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Seeking help with a crazy ex I like with

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cabbageman123

New member
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Canada
Hi everybody,

I need some advice on dealing with my current situation. I don't really know where to start so I'll dive right in.

My ex and I live together in my house and co-parent our beautiful 2 year old girl. I work full time and she is a stay home mom. We dated for 1 year prior to her getting pregnant and moving in (unplanned). Things were peaceful between us up until her mother died, which combined with postpartum threw her into a massive depression. I've done my best to be compassionate and support her as much as I can (including paying for therapy) but after being verbally and physically abused on several occasions (including some occasions where I had to call the cops) I decided I'm done with her. It's my house and I don't want to sell it nor move out, and she is doing absolutely nothing to move out on her end. I found a real leech.

She is an excellent mother, but there are a few things that I am really struggling with. Most of this is around communication.

1) Money - She is absolutely terrible with money and any time I say no when she asks for some or try to talk to her about the importance of saving she throws gets a PSTD episode. I've been extremely generous. My benefits cover her bus fairs, dental and vision bills. I don't take her out grocery shopping anymore. I've done everything I can to prevent her from making me broke but it's very difficult. And she spends the $300 from the child benefit in a matter of seconds every month without even the slightest consideration for the fact that I am supporting her and could use some financial help. And then I get scolded for spending money on me.

2) Messiness. Never in my life have I ever met someone so untidy. Everyday I come home to a tornado. Everyday I clean-up after her. I've done my best to tell her the importance of cleaning-up after yourself "as-you-go" but she doesn't get it. She considers it critisism and gets upset, storms off, every time I talk to her about it. I've tried simply not cleaning up after her and it just becomes a nightmare zone. Paying a maid would be nice but I can't afford that. An example would be like let's say she spills popcorn on the floor everywhere and instead of cleaning it right away she will just leave it like that for a few days. Super draining. This alone is the reason I want her to move out.

3) Negativity and rageaholic. I come home she is upset. I go to bed she is upset. I leave in the morning she is upset. Most days I don't even want to come home. I can't believe someone can be like this most of the time - especially when it's a beautiful sunny day out! When she is upset she just remains in that state. In the beginning it would stress me out, now I just can't be bothered to care, especially since I am generally a super optimistic positive guy. And when she gets in a rage she breaks things around the house, bangs her head against the wall and sometimes threatens suicide. When it's 2am and I work the next day I don't want to call the cops although I know that is what I should do, so I keep a log, distance myself and then go to bed. But next it happens I will call the cops and call my lawyer, guaranteed. The worst part is she gets upset over such small things, and don't even bother on politics, she pretty much gets in a rage anytime she talks to a right-wing person. And when she gets upset she plays the blame game, I have learned the hard way that I cannot change her how help her feel better and there is rarely if never a resolve.

I stand pretty tall, never get upset, avoid yelling, I've also leveraged my friends, family and community support. But I am tired of this. I need an action plan. It breaks my heart to not have the privilege of waking up with my child but I need her out of my house and shared custody with arranged visitations IS better then enduring any more of her crap, and for my kids. I've told her countless times no yelling in front of the kid and she just isn't listening. She doesn't get it, because when she was growing up it was normal.

Any ideas are welcomed, thank you for your time.
 
calypso

calypso

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Some of what you describe is depression - the feeling "upset" all the time. If you have never experienced depression then its impossible to get across the whole severity of how you feel.

BUT some of what you describe is not depression but her. Being physically abusive is never OK. I think that she needs to find her own way. I think a plan might be to find a place for her and give her a time limit to be out of the house. But I think you will have to do the leg work to actually organising it all. From what you describe, she won't do it. In Britain there is an organisation called Relate who deal with relationship problems and are very well trained and good. But if you aren't in Britain, then its not clear if there are such places elsewhere. Here they cater for couples and individuals in a bad relationship.

YOu could contact them and ask them if there are overseas places if you are not from Britain. They are at https://www.relate.org.uk
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
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3,205
Location
UK
Hi Cabbageman

I can appreciate how you're feeling and just how difficult all this is for you to live with.

You have every right to want your own four walls and sanity back - however - it worries me that your ex is clearly in the depths of depression. If you were not there to steady her and absorb so much of her emotion, would your two year old bear the brunt of tears and mood swings instead of you?

I know this is not what you want to hear...but I can't see, given how low she is at the moment, that your ex will find the energy or motivation to sort out somewhere to live. This is not likely to be something she can cope with right now.

Although it certainly won't feel like it - you are still her security blanket - her safe place. She bawls and shouts at you purely because it's safe to do so (no, I'm not expecting you to wring comfort out of that!) It's clear from what you've said that she's in mental torment right now.

