F
ForeverDandelion
New member
A couple of months ago I broke a few years of being clean of SH. I was/still am deeply disappointing and ashamed of myself. But in that moment when I did it I felt such a major sense of relief. The second half of 2019, my mental health went downhill and since then I've been the worst mentally I've ever been in my life. I caved and gave in to hurting myself because I was feeling such intense self-hatred, struggling with my mental illnesses and wanted to take it out on myself.
The main attitude I have towards it is shame and embarrassment. 1) I really didn't think I'd ever get that low again after being clean for so long and 2) I'm 21. I feel like I'm too old to be self-harming. I'm probably feeding into the stigma but why am I going back to an unhealthy coping mechanism that I had when I was 14? I don't know anyone else my age who still struggles with this. I honestly forgot what it felt like before those few months ago, and it all came back to me. I always bottle up my feelings and I struggle with self confidence, I'm majorly insecure and pretty much hate myself. I kill the pain on the inside by hurting the outside. Also I forgot about the whole having to wear long sleeved clothes to hide my scars. I'm starting a new job in less than a week and you think I'd be in a happier state of mind and wouldn't crave the idea of harming myself? But nope! The joys of being mentally ill and never feeling like I'm worthy.
Again, the forefront reason I'm hurting myself again is because I'm very mentally ill and it's overwhelming. For 3 years I changed my scenery, made a new life for myself and made an effort to change my mindset and was very happy for 3+ years. I just wish I wasn't mentally ill. I wish I had normal thoughts and not evil, hateful negative voices in my head. I think I'm addicted to being hard on myself and beating myself up, if that makes sense?
Sorry that this was just a long whiney rant. I wanted to verbalise my feelings because I have no one to tell.
The main attitude I have towards it is shame and embarrassment. 1) I really didn't think I'd ever get that low again after being clean for so long and 2) I'm 21. I feel like I'm too old to be self-harming. I'm probably feeding into the stigma but why am I going back to an unhealthy coping mechanism that I had when I was 14? I don't know anyone else my age who still struggles with this. I honestly forgot what it felt like before those few months ago, and it all came back to me. I always bottle up my feelings and I struggle with self confidence, I'm majorly insecure and pretty much hate myself. I kill the pain on the inside by hurting the outside. Also I forgot about the whole having to wear long sleeved clothes to hide my scars. I'm starting a new job in less than a week and you think I'd be in a happier state of mind and wouldn't crave the idea of harming myself? But nope! The joys of being mentally ill and never feeling like I'm worthy.
Again, the forefront reason I'm hurting myself again is because I'm very mentally ill and it's overwhelming. For 3 years I changed my scenery, made a new life for myself and made an effort to change my mindset and was very happy for 3+ years. I just wish I wasn't mentally ill. I wish I had normal thoughts and not evil, hateful negative voices in my head. I think I'm addicted to being hard on myself and beating myself up, if that makes sense?
Sorry that this was just a long whiney rant. I wanted to verbalise my feelings because I have no one to tell.