Seeking Help for A Friend

[ConcernedChris]

I'm not one hundred percent sure this is the right place to post this, and if it isn't, I'd appreciate it if someone would be so kind as to direct me to a better place to go.

So, basically, the story goes, I've had a great relationship with this girl for about four and half months, and when I say great, I mean it. When we were together, we were very happy and couldn't stand being away from each other. So, me having to spend most of those four months at a school 300 miles away was fairly rough, but we dealt with it just fine. The only moments when we weren't happy together was whenever she was expressing her fear that she'd wind up killing the relationship somehow, but I told her I wouldn't let that happen and made it a promise, which is why I'm here.

Two days ago, ten days before I head back home, she contacts me out of the blue, talking about what a horrible person she is to be in a relationship with and how no one could possibly help her deal with her problems. I spent two and half hours trying to convince her that she was fooling herself into thinking she doesn't deserve happiness, but despite all my efforts, she dumped me.

Afterwards, I began talking to our mutual friends about this and have discovered that she does in fact do this to herself. Whenever she gets too close to someone or something, she pushes it away and kills the relationship because she now believes she can't be happy and is virtually incapable of trusting herself.

I'm not here looking for help to save my relationship (though I do hope to do that). I'm here looking for help to save my friend. All of her friends and I are interested in doing whatever we can to help her overcome this, but she has made excuses and paid no heed to us when we've confronted her in the past individually. We're all just trying to figure out what we can or should do to help her out.

I should mention here that she's had a fairly rough upbringing, has a year old son, and actually refuses to seek professional help. Her apathy and delusion that she's worthless repeatedly drive her into depression and self-loathing, and all of us who love her would like to put a stop to it, for her sake.

 

[Dollit]

The best thing you can do for your friend is be there. Don't pressure her into treatment or getting help. Just assure her that you care for her and that you will be there for her. Just small things like - "I like the way you do your hair" may seem like nothing but they can build confidence in tiny steps. If she wants to talk then let her and if she doesn't then don't try and make her.

Until she recognizes that she has a problem nothing will persuade her otherwise. Just keep being there.

 

[Fedup]

Well said there Dollit , i totally agree

 

[ConcernedChris]

I understand what you're saying, but she knows she has problems. She just refuses to do anything about it. Like I said, my friends and I are just eager to try and find a way to help her through this, cause we've been there for here and doing pretty much what you said for years now, but she's just as bad, if not worse, than she always was. We just want to see her finally get past all this, for her sake, and her child's. I appreciate your help though. I just feel like more needs to be done if any progress is going to be made, you know?

 

[Dollit]

Until she's willing to do more nothing can be done. You cannot force your friend to take help that she's not willing to have. Acceptance is the key in mental health and you and your friends need to accept that you've done as much as you can. It's hard doing nothing but it's harder when people are trying to help and perhaps you just need to be left alone to find your own way.

 

[ConcernedChris]

Well, I may not like it, but it makes sense and you're probably right. I wish there was a more satisfying answer, but I suppose not. Appreciate all your help!

 

[Dollit]

Keep popping in here and you will get the support that you need and when your friend feels that the time is right we'll be able to be a bit more proactive. Be proud of yourself that you want to help her, that's no mean feat.

 

[blackdog]

Hi Chris, some of us feel that we don't deserve to be happy and our lack of confidence makes us feel worthless. Everyone who has already posted is right you just need to be there, my wife does it really well, sometimes she knows what I need before I do. If you find it helpful talking to us then you are in the right place. Don't forget to take care of yourself as well as your friend.