Schizophrenia Has Ruined My Life

[LockedUp86]

Hello,

I'm here because I desperately need some help from someone who has been where I am. I really don't want to keep living like this, so I beg you to offer me some real advice. Something that will work, and change my life for the better. I need this, and I hope I'm not asking for too much.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia 2 years ago. The diagnosis alone has ruined my life. I feel stigmatized, and I can't help it. I'll never feel normal again. My life (or the life I once had) is over. The old me has died. I don't even remember the old me. I wish I did.

I have no friends. Communication (of any kind) has become difficult. Mostly, I just spend my days at home watching TV. I try to read (or start studying) sometimes (I was once a good reader), but for some reason it has also become difficult to read. I think the problem is with my ability to concentrate. I can't seem to concentrate on anything anymore. I am constantly restless and in panic mode. The same thoughts go through my mind in cycles. I feel trapped and unable to enjoy life. This is hell, and it never seems to go away.

I pray that I'm experiencing the side-effects of the medication that I'm on.

Hope is all I have left. I hope for better days. I spend part of my day thinking about an alternate self in a alternate world. This brings some happiness.

I started taking medication 4-5 months ago. Right now I am taking 5mgs of Risperidone. This medication really sucks. I can't explain it. My mind on this medication feels like it's locked up in heavy chains. It just makes me feel bad all the time.

Anyways, ...I don't know what to expect from this. This is my last resort. If this doesn't work, then I have no other options available to me. I don't know what to do.

I do see a psychiatrist once a month and I try to explain myself to him, but that doesn't seem to help. I leave his office wondering if I'll ever be free of this.

There doesn't seem to be any help out there. How do I help myself?

Please help.

 

[mxm]

it seems a bit quiet here at the moment so im no expert but until anyone else replies, i thought these were two good threads to read. i hope you are ok.

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=4397

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=3220

i guess i would say hang in there and keep coming back to read stuff, there are lots of things to consider these days about your diagnosis. from my own point of view i would say dont let psychiatrists put you in a box with a label as if thats all you are. there are many more things to consider and many more options to try than just one or two medications

 

[Apotheosis]

I pray that I'm experiencing the side-effects of the medication that I'm on.

Hope is all I have left. I hope for better days. I spend part of my day thinking about an alternate self in a alternate world. This brings some happiness.

I started taking medication 4-5 months ago. Right now I am taking 5mgs of Risperidone. This medication really sucks. I can't explain it. My mind on this medication feels like it's locked up in heavy chains. It just makes me feel bad all the time.

Hello there & welcome to the site.

You are not alone with all this stuff. The meds & the system are just plain crap - everyone knows that; just some people are more honest about it than others I think.

I have lived in alternate worlds, as an alternate self; I can relate to that, it is a way of dealing with things.

Like MXM says - there are lots of things to consider & thing to try.

I have been down this road for around 20 years now. Things have improved in many ways. I would suppose that things are complex, we are all individual & unique. There are many aspects to things. I know it's not nice to be labelled & stuck on meds, given the social implications that it brings. I can get very down & negative about all that stuff too.

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in my mid 20's, & on meds ever since. But had been first hospitalised long before then.

Alcohol & street drug use have been problems for me in the past; I found that stopping them has improved my well being no end. Acceptance of things has been critical, & I suppose that I have adapted to things, in many ways.

I do think that social interaction & support is a very good thing. On-line posting has helped with things, but I have found that building a social support network as best I can to be of great benefit.

Have you tried MIND & Rethink?

http://www.mind.org.uk/Mind+in+your+area/

http://www.rethink.org/how_we_can_help/our_services/search_for_services.html

They both run local groups & services, with opportunities to meet other like minded & supportive people.

I have found alternative healing to be very helpful. Even if it is just from the point of view of relaxation & some human touch & interaction, & often someone to chat with that is caring.

Meditation I find helpful too. As well as developing spiritual ideas to things.

