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Dreamer35

Dreamer35

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Joined
Feb 5, 2020
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7
Location
Ireland
Can anyone suggest a good way to help my family understand bpd. I have tried to be open and honest about this condition and try and explain how my perceptions or reactions to things may be off sometimes ( Something they have known since I was 14).... I have told them i am seeing a psychologist and commencing treatment but they still dont seem to understand.

For example my mum said "I don't think any less of you and no one needs to know about this". "I love you anyways". This angered me so much as my mum is massively the culprit (I believe) for me having such a diagnosis and it makes me resent her for putting this "Problem" on me and hiding it like a dirty secret.!

2nd I have tried to be honest with family about my diagnosis and explain what is going on for me and how I got here.... They make the right noises..then when I annoy them, upset them, challenge them or put a point across they dont like they tell me to get back to my "Head doctor" or speak to me as if my mental health is the problem. They later apologise but the truth is always said in anger.

I feel resentment towards my family now as their attitude to mental health is so wrong. They tell me everyone walks on eggshells around me, yet I genuinely do everything I can in my family to be liked i barely say no and I spend alot of time and money trying to please them!. I feel so hurt when they say things like "Tell me how to help you" as if i am "crazy" or worse.... "That is your mental health talking". I feel everything I think, say or Express is invalidated and overshadowed by my mental health.

I fully understand I must be hard work, but my childhood and early adult hood was absolutely destroyed by emotional abuse, neglect, alcohol abuse, substance abuse, bullying, lies and deceit. Yet here I am trying to find ways to help my family understand "What is wrong with me".

I could go on.... I wont. Any informative and easy to understand videos on bpd would be welcomed.

I need them to understand

thank you xxx❤❤❤❤💯👌
 
Z

Zoe1

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Jul 8, 2019
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Nowhere
hi Dreamer :welcome: !

im so sorry

I relate to all you have said there about family
it does sound like they have guilt which they are in denial about
it also sounds like they do actually love you

I get the patronising thing
I try to put up with that bit sometimes
because its better than something harsh or aggressive

because some of this is alcohol related
you might benefit from contacting Al-Anon
which is a branch of AA for the relatives

and posting here as well of course

:grouphug:🕯🍀
 
Dreamer35

Dreamer35

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Ireland
hi Dreamer :welcome: !

im so sorry

I relate to all you have said there about family
it does sound like they have guilt which they are in denial about
it also sounds like they do actually love you

I get the patronising thing
I try to put up with that bit sometimes
because its better than something harsh or aggressive

because some of this is alcohol related
you might benefit from contacting Al-Anon
which is a branch of AA for the relatives

and posting here as well of course

:grouphug:🕯🍀
 
Dreamer35

Dreamer35

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Ireland
Sorry! new to this and I think I sent an empty post. Thank you for the kind words. It really is frustrating isnt it....and hurtful.

Thank you again and big hugs too xxx 💚🍀
 
G

Girl interupted

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Messages
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What gave me freedom and a sense of peace was realizing that my mom (my abuser) was mentally ill herself. That no number of conversations could get her to own up to the damage she had done because in her mind she did nothing wrong, that it was part of her illness.

Likewise, it (finally) taught me that I was not going to get some magical lightbulb moment with her where she suddenly showed me all the compassion she didn’t my whole life.

Reality sucks that way, but you can then start to develop supports outside of your family to get what you need.
 
Dreamer35

Dreamer35

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Ireland
What gave me freedom and a sense of peace was realizing that my mom (my abuser) was mentally ill herself. That no number of conversations could get her to own up to the damage she had done because in her mind she did nothing wrong, that it was part of her illness.

Likewise, it (finally) taught me that I was not going to get some magical lightbulb moment with her where she suddenly showed me all the compassion she didn’t my whole life.

Reality sucks that way, but you can then start to develop supports outside of your family to get what you need.

