Seeking diagnosis advice

[Ppsh]

Hi. I'm not sure if this is in the right section but given that I'm technically diagnosed with depression I figure here is better then anywhere else. I'm seeking advice on... my diagnosis, I suppose. I've been thinking a lot lately about depression, my past social phobias and researching other illnesses etc.

So to start with, a little history.
I'm 18, male and currently on anti-depressants (lexapro). I have been heavily depressed for so long it's hard to remember myself as anything else. I managed to get through primary school pretty easily, but when I entered high school I had serious difficulties adjusting to the different social situations... I turned from shy to plain antisocial and eventually to the point where I would want to kill someone just for looking at me.

I quit highschool when I was 15 as I was to the point where just the idea of going to school would send me into a panic attack and I was very suicidal. I'm still convinced that if I had stayed, I wouldn't be here now.

Anyway, I was depressed from about... I estimate the start of puberty, maybe a year or two before that even. I've done fairly badly in school, although I never really understood why... I always thought In the past it was because I was sad and not interested in learning... but I really feel like I was wrong when I look back at my actions. I've always been deeply fascinated by science and always wanted to learn a lot more about it... but whenever I try to read books or w/e I either get bored or distracted or frustrated (generally a combo of the three) and give up. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to finish anything.

To cut a long boring story short, I have recently started to feel better from the AD's i'm on, but it's still... well, I still get heavily depressed sometimes. More importantly though I still have a lot of difficulty doing work, whether it is school work, reading a book or anything in general that I don't feel interested in. I know that's fairly natural... most people don't like doing things they don't want to do.

But I find it almost impossible to focus on things unless I'm deeply interested in them. I've been reading up on ADHD lately and it feels like a lot of the symptoms are things I have. Mainly the focus and attention span...

Basically, I think perhaps I'm depressed because I've always felt bad at doing things other people are good at, schoolwork, etc. and that I have a different problem that is causing that. It's worth noting too that I have several cousins with ADHD and from what I know it's commonly hereditary.

I would talk to my doctor about this but... it feels embarrassing coming up with my own diagnosis for some reason, so I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts? Am I just being delusional or what?

I'm also curious more about medication for ADHD and the difference between it & AD's. I've read about certain similarities it just sounds to me like amphetamines could be more helpful to me. I'm aware people abuse that drug too which is another reason I feel hesitant to bring it up with my doctor.

 

[ms_P]

Hi Ppsh and welcome to the forum

The lack of ability to focus and concentrate is in itself a symptom of depression.
No one here can help you with a diagnosis.

I was once diagnosed as having ADHD, and was given 50mg daily of methylphenidate for almost a year, until I had a total psychotic breakdown due to the amphetamine actions of the med. It turned out I had ADD (no hyperactivity).
As far as I know, there is no med to take it away. Being extra aware of our problems and finding ways to cope is the best bet, in my opinion.

I think all good things start with talking to the right people about our problems.

How we do academically doesn't necessarily reflect on our intelligence. The pressures socially in school can be so overwhelming. I had my share of failures there. So many of us have.
I hope you get in contact soon with your GP or maybe a social worker (mine is a life-saver). Meds don't cure all!
Good luck.