There is a wealth of information on-line, from survivor stories, to peoples Blogs, who are recovering from MH conditions. People can & do recover, it could be considered common. Even Orthodox medicine puts a third of people completely recovering from severe MH conditions. Med free recovery is also a possibility - but it can be a minefield, for many reasons.

There are things to be hopeful for, & about. I know that hope can sometimes wear thin, & some days I feel hopeless. But on the whole I am quite contented. I have found time, & getting older has personally helped. Recovery for me has been a long, slow & ongoing process. But it has been tangible & real.

This site is a good place to start. When I started posting on-line; I didn't think that I would meet anyone, & I have formed some good on-line friendships. I find that it can be theraputic to chat about things.

I found this series of Blog's to be very helpful - they give some alternative viewpoints to this stuff -

http://www.blogger.com/profile/16283478682307609903

[The links to the four Blogs are at the bottom of this profile page]

I wish you well, & look forward to chatting some more.

 

[Apotheosis]

Earlier today I read a newspaper article about a Doctor who suffered a series of mental breakdowns, was sectioned a few times, & has subsequently regained her life; is off all medication; for 6 years, & working as a psychologist. She had been diagnosed as Bi Polar. These people & these recovery stories are out there - there is many of them.

Here is a link to her site -

http://www.drlizmiller.co.uk/

Are you also familiar with Rufus May? - He received a diagnosis of schizophrenia; & went on to recover fully, successfully coming off all meds, & now works as a clinical psychologist for the NHS -

http://www.rufusmay.com/

There is this very uplifting book/true story - about the full med free recovery of a catatonic schizophrenic -

http://www.dantescure.com/

Here is a link to a very good MH recovery Blog -

http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/

& their recovery from psychosis section -

http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/recovery-from-extreme-states-psychosis-etc/

Favourite clinicians who have worked from the perspective of recovery, healing & cure - have been Carl Jung, John Weir Perry, Loren Mosher & Carl Rogers.

The Mind Freedom & Icarus sites are also good for more uplifting info -

http://www.mindfreedom.org/

http://theicarusproject.net/

I won't bombard you with any more sites - just to say that there is a plethora of perspectives, understandings & viewpoints that differ from & often reject the Orthodox (strictly Bio Medical model, paradigm & line) in relation to mental health.

Happy reading.

 

[LockedUp86]

Thank you for the responses, advice, links, etc. I will read through it all.

Today I feel awful. [I should have ended it here, but I went on.................]

I woke up this morning, depressed, and all I wanted to do was to sleep, but for some reason I can't sleep after I wake up in the mornings (I think it's due to the medication). This medication IS screwing me up. I've been getting worse on this medication!!! All I do is drink coffee. Is the coffee screwing me up? Well, I need this coffee because these pills make me feel bad. The coffee helps, it gives me something to do. I should probably stop drinking so much coffee. Maybe I have a caffeine allergy? Everything feels screwed up. I need help. Help me. Tell me what's wrong and what should I do about it. What exactly is the problem and what's the solution for the problem.

I can't think, I can't type, I can't explain what's going on with me. I don't understand. This is the problem. No one will explain it to me - can they? They told me that I've got a brain disorder and they threw me into the deep end without teaching me how to swim. I'm drowning. It's getting worse and worse for me. How do I get out of this? Everything is so screwed up for me. What's wrong? I'm losing the ability to communicate. Is this normal? I don't know what's going on. What's going on?

I thought about going for group therapy, but it seems hopeless. Again, I'm losing the ability to communicate!!! This is probably because I can't think properly. I used to study philosophy on an internet forum 2 years ago and it screwed me up. I feel like philosophy screwed me up. How do I fix it? I feel like I did something wrong and now I have to pay for it. I just want to fix it! How do I fix it?

This illness is making me think that it's my fault. I'm not saying your illness is your fault! I'm saying that MY illness (the schizophrenia diagnosis) might be my fault. I did this to myself. I was once normal. Drugs and alcohol came along. Datura tea landed me in the ER and I haven't been the same since. Dropped out of school. Isolated myself. It just got worse and worse AND to make matters worse, it's getting worse and worse.

