• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Self Confidence issues?

HellRider

HellRider

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Montreal
I feel like I always end up in the same situation in team efforts. When I first meet a given team there's a "honeymoon phase" where I feel confident in myself and in my teammates and I try to give myself to my team 110%. I genuinely care about my teammates and I make an effort to get along with everyone overlooking any disagreements we may have

Then 1 single event occurs where we have to work in teams, I mess up and I don't work well in a given team, and it all just vanishes. All of a sudden I feel like an outsider. Like I never really belonged. I start feeling irrational hatred towards them and isolated because they start talking about subjects that I cannot relate to or particularly care about. I start to feel people doubting my self confidence and they seem to know I'm not as confident as I appear, as if they can see through me. I try to make little of it, trying to keep the connection with my teammates alive but it always seems my teammates lose interest in me and start to think of me as lesser than.

Over time I feel myself growing more and more distant and emotionally disconnected.

But I realize how irrational it is, yet I can't stop thinking these thoughts as soon as something inevitably goes wrong.

I wish I was normal and would just laugh it up, take the often temporary L (or Ls), and refocus until I succeed with my teammates instead of psyching myself out for no good reason.
 
HellRider

HellRider

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Montreal
EDIT:
I feel like I always end up in the same situation in team efforts. When I first meet a given team there's a "honeymoon phase" where I feel confident in myself, in my abilities and in my teammates and I try to give myself to my team 110%. I genuinely care about my teammates and I make an effort to get along with everyone overlooking any disagreements we may have

Then 1 single event occurs where we have to work in teams, where we actually start doing the work we've been training to do all this time. I mess up (as any human would) and I don't work well in a given team, and it all just vanishes. All of a sudden I feel like an outsider. Like I never really belonged. I start feeling irrational hatred towards them and isolated because they start talking about subjects that I cannot relate to or particularly care about. I start to feel people doubting my self confidence and they seem to know I'm not as confident as I appear, as if they can see through me. I try to make little of it, trying to keep the connection with my teammates alive but it always seems my teammates lose interest in me and start to think of me as lesser than.

I start to avoid them and over time I feel myself growing more and more distant and emotionally disconnected. Worst of all I start to feel like a weak man or a kid.

But I realize how irrational it is, yet I can't stop thinking these thoughts as soon as something inevitably goes wrong. It's one of those thought patterns that rears its ugly head and persists.

And I realize it has to do with still living with my mother despite being an adult. Having been so cared for and still being mothered I've never been given a chance to fail on my own. Everything's been too safe, I've always relied on others and never myself

Still, I wish I was normal and would just laugh it up, take the often temporary L (or Ls), and refocus until I succeed with my teammates instead of psyching myself out for no good reason.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
16,080
Location
Nowhere
I think actually everyone feels like that

the difference is you've admitted it !


:hug5:
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
3,681
Location
Canada
Your thoughts tell you it is irrational but your emotions are stronger than your ability to use reason to defeat them. I guess it goes back to emotion being in the most basic or primitive parts of our brains, and thought is a .. what? .. more recently developed thing? Of course they are intertwined.

I'm thinking that social anxiety is mostly an emotional problem, and that thought about it being irrational does not change that emotion. The emotion is fear, the perception of some threat, the feeling of being unsafe, and the anxiety is warning you of this threat and trying to protect you. But that anxiety has become a problem.

We have to try to reassure ourselves we're really in no danger. We're safe, there's no threat. But the fight/flight/freeze reaction is an old habit built into us long ago. It's overactive in social anxiety sufferers. It keeps us from feeling OK to just be ourselves. To accept ourselves as we are, human, prone to mistakes.

What does the L mean where you said temporary L or Ls? Loss?
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,957
Could it be you feel excited about the prospect of new surroundings, new connections etc. and new expectations of how you feel about yourself and how others see you. Your enthusiasm coupled with this excitement of possible change (a break from old experiences) might be giving a "looking through rose tinted glasses" effect on your perception. Then when the unexpected happens and the "rose tinted glasses" vision alters, the perception of yourself and this new perception of how you think others' see you changes. The issue if this is the case is not your enthusiasm for your team mates and potential change (your enthusiasm, passion and love for your fellow man/woman will have a huge positive impact in the way you communicate and will bring about positive connections-loyalty is worth its weight in Gold). No in my opinion the issue is a expectation for fast results and possibly not being equipped with the skills necessary in dealing with the unexpected... Don't be so hard on yourself, lower your expectations, don't be so disheartened when things don't turn out as you would hope, Rome wasn't built in a day... Your enthusiasm, commitment and loyalty will pay dividends in the end, sometimes we need to be patient. Also stay true to your values and yourself, trying too hard can be exhausting and it can sometimes distort our perception of reality... In short keep going, don't give up at the first hurdle. Hope this helps :)
 
HellRider

HellRider

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2021
Messages
14
Location
Montreal
Your thoughts tell you it is irrational but your emotions are stronger than your ability to use reason to defeat them. I guess it goes back to emotion being in the most basic or primitive parts of our brains, and thought is a .. what? .. more recently developed thing? Of course they are intertwined.

I'm thinking that social anxiety is mostly an emotional problem, and that thought about it being irrational does not change that emotion. The emotion is fear, the perception of some threat, the feeling of being unsafe, and the anxiety is warning you of this threat and trying to protect you. But that anxiety has become a problem.

We have to try to reassure ourselves we're really in no danger. We're safe, there's no threat. But the fight/flight/freeze reaction is an old habit built into us long ago. It's overactive in social anxiety sufferers. It keeps us from feeling OK to just be ourselves. To accept ourselves as we are, human, prone to mistakes.

What does the L mean where you said temporary L or Ls? Loss?
It's impressive how powerful and overwhelming that feeling of fear is. And yeah that anxiety instinct definitely helped primitive man avoid danger but in the office space it no longer has its place.

You are correct L = Loss


Could it be you feel excited about the prospect of new surroundings, new connections etc. and new expectations of how you feel about yourself and how others see you. Your enthusiasm coupled with this excitement of possible change (a break from old experiences) might be giving a "looking through rose tinted glasses" effect on your perception. Then when the unexpected happens and the "rose tinted glasses" vision alters, the perception of yourself and this new perception of how you think others' see you changes. The issue if this is the case is not your enthusiasm for your team mates and potential change (your enthusiasm, passion and love for your fellow man/woman will have a huge positive impact in the way you communicate and will bring about positive connections-loyalty is worth its weight in Gold). No in my opinion the issue is a expectation for fast results and possibly not being equipped with the skills necessary in dealing with the unexpected... Don't be so hard on yourself, lower your expectations, don't be so disheartened when things don't turn out as you would hope, Rome wasn't built in a day... Your enthusiasm, commitment and loyalty will pay dividends in the end, sometimes we need to be patient. Also stay true to your values and yourself, trying too hard can be exhausting and it can sometimes distort our perception of reality... In short keep going, don't give up at the first hurdle. Hope this helps :)

Very Helpful and Calming, Thank you!
 

Similar threads

Top