It might be a starting point to introduce the same boundaries and 'house rules' that you would establish with a lodger/flat share. Lay out some terms and conditions so the current arrangement is less stressful for you. 'House rules' are far more pragmatic and less triggering than listing her flaws to her. Give her a longer moving out timescale to work with, on the condition that she gets appropriate support for her mental health and abides by the cohabiting courtesies set out in your house rules.

She may be flaring up because she feels under intense pressure and is afraid of coping on her own. If you give her an absolute date to leave at the end of three months, it might alleviate her stress.

Your ex is not your responsibility - and she has to manage her finances now, in preparation for living alone. Your child IS your responsibility - so making sure her full time care-giver is mentally stable and equipped for lone parenting would be the greatest gift you could give your little one. For the sake of a few months with ground rules set, I think it would benefit them both far more than having to vacate at short notice.

You've been extremely patient and supportive so far - d'you think you could give her a little more time?

Wishing you all the best xxx
 
C

cabbageman123

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Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Canada
Thanks for the reply guys. I can definitely stick in here a while longer to make a stronger action plan and those are great suggestions.

Our biggest roadblock is communication. We can't seem to talk about anything anymore without her getting upset.

I'm a very laid back musician. I take everything with a grain of salt and often when I am hanging with friends and we talk it's more so about learning and having fun rather then proving a point or being right. I've never had an argument with my friends or family EVER. I am a typical Gemini in the sense that I change my mind a lot, have a very balanced perspective and it's always about context. It's really hard for me to have an absolute yes answer to everything and I know it can drive her nuts, but she seriously thinks that I say things to her or disagree with her just to trigger her emotions. She thinks I get off on her misery. It's really a sad pathology I'm seeing here. It's even harder to communicate with her when we are both sleep deprived and hungry, I'm doing my best to stay level headed but even my boss has noticed how exhausted I am at work, it's affecting my life outside of home.

Whenever I try to have a conversation with her she is clearly more interested in being right.
It always turns into the blame game and she takes every opportunity possible to talk about politics, social justice and soon after how I am a bad uneducated privileged white person, a liar, etc. Total crap. I just don't know what to do. She simply doesn't trust anything I say or do anymore...but my question is, it really my job to rebuild her trust issues?

And because we are broken up I don't see anything wrong with spending time with other women. In fact I feel entitled to a happy sex life and I have much stronger morals and requirements then she believes. It drives her absolutely insane that I am dating again and even more so in the fact that some women and I spend very little time with and still have sex (valuing unattachment), but that is due to our generation differences (i'm 29 and my ex is 43 and does not understand Tinder lol). But because we live together and I am respectful I would never bring women home, and I'd never date on nights with my kid... but her trust for the world, and me and thus herself is so low that I just don't see how she can ever get better without some serious therapy. And I am tired of being the amateur therapist that is constantly dumped on for being honest and upfront. It feels like the less we speak the better things get, but what sort of example is that for my kid?
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Mar 9, 2012
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Your ex is in therapy, am I understanding correctly? Would it be a idea for you to voice your concerns to the therapist, if your ex won't? :hug:

Just that I don't know what help there is for relationships where you are :hug:
 
C

cabbageman123

New member
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Canada
Your ex is in therapy, am I understanding correctly? Would it be a idea for you to voice your concerns to the therapist, if your ex won't? :hug:

Just that I don't know what help there is for relationships where you are :hug:
Yes she is. And yes I've been taking my individual therapy and then in a couple weeks we have couples therapy.

Tough part for me is that she ALWAYS plays the blame game. Zero accountability, everything is someone else's fault, I think I am dealing with a hardcore narcissist. Any other tips or advice is really appreciated, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Location
UK
I would imagine it is excruciatingly painful for her to see you go out on dates and know that you have 'moved on' both emotionally and with your life.

There is a gossamer-thin veil between love and hate behaviour sometimes - much of her 'acting out' could be because she still loves you and she finds it torture.

I can't think of many women who could feel at ease knowing they have been replaced whilst their own lives haven't moved forward.

Please be aware that as the mother of your child, she will never be footloose and fancy free again until your offspring leaves home. She can't make spur of the moment arrangements - pop out when it suits her - entertain male friends when the mood arises - any potential partners now have to be child-friendly, child-safe and accept her as a unit of two. She does not have the freedom you have and her choices are more serious and limited.

Your ex-partner is deeply unhappy, probably afraid, overwhelmed, jealous, confused and feeling as if she is going crazy. Quite simply - a cornered and frightened dog will bite...perhaps be more aware her arguments and accusations are born of hurt rather than hatred.

I hope this will eventually come good for both of you. :hug:
 
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