I feel so hopeless. I CAN"T SEEM TO GET OUT OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU SEE. I can't explain it. I can't communicate properly. What's wrong, how do I fix it. I need to fix it somehow. I did this. If I never took drugs, etc, THEN this would have never happened.

I've become stupid - there's NO OTHER explanation. NOW, how do I fix this and prevent myself from getting worse? HOW DO I GET BETTER?

LOOK AT MY POST< LOOK AT WHAT I"VE WRITTEN!!! THIS IS THE BEST I CAN DO.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.................Do you understand? There dosen't seem to be any help. I'm a 22 year old loser who has no life and no future. Hope is still there. Some hope. Not much.

[I'm going to leave the above........................................]

Group therapy wouldn't work for this reason. I can imagine it now. It just wouldn't work. I'm too screwed up. Just take a look at my post.

NOW ---> is there really help out there? If I did try and talk to someone..................... t just wouldn't end well. I wouldn't have anything to say. I once had a lot of things to say. Now that's all changed.

THIS is me. This is who I've become. It's like this every single day. Maybe I should end it. It's just too bad.

I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE MY OLD SELF AGAIN. I was once normal, smart (believe it or not!), got good grades, had friends, etc................. Somehow that all changed and I've been reduced to this. I don't know anything. All I know is that I'm screwed up.

Where do I start? How do I improve? Should I really continue with this medication, is it really making me better? .,...........................

**********************************************************************************************************

So, as you can see, I am royally screwed up.

I never thought it could get this bad. I can't imagine it getting worse. But it just might.

*********************************************************************************************************

 

[LockedUp86]

I probably shouldn't have posted the above, but it's probably best that you know what it's like for me. Maybe this way I'll get the help I need. There must be some help out there for me.

Firstly, I need to become me again. How do I accomplish this? If I don't become me, then, there's just no point to go on. I won't experience anything anymore.

GODDAMMIT!!! I'm just not making sense, huh?

This best describes what I feel like: I'm in a glass cup. I can see the world and the world can see me, but....................... That's it.

 

[LockedUp86]

I suffer like this everyday.

 

[LockedUp86]

I feel like I'll never be understood. Maybe it's to late for me? Maybe I am hopeless?

Just tell me that I'm hopeless.

 

[LockedUp86]

How can I improve when I'm like this. THIS is how it is for me everyday. I need to somehow get control of my mind. Not drinking any coffee would be a start, however, then the side-effects from the medication would become too uncomfortable. You see, my options are very limited.

OK, that's it, I'm logging off. Bye!

 

[LockedUp86]

I'm sorry for posting like this. I wish I was better.

Can it get better? I need to believe that it can get better. However, it hasn't been better for along time. I guess I need someone to explain it to me. How do I make it better?

Again, I'm really sorry for posting like this. If I didn't post like this, then I wouldn't post at all and getting help would be virtually impossible. I need to try somehow. I hope you understand.

I'll comeback when I'm feeling better (and no caffeine in my system!). Thanks for all your help!


Kind regards,

 

[Apotheosis]

Where do I start? How do I improve? Should I really continue with this medication, is it really making me better? .,...........................

**********************************************************************************************************

So, as you can see, I am royally screwed up.

I never thought it could get this bad. I can't imagine it getting worse. But it just might.

*********************************************************************************************************

I think it's normal - given this diagnosis; to go through this stuff you describe. At one stage I became a total recluse.

Are you taking drugs/alcohol now? or is it all in the past?

Separating things out has helped me, & dealing with what I can in small manageable chunks. I personally found 12 step recovery groups to have been a great help.

I try to practise acceptance as best I can - we can't change the past; we can't rewind time. Things can & do improve, but it's often a case of managing things on a moment by moment basis when they get hairy. I try to focus on what is in front of me - get a good meal, relax a bit, do whatever to wind down & enjoy myself. It can be as simple as a bath, reading a book, watching a bit of TV, a walk, meeting up with a friend, whatever helps with things.

