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Screwed Up Again!

Killjoy710

Killjoy710

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2017
Messages
46
I'm an avid SI'er and had been clean for 7 months, until something triggered me bad today. I self harmed and now I want to do it more, or worse, I just see nothing ever ending, sick of living the cycle of depression, urges and triggers. I hate that people tiptoe around me so not to "trigger" me. :( I hate having to "act normal and happy" when I'm miserable inside. Instead of showing hurt I get angry at everything and everybody around me, I just lash out. Then I isolate and SI again, and it's an never ending cycle, I'm sick of it, I just want it all to END.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,160
hi, don't beat yourself up about it please :hug:

theres something in your brain that compels you to do it under stress, you have done super well not indulging for months, and most quits are a series of failures and restarts.

Give yourself credit for the time you HAVENT SH.

and realise that when you feel better youll be able to look at this particular situation and identify how to avoid a repeat. What triggered, what else you could've done, etc.

please don't beat yourself up. I think SH scars are quite beautiful, they show a sensitive beautiful soul with a strong Survival spirit.

They show your Humanity.
 
Killjoy710

Killjoy710

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2017
Messages
46
Thanks for the hugs, I appreciate them. The thing is that the thing that triggered me was something my husband did that HE KNEW triggered me. To me it was like ok you know this triggers me yet you still did it so basically it was a big FUCK YOU in my face, at least that's how I felt, sorry for the language. We just into a HUGE fight about this and I'm literally shaking right now from trying to keep from punching him in his face. I'm not usually a violent person but have been a victim of domestic abuse , so I guess that's where it comes from, more often then not instead of hitting the person I tend to hurt myself instead. I get a sick satisfaction from the pain and i guess it's sort of a release. Like I said in my last post I'm just sick of the never ending cycle, I just want it to end!!!!! I want to be done hurting, hurting myself, and hurting others. :low:
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,160
Thanks for the hugs, I appreciate them. The thing is that the thing that triggered me was something my husband did that HE KNEW triggered me. To me it was like ok you know this triggers me yet you still did it so basically it was a big FUCK YOU in my face, at least that's how I felt, sorry for the language. We just into a HUGE fight about this and I'm literally shaking right now from trying to keep from punching him in his face. I'm not usually a violent person but have been a victim of domestic abuse , so I guess that's where it comes from, more often then not instead of hitting the person I tend to hurt myself instead. I get a sick satisfaction from the pain and i guess it's sort of a release. Like I said in my last post I'm just sick of the never ending cycle, I just want it to end!!!!! I want to be done hurting, hurting myself, and hurting others. :low:
even less reason to beat yourself up then, if its also protective of other people. You could maybe learn other ways to deal with the emotion, with practice.

if you started jogging you could probably do a 4 minute mile. :hug:
 
Killjoy710

Killjoy710

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2017
Messages
46
Unfortantly "normal" exercise is out of the question for me, I have two bad knees from a car accident as a kid so running/jogging is out. I do tend to take long walks while plugged into my music, that helps. My husband says that the type of music I listen to dosen't help my depression cause I tend to love bands like My Chemical Romance (hence the username) , Sleeping w Sirens, Pierce The Veil etc, He calls it "emo" music, so what? It DOES help me cause it makes me feel not so alone, that I'm not the only fucked up one, that others have the same thoughts , compulsions, etc. I don't feel like such a "freak" as I have been labeled because I like to color my hair different colors, and I love piercings and tats. I know I'm not a "freak" I'm different and I like being different.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,160
Unfortantly "normal" exercise is out of the question for me, I have two bad knees from a car accident as a kid so running/jogging is out. I do tend to take long walks while plugged into my music, that helps. My husband says that the type of music I listen to dosen't help my depression cause I tend to love bands like My Chemical Romance (hence the username) , Sleeping w Sirens, Pierce The Veil etc, He calls it "emo" music, so what? It DOES help me cause it makes me feel not so alone, that I'm not the only fucked up one, that others have the same thoughts , compulsions, etc. I don't feel like such a "freak" as I have been labeled because I like to color my hair different colors, and I love piercings and tats. I know I'm not a "freak" I'm different and I like being different.


I'm single and although I miss Love and Support terribly, I don't miss the associated price tag.

There always seems to be a Price To Pay and the older you get the less you want to pay it.

If you know what I mean.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Killjoy710

Killjoy710

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2017
Messages
46
Yea I do know exactly what you mean. For 8 years I was a single mom of 4 kids all under 15 and I was happy, had no desire to date at all. When I lost custody of my kids, it was my current husband that held me together, I know without his love and support I definitely would have killed myself. I still sometimes think I would be happier alone with my kids, my youngest will be 18 in a year and half and already told me she wanted to live with me. Im wondering now if I am only in this marriage cause I feel I owe him something. What doesn't help is the age difference between us, he is younger than me. I don't doubt that he loves me he just tends to do stuff without thinking. Idk I have a lot to sort out.
 
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