Seclusion

V

Viktoria

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#1
All week I said I was feeling good and not suicidal etc. so that my bathroom door would be unlocked again. I feel I need to commit suicide (hope I'm not breaking the forum rules by saying that, sorry if so). On Tuesday afternoon they have a staffmeeting discussing all patients and what you're allowed. So they decided that my bathroom door should remain locked because the staff convinced the psychiatrist and the team manager that I am still suicidal even though I deny it.
So Becky was lashing out saying I hadn't convinced them enough and that I'm a failure and the guys started shouting too. So I threw with furniture and glasses and screamed that they should shut up. So the psychiatrist wanted to speak to me, even though I think his shift had ended long before (it was past 7pm). He said I couldn't promise that I wouldn't carry on being agressive and I was refusing benzo's to calm me down because I know they don't work anyway. After that chat I threw with more glasses.
So LOADS of staff and security came and dragged me into the back of a van, holding me really tight and telling me to stop trying to get away and being agressive. I was taken to another hospital on the same grounds and dumped into seclusion.
Luckily this morning I was allowed back on the ward and can continue the therapy programme. Some of the patients have been in seclusion for nearly a month for doing similar things. So I should praise myself lucky.
It was a luxurious seclusion with a touchscreen thing with music and games etc.
I feel a little bit better today but Becky and the guys are still angry...
 
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Kerome

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#2
It seems that the staff have a pretty good handle on things. At least the seclusion had some stuff to distract you...
 
V

Viktoria

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#3
It seems that the staff have a pretty good handle on things. At least the seclusion had some stuff to distract you...
What do you mean with that they have a good handle on things?

I got quite a lot of meds (100mg prometacine and 25mg nozinan) so I slept through the night.
 
Kerome

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#4
What do you mean with that they have a good handle on things?
They seem to understand that you are still intending to try suicide, despite you doing everything in your power to deceive them. Which means they understand at least a little about what is going on inside you.
 
M

MarlieeB

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#5
I know you don't like it but I am happy that the staff know that having that door open is not the best thing for you and they have have your feelings worked out. I just hope you can pull yourself out of this.

The longer you aren't being truthful to them about what Becky and the others are telling you the more they aren't going to trust you.

xxx
 
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Viktoria

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#6
I guess you're both right, Kerome and Marliee... Some of the staff are easily convinced but others see straight through me.

Today I have an important meeting. Once every six weeks there's an evaluation with all the doctors etc.
I had to write a bit about the past six weeks and the next six weeks and I've been very honest. I'm really scared and thinking about writing a new piece. It's scary to have a meeting all about me and hearing how they all think I'm doing.

Also I've been refusing my blood being taken to determine if the Clozapine and Venlafaxine are at the right level. Because the Clozapine is forced (if I don't take it they'll inject it) and I know the doctor will put it up to 800mg. So now the psychiatrist thinks I won't have my blood taken because I'm secretly not taken them - which is not true, I do take them. He said if I keep refusing they'll take blood against my will.
 
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V

Viktoria

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#7
I re-wrote it and just put a load of nonsense in there. I can't be honest. Becky doesn't want me to be honest. I just can't do it. This feels a lot better.
 
V

Viktoria

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#8
So they were really positive about my attitude and my attendance to therapies and how committed I am. But I have to work on being honest before they can give me more freedom (going outside by myself for example).
I'm allowed to go away with my dad once given that he agrees when my psychologist calls him tomorrow.

I apparently have no insight into my illness and do suicide attempts that could lead to death.

I said either I'm honest and you guys are happy but Becky is not, or I am not honest which makes Becky happy but not you guys. So I'm always upsetting someone.
 
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Viktoria

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#9
Saturday night I was laying on the grass in the garden and they dumped me in seclusion until this morning. Because I'm not allowed in the garden. Which is stupid. I've been angry and agitated all weekend and still am.
 
Kerome

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#10
Surely what Becky thinks matters less than what your therapists think? In the end Becky is just a voice, not a person or even a friend. I think they are right, you do have to work on your honesty, not only towards the, but also towards yourself.
 
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Viktoria

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#11
Surely what Becky thinks matters less than what your therapists think? In the end Becky is just a voice, not a person or even a friend. I think they are right, you do have to work on your honesty, not only towards the, but also towards yourself.
How do you know that Becky isn't a person or a friend?
 
Kerome

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#13
I once had a long "discussion" with my voices about whether they were people, or equal to a human. I held to the view that they were not equal, and that it was debatable whether they were people. They don't seem to exhibit the same characteristics as a thinking human being - their conversational topics are very limited and they don't seem to have cognition in the same way, sight smell and so on are things they just don't respond to. I believe it is even questionable whether they think at all.

It makes little sense to make friends with something that can't think... At most perhaps you can have a relationship with them that's on the level of having pets. Although it's definitely true that some voices can have an effect in terms of impacting you emotionally beyond what a normal voice might do.

I've asked my voices to do simple maths problems as a proof of whether they can think, things like what is 5 times 11? Sometimes they just come up with a number, like 3 or 7. Often they just talk about something else. I've never yet had one actually give a right answer.
 
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Viktoria

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#14
That's the difference between spiritual or psychotic experiences.

Anyway yesterday I did a serious attempt, taken to seclusion for the night.
Tonight I'm gonna try again.
 
pepecat

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#15
Even if we agree that Becky is spiritual, and you're not having a psychotic experience, it's not a positive spiritual experience you're having. You're in hosptial and have been for months, and she keeps getting you to hurt yourself. How is that a good thing?
Ok, she's saying you'll be better off with her if you kill yourself, but she might be wrong. She might be mean and want to take you away from good things to a horrible place where she is.
 
Kerome

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#16
That's the difference between spiritual or psychotic experiences.

Anyway yesterday I did a serious attempt, taken to seclusion for the night.
Tonight I'm gonna try again.
I don't think it's a valid spiritual experience if you're not talking to something that can think and answer questions in a reasonable way. If it can't even do simple maths, you're talking to an illusion, a mirage, a brain fart... Certainly not something to be believed.

Or maybe a negative spiritual experience. Perhaps Becky was sent to you as a test, and you're supposed to resist all her attempts to try and get you to come with her. It certainly doesn't sound like a positive one.

Let's hope you don't succeed in your attempt and live to fight another day.