Posting on forums helps. What about you starting a Journal, & expressing how you are feeling on there? I find that chatting on-line & sharing stuff has a therapeutic benefit. I have spoken about the same stuff to other people in my life for years - it has helped me to share about the things that have bothered & upset me. With enough time & talking about things; stuff can get a lot easier to deal with.

You aren't alone with this stuff.

What interests & enjoyments do you have - anything? It can help just to find something & to focus on that. I like computers. I can spend hours on-line, I like tinkering with PC's, building them, taking them apart etc. I used to subscribe to a PC magazine, I used to enjoy reading through that. I like to pass the time sometimes researching the latest PC hardware, I still do sometimes.

As for coffee; I love it too. Moderation in all things. Too much coffee isn't good. I have got in some right states in the past from far too much coffee. These days I just drink 3 or 4 cups a day, & not too late at night.

I have to get up when I wake up, some mornings I am up early, but sleep has been better for me recently, I am far more relaxed on the whole. More exercise & relaxation/meditation techniques have helped.

I think that a lot of things affect us in the way we react to them. If we can look for ways of letting go, & feeling better about certain things, then they no longer bother us in quite the same way.

Keep posting, & give things time. I am sure that things can & will improve for you.

 

[diddypinks]

get off repiradone

hi there i just want to say i am in no way a doctor or phycologist but i do have paranoid sctzophrenia i spent a year of mylife on respiradone and it was the most hellish year of my life i was constantly tired grumpy and in a very dark place. i had a med review and they started me on quitiapine which is a new ish anti phycotic my life has changed for the better ever since it does its job without making me feel like a complete zombie i personaly would never take respiradone again. good luck the thing to remember is this will go away again even if it doesnt feel like it right now good luck diddy

 

[diddypinks]

also i take a high dosage at night and a none in the morning

 

[ramboghettouk]

i've lived with schitsoprenia for 30yrs, maybe thats an achievement is it the illness thats the problem or is it the label? i quite often wonder

 

[zwish]

I probably shouldn't have posted the above, but it's probably best that you know what it's like for me. Maybe this way I'll get the help I need. There must be some help out there for me.

Firstly, I need to become me again. How do I accomplish this? If I don't become me, then, there's just no point to go on. I won't experience anything anymore.

GODDAMMIT!!! I'm just not making sense, huh?

This best describes what I feel like: I'm in a glass cup. I can see the world and the world can see me, but....................... That's it.

HI

I happened upon this site, and yours was first post I read, and I immediately signed up so I can talk to you

I am really upset to hear what your going through!

I personally do not believe in the mental health myth. I have researched it many years since reading Thomas Szasz's The myth of Mental Illness, then I read R.D.Laing, Fred Baughman, etc etc

I also have a blog where I have explored this also

At the moment I am right into researching about 'schizophrenia' and 'spiritual emergency' in a deep way. by this I mean that even those two terms 'schizophrenia' and 'spiritual emergency' in some camps are divided. Ie., even in Transpersonal Psychology Movement is the idea that there are spiritual emergencies and 'authentic schizophrenias' and the former deserve non-medical support etc and the latter the typical psychiatric regimen of lock-up and toxic drugs--meaning that they still support the mehntal illness myth

I have debated--often with mental health professionals who will use lots of language to 'prove' their belief in mental illness

But anyway me going on about this isn't listening to your persopn problem right now (though in a way it is, because i feel looking as deep as you go into this is healing in itself!!)

Yesterday I found this really moving article:I first found here: http://www.successfulschizophrenia.org/ and then found the article there Non-Diagnostic Listening Led to a Rapid "Recovery" from Paranoid Schizophrenia http://www.successfulschizophrenia.org/articles/ndlisten.html
Please read it

Can you say in more detail when your problems began? I remember you saying that before you really felt good about life? And then things went bad and now you feel really desperate. Care to elaborate what happened?

Ps: have you heard of Mad Pride?