits, and our minds demand there be a reason for it, so we create a known cause of feeling bad.

If that makes sense.

 

[linus]

I think group therapy could help you, can you ask around about any options?