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Searching for some advice about a friend

M

mistermister2

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2009
Messages
1
Hello,
I'd really appreciate some advice here and I would so grateful if someone could put my mind to rest with this. This will likely have a long story to it but I need some help.

Ok, so I had a female friend who I'll call "M", I had known her for a few months and she had a boyfriend. We became close and when she decided to break up with her boyfriend we slowly started hanging out more, things were great and we went on a date. At this point it was maybe a few months after she ended her previous relationship, probably to soon for her to start dating and that was probably my fault.

Some time after our date she tells me she wants to see other people and not start dating yet. This was understandable because it had come to my attention that her previous relationship was mentally abusive and left her a bit shaken, she and she had intimacy issues (I only found this out after the date and maybe its an important point)

Anyway, fast forward a few months and I try and see if she's ready for something more stable, she eventually decides that she is ready for something a bit more serious. She just had some incredibly important exams and seemed open to something after them. I was delighted.

Then.....and oh then.... Things quickly got weird. Anytime things got serious she would push me away, then when I backed off she would change her mind. Kind of not being decisive about what she wanted. Then she started telling me about her many, many issues such as inferiority issues, body image, recurrent eating disorder problems, ridiculously stressed out over exams, calling herself crazy, being very neurotic, pushing away her closest friends and even admitting to me that once things get serious she always loses interest in a guy and knew it was messed up. Generally, her behavior became a bit erratic and she wasn't acting like herself.

This meant we were just friends again and we put some distance between us. It seemed right and quite frankly I was acting like an idiot trying to hold onto it.

Perhaps that is where it should end but the problems begin here:
I tried to confront her about all the issues and tried to nicely suggest she see someone to talk about it. I mean, am I right in saying she was acting way-way out of whack?

Anyway, she responded by claiming that its just an issue with her love life and she tries to act crazy in front of guys she doesn't like to make them scared and run off. I thought this was a blatant cop-out and but I believe she is still seeing other guys now. However, she hasn't told some her very best friends about some of these problems and even said that she never told anyone about some of them. This partially made sense with the whole "acting crazy" thing, I began to doubt myself. We became oddly close previously and made a habit of talking about things and she often divulged problems to me. I honestly can't tell if she's being honest, lying, crying out for help or just dealing with things in her own way.

So it comes down to this question, am I just not letting go of her and trying to convince myself of something? Or, is she just set on pushing away people who want to make her get some help with her problems?

I have issues myself I need to deal with and I realize that. Its painful to get over her but I can't help but feel like maybe some of it was a cry for help and even with the distance between us, I'm worried about her.

If you feel there is something wrong with her and she needs help, how should I go about this? And do you have any idea what her problem is? Personality disorder?
 
unlucky

unlucky

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
2,858
Location
Glasgow
I might be being a bit brutal but if I were you I'd give up!! I used to do a lot of what your friend is doing by getting really close to people quickly then getting fed up and pushing them away, some of them are still my friends. The thing is that if she wanted your help she would either ask for it or want to be around you more.
When I eventually found someone I wanted to be with the intimacy issues went away really quickly, but the point was I'd met the person I really wanted to be with.
You can't help someone who isn't looking for help!! Others may think differently to me but thats my take on the matter. Hope things work out for you.
 
M

maudikie

Guest
Mister mister 2

If you have problems yourself, I think that is a priority. I think you need to find someone more stable. We all need suppor at some time in our lives, and the gf appears to have other friends she can talk to about her problems. If it were me I should take the courage to back off, perhaps gradually. Look around for other friends, and don't make yourself too available. Take life slowly.:)
 
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P

Prasada

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
119
Location
London, south Wales, Bristol, Oxford, East Anglia
I totally understand and respect what Unlucky and Maudikie say, and sometimes you do, indeed, have to run a mile in tight shoes to avoid the situation. However, sometimes you encounter someone who is utterly lost and you have to help them. It’s as simple as that.

..and now, to emphasise my point:

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