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Second Class Citizen Desperate for Family Approval; the Panic of Not Being Loved

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Haley

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Mar 28, 2015
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Second Class Citizen Desperate for Family Approval; the Panic of Not Being Loved

On line I read someone's blog, I think her name was Theresa. She called it the Panic of Not Being Loved. That really describes it well, this regression that occurs when our family or others insist on being cruel. The pattern in my family is for the mother and sister to be condescending and arrogant to the 12 year old idiot; me. The pattern calls for them to DISMISS my feelings and thoughts. No Empathy. No Understanding. And I'm not even manic anymore. I'm totally stable and they do this. So I'm finding that to speak to them at all is inviting the pattern, which they are not invested in countering. I have long periods of time not thinking of them nor pining to be accepted by them. Then my mind conjures them up as if they were in the room. It takes time and stages and phases to cycle one's family out of the picture. But I've set a boundary now. I don't talk to them at all because it is a waste of time. They are going to shriek at me that my analysis of something is the Evil Tongue. They are going to say things like my interest in World Religions is the Bi Polar. And basically it is unhealthy for me to keep forgiving and loving two women who think nothing of hurting me repeatedly. One never apologizes either. And I'm the sick one?? But it is very interesting how the mind does not let go of the family all at once. I am not tricked into writing THEM letters anymore since they dismiss my letters. I had five months FREE of them; free of thinking of them. Suddenly my mind is creating them, reproducing them in my head. This is all part of having Compassion for Oneself and not reproducing unkind people in my head. I am not the second class citizen my family thinks of me as. It is just the Panic of Not Being Loved.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Hi Haley,
I'm sorry to hear that your mother and sister are so unsupportive towards you.
It sounds like you have a lot of wisdom, self-compassion and insight which is absolutely to your credit and will take you a long way.

I think family dynamics are incredibly complex and there are so many layers to them that I think it's a lifetime's work trying to process them.

And isn't it odd how, even when you've changed and grown, some family members still hold you in a place that you were in years ago?
It feels odd to be your own person with your own life only to be cast in a completely different role when you are around family members.

It sounds as though having those boundaries in place has been good for you.
Do you have other support in your life? Good friends?
I hope you aren't lonely though. :hug1:
 
blueflames

blueflames

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Apr 1, 2014
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Anywhere but reality
Hi Haley

I understand what you are going through, as I too stopped having anything to do with my Mum (many years ago now) we didn't talk for a good few years - my sis didn't talk to her for nearly ten!! We were lucky tho because my Mum accepted responsibility for our up-bringing, made changes and is now a great Mum, against all odds of that ever being likely. So given time, your Mum too could be the parent you need her to?
We grow as people as we get older and being a parent isn't easy, even if you are psychologically well balanced, it's still hard. I don't think it's that your not loved, I just think it is maybe dysfunctional? but that is still love!

I was about 21/22 Yrs old when I broke contact with my parents, is that a similar age to you?? Also, what is the age gap with you and your sis?? Don't forget, if you didn't have the ideal up-bringing, then she probably didn't either. If she also seeks approval from your Mum to feel secure, then she may well do that at your expense, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you either. Is it possible to build a relationship with your sis, outside of the family environment? Siblings are important imo, but it will take work to learn how to treat one another properly if you come from a family where boundaries and respect are not taught. Worth working at tho imo because a close sibling can be the best of friends.

It takes a lot to walk away from relationships that are emotionally damaging, and then to not reproduce or allow that dysfunction to replay with new relationships. It takes real strength to brake those chains and, especially in the first place, to get yourself emotionally stable and not feeling insecure about being unloved or alone. I would advise you to get yourself a counsellor and try and work through your childhood issues?? Ultimately the best thing you can do for your sake, is to deal with it and then let go of all that shit and move forward.

Make your emotional well being your priority. Your family will probably always be there, and even if you don't have the relationship you want, by sorting yourself out, you will make that easier to deal with.

xxx
 
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