Thanks so much for this. I guess it's now trying to figure out how I make those other connections. The loneliness is killing me.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
Messages
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Location
London, ON

Get them to read that - it's NOT from a health site, but it does go over BPD in a way that also shows how people percieve it, rather than what it is.

Or maybe just read it yourself, and use it to help you explain things.

You need to gain a good understanding of what BPD means, and then get through to them that it can be deadly serious.

M internet is being stupid, today, so I'm trying to get stuff across fast - sorry bout that.

It took a few years to get my parents to understand things, but it took me a few years to really figure out what BPD means in relation to me. So, it's doable.

"It's just in your head/that's just your illness" - point out everybody is just something in their head, our disorder colours how we see and react to anything. Self control is one of our biggest issue, because every event seems as significant as any other, emotionally.
 
Dreamer35

Dreamer35

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Ireland
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have used the link and it's very informative. The strangest thing is everytime I try and research this illness I fall asleep. it's almost like the distress of it exhausts me and I literally fall asleep.... Or is it avoidance. I cant decide.

I did go back to finish it though. Many thanks again
 
N

Nukelavee

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London, ON
You're welcome.

There are more detailed, and more "medical" explanations out there, that it would help to see, as well. That one, though - that one helped me explain it to my family.

Also - depression and anxiety, stress - they all burn a ton of energy, and leave you feeling so low. And avoidance can be part of BPD, too. It's a lot to take in, and process - take it easy so it doesn't overwhelm you. Actually, in a down state, make certain you eat and get sleep, being tired and hungry just makes it worse.

I've been dealing with, and learning to cope with BPD for, ugh, decades. You CAN manage this.

And, not everything listed there will apply to you. Think of it as a guide, get a feel for which aspects you think you have strongest.

Also - tell your family the other term for it is "emotional disregulation". Make them understand, "Borderline" doesn't mean minor, it means it sits on teh border of neurosis and psychosis.

Take care!
 
Schitzoaffective007

Schitzoaffective007

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Jan 17, 2020
Messages
172
Location
Florida USA
What gave me freedom and a sense of peace was realizing that my mom (my abuser) was mentally ill herself. That no number of conversations could get her to own up to the damage she had done because in her mind she did nothing wrong, that it was part of her illness.

Likewise, it (finally) taught me that I was not going to get some magical lightbulb moment with her where she suddenly showed me all the compassion she didn’t my whole life.

Reality sucks that way, but you can then start to develop supports outside of your family to get what you need.
That didn't give me a sense of peace but a sense of despare. That was one less support system I had.

My mother did "nothing wrong" as well... according to her I had a good childhood. This is how she defends herself. Kind of delusional really, but perhaps reflects a shame based disorder. Perhaps lack of conscience or lack of guilt points to something more sinister.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Messages
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That didn't give me a sense of peace but a sense of despare. That was one less support system I had.

My mother did "nothing wrong" as well... according to her I had a good childhood. This is how she defends herself. Kind of delusional really, but perhaps reflects a shame based disorder. Perhaps lack of conscience or lack of guilt points to something more sinister.
Well the way I looked it it, is that it gave me armour, so she could no longer push my buttons. Instead I saw her through a mental illness lens, that she didn’t know what she was doing was hurting me and that it was beyond her capacity to understand. Instead of being the child, I became the adult.

And letting go of all that anger helped me because the rage makes you physically ill and only hurts you, not them.
 
Schitzoaffective007

Schitzoaffective007

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Well the way I looked it it, is that it gave me armour, so she could no longer push my buttons. Instead I saw her through a mental illness lens, that she didn’t know what she was doing was hurting me and that it was beyond her capacity to understand. Instead of being the child, I became the adult.

And letting go of all that anger helped me because the rage makes you physically ill and only hurts you, not them.
Yes all that...and I guess I have to realize I can expect her not to change and always be hurtful. Maybe I'll keep my distance. My mom has OCD and PTSD and God knows what else... splitting defenses. Not good.
 
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