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self destruct anxiety and possibly deppresion

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pdrpaul

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hi I have never posted on a forum like this but I have seriously went into self destruct... I started a new job yesterday and already I have not been able to go back today I have no idea what the hell I am going to say to the agency and I already started a week later due to making up a terrible excuse of a family member passing away last Monday (was up all night last Monday sweating soo badly and heart palptations etc:( I have a appointment with cpn tomorrow which I have never had either got this through GP seemed to wake up when I said I had thoughts of suicide (which last week was literally just to get them to wake up) now though I am actually having thoughts of just taking an overdose and vodka:low: I have previously messed up two other jobs in only a few months. I didn't even make the first day in first job in September and in December I got offered a good job in a car dealer ship and didn't make it back the second day due to anxiety:( left house and fiancée thought I went but I sat in car in nearby park trying to get myself together and I obviously didn't... now I have to go sign on today and its a review if I end up sanctioned I am soo in trouble even more as I have rent etc etc ..
 
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maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I work for an agency too if your unavailable just tell them :) they might suprise you. I have been honest with mine, granted recieve no support from them but the company I was working with have been wonderful!!
Drink and pills are not great dude please just chill out first you sound like your taking steps in the right direct if youre seeing the cpn! Make sure you let them know all the areas your struggling with so they can help you appropriately :)
 
Toasted Crumpet

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hello and :welcome:

I am sorry I cannot advise but I have done similar with jobs due to anxiety/panic and depression and poor impulse control :hug:

Hopefully someone will be along soon who can help.
 
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pdrpaul

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thanks I don't seem to have too much a problem with interveiews but crowded areas and new people and work places are too much I want to work, but I am destroying my life right now and really don't know what the hell to do.. if I end up sanctioned by jobcentre im goinna freak out.. I thought getting over the first day in the job and id be fine but seems far from it just wake up with such dread in the morning:(
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Do you not find your propanolol helping? I find it fairly effective
 
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pdrpaul

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hi and thankyou for replys people. I somehow have talked my way out of this today with agency this is second chance they have given me and have been very good to me. although I have not mentioned my anxiety etc or appointment with cpn tomorrow at 2pm (going to be working) so will have to re book it for later in the day I hope.. I really need to see someone I do not know where the anxiety comes from and it only seems to be within workplaces where I feel trapped if that makes any sense and constantly being watched and told what and how. its so hard to explain:( I have no chance with jobcentre anymore as my advisor knows I should been working ages ago as I always come across very polite and have varied experience etc he also wants me in 3 times a week now and was obv getting annoyed at me. so I wont be attending Friday:? and if I cant get this daft head of mine fixed then I am goinna be so in the streets:( can a cpn sign you off on medical conditions. that would be ideal if only it were for three months or less to sort me out whilst they can hopefully help me.. thanks again guys
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Theyre a nurse but could prob get you refered for a psyche assesment? Prob best if meds arent helping?
 
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pdrpaul

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thanks yeah the meds don't seem to be helping at all.. for example yest in canteen everyone is silent and I keep wondering is this normal or is it me etc etc.. seemed to have helped slightly with sweating and physical symptoms but I geuss that's due to propranolaol messing with heart rate and blood pressure. think I have issues much deeper as I used to get bullied pretty bad at school there again that was many years ago but I did read somewhere anxiety / depression problems don't always become that obvious till men are usually in late 20s early thirthys and I am 29.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Im a 28 yo female with terrible self esteemesteem from bullying to so i can sympathetise. I dont help myself having blue/purple hair tho as people really do stare at me I'm not just imagining it but its me, I feel its who I am now, I wouldnt be without my silly hair
 
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pdrpaul

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good for you blue and purple hair is always cool in my opinion I seem to like anyone that's a bit different to the norm lol:) but people do not seem to relise how much bullying as a kid screws with peoples minds in later life.. even few year ago I used to be sitting in house minding my own business then there is like 20 things all at once rattling the windows went on like that for 2whole winters really badly:( now when something like that happens say for example a snowball hitting window I get really racy heartbeats and as they say fight or flight mode. thankfully I usually go in flight mode, did the fight mode once and I don't want those kinda thoughts running through my head again very scary stuff:(
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I very much am the opposite, i have a terrible rageing temper, but the prop takes the edge off, was self medicating diazepam aswell but now drs prescribe it as prn only 2mg
Im sure that if you express youre concerns tomoz they can help you. I'm also waiting for cbt which they could offer you? I'm skeptical I must admit but it can't hurt to try.
 
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pdrpaul

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what is cbt?? I also got prescribed diazepam at 2 mg but doesn't do much I don't think..
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Cognitive behaviour therapy. I believe its to retrain the way your brain thinks?
 
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pdrpaul

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thanks nikita that's really helpful info... I have to go to work tomorrow on the day that my appointment meant to be, but I am done with signing on I cant do that no more, and I cant wait to see IF I qualify for dla, and I also cannot take more time off or I loose the job. so I called and asked if my appointment could be put to another time and they said I cant pick and choose my times which is unbelievable really I really need to see this person quickly... I am screaming out for help and it seems if I cant make it during office hours it aint happening:( I am going to end up doing something stupid if this carrys on feel like its impossible to get help if it aint between 9 and 5 Monday to fri... what the hell do they think mental health is a condition that's only valid during office hours.. on a good note im glad to find this forum some really nice people here thanks.
 
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pdrpaul

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thanks nikita well as it stands I am 100% sure im getting sacked if I don't go to work tomorrow then that means no rent to get paid etc and il be even worse off,, I reckon if its possible to get seen at somepoint next week say 3pm onwards I may be able to get out a little earlier even will turn up 2 hours earlier to make up time.. but as you say it can take time to sort benefits etc and that's even if I get it. I will call tomorrow at 12 on my lunch and hope to get appointment for next week:) I have not told my agency I have anxiety problems yet. do you think it would be possible to re arrange appointment I was reffered by GP
 
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