Self discipline tips?

[kimmykat]

Hi.. I'm a 22 y/o female.. I have 2 kids. 2 different fathers. The first happened when I was so young, and that relationship ended tragically and I suffered trauma from it. For 2 years I could not stop contacting him, and the things I would say would make the situations worse. I was forced not to be in contact, and that is the only reason I stopped & moved on. 5 years later, I have another baby. I fall in love, he feeds me these beautiful lies.. and then wakes up one day 3 years later saying he no longer wants to do this anymore.. Blocked me, already sexually active, avoids me at all costs, and even informed him my kidneys are absolute sh** and he just straight up ignores me. Last week i was told that if I killed myself, they [child's father & family] would come take my baby from me at my funeral and not shed a tear. I dont have family or friends but my kids, so that hurt and made me realize how alone i truly am again. Atleast in my love life.. Although he's said nasty things to me & goes above and beyond to prove he wants nothing to do with me; what can I do to improve my self discipline? Sometimes, it's like this rage just clouds over me so intensely, and I HAVE to let him have a piece of my mind. I do it involuntarily it seems, like I black out going in the entire process of messaging him. He leaves me on read/seen all the time, or will give me one sentence usually saying something like "move on" and "i dont want to talk unless if its for the baby" I'm starting to do things that are making the situation even more and more irreparable, even though this is already broken beyond repair. Now, we can't even effectively co-parent. It breaks my heart, and I often feel suicidal because I can't control myself, and people often make me feel really bad about it.

I try everything; from drawing & digital art, to music, to writing, coloring, playing with my kids and teaching them, taking walks, playing video games, reading, all that healthy good stuff.. but i keep getting flashbacks that make me extremely depressed and in the middle of my happiness, the light inside me seems to instantly die. it's only been one month, and I am so so hurt.
By 8pm im writing to him the same things i told him and begged him about previously 1mil times.
My mind doesn't want to process letting go.

Please, if anyone can leave some tips on how to really build discipline, I would extremely appreciate it.
I can't sleep my emotions away bc I have kids.. and I can't really just get up and go anywhere/do anything bc I live in a terrible neighborhood, no car, covid, short funds, and half the time im too depressed to even get out of bed sometimes.

 

[Purpleplum]

Could you write out what you feel like saying to him?

Do you have to be in contact with him? If not, delete him.

 

[bpd2020]

Hello Kimmykat. Welcome to the forum. I can understand you reaching out to your ex through feeling alone and wanting love. I do not think you are going to get what you want from him and it really would be better for your well being to stop contacting him. As you find it difficult to do that maybe you could block his contact details from your phone unless he sees the children.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist? When we have low self worth, therapy can be very helpful to get to the root of it and to help us find a way through.

 

[kimmykat]

Could you write out what you feel like saying to him?

Do you have to be in contact with him? If not, delete him.

He ignores me. Unless I say something about the baby, then I will instantly get a reply.
We dont have eachother on anything, but I go my way to reach out to him from different profiles.. and i hate it.

ive tried writing, and it only works temporarily, or i get frustrated because I cant write as fast as I think, and I want to say so much but i just feel like i cant. I write til it hurts, and still won't feel satisfied

 

[kimmykat]

Hello Kimmykat. Welcome to the forum. I can understand you reaching out to your ex through feeling alone and wanting love. I do not think you are going to get what you want from him and it really would be better for your well being to stop contacting him. As you find it difficult to do that maybe you could block his contact details from your phone unless he sees the children.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist? When we have low self worth, therapy can be very helpful to get to the root of it and to help us find a way through.

Yes I just found a new therapist, and she's good so far.. haven't started meds yet so I know it wont get better til then, but in between waiting for appointments, what am I to do? I don't have anyone to call and vent to when my emotions are overflowing, thus leaving me in panic mode alone with my thoughts, running back to the person I've been used to and adjusted to for 3 years...

 

[Purpleplum]

He ignores me. Unless I say something about the baby, then I will instantly get a reply.
We dont have eachother on anything, but I go my way to reach out to him from different profiles.. and i hate it.

ive tried writing, and it only works temporarily, or i get frustrated because I cant write as fast as I think, and I want to say so much but i just feel like i cant. I write til it hurts, and still won't feel satisfied

It sounds like you would do best with a counselor. Do not write anything to him that is not about the baby. Think of it this way--you do not want to give him the satisfaction.

 

[bpd2020]

I am so pleased to hear you are starting therapy. It can take time for therapy to help so do not despair if things are not changing yet. With needing to talk, how about this forum? If not then there are helplines available too.

 

[soul searching]

So glad you are seeing a therapist. Instead of focusing so much on him, he is not going to be of help to you, focus on your needs. Maybe vigorous exercise when you feel angry or upset. That alone could help a lot. Or you could try to channel that energy to do housecleaning or something productive. Try, maybe, empowering yourself with positive affirmations like: I can get through this, I am strong, I can make my life good again. Also prayer and meditation actually really work. Maybe you could give those a try. Be sure to eat right and get as much sleep as you can. This too shall pass. Talk here as much as you want.

 

[Lavender_Rose]

Is there a particular time you find yourself wanting to contact him. If so make that time about something else. Make it be the time you reward yourself with chocolate and just do something purely for you to treat yourself. Chocolate probably way better than talking to him anyways. You deserve better and your kids deserve better than someone who would say such things to their mom. I really like reading, and at one point I like inspiration books, now I'm more into fantasy. It kinda an escape from the everyday. Self disabling is hard. I think you really have to have a solid goal in mind. Like I want to move on, or im working on my independence. The know that this is what I have to do the accomplishments that. Draw on any kind of support system you have around you to keep you moving forward.
*BTW off subject but I love your profile pic

 

[swillis]

Would it be fair to say that the response is what you want?

The way it's come across is that when you type something to him, unless its about something close to him or concerning, he wont reply, so are you trying to get a reply? Maybe even subconsciously or is something happening in the back of your mind that needs that reply?

I'd say blocking them, but hes the father of your children, so theres always going to be a time when you have to communicate I guess, I'm not a parent but I would assume.

The only thing I could suggest, is write down your behaviours before it happens, if it's something you can anticipate, get as much information about how it unfolds as possible, so you can try to tackle it and come up with a strategy.

Set yourself a goal, if you hit an hour without doing it, thats milestone 1, if you reach 24 hours, milestone 2. If you fail after hitting a milestone or 2, do not consider it a total failure, you've managed to mitigate the problem and control your emotions for a period of time, see how long you can get to, if it gets longer each time, eventually you'll look back and go, I can do this for however long now.