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schizoaffective disorder... but can't remember

S

seyfert

New member
Joined
Jan 1, 2010
Messages
2
Hi, I am a 20 year old male with the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I am having a strange issue regarding this disorder, that I have looked up on the web and have found no similar affliction to my own.

I can't remember any of what happened to me, or at least if I do, it does not seem real, like it ever happened to me (as if it was someone else's history almost). I was diagnosed with the disorder when I was 15 after two psychotic breakdowns, and being hospitalized at each one, the last of those being where I was diagnosed. But since then, I have not remembered, as it seems real to me, what the symptoms were like, although having medical records from one of the hospitals (and awaiting records from the other one) that describe my condition, and what I told them (but don't remember telling them anything that is written down there) was happening to me. I remember these obscure details that don't seem right, but at the same time, don't know where else I'd get them from.

What I remember, or at least what my mind keeps coming up with is:

Voices, I'd hear 1-4 voices in my head, one telling my life story in a running commentary (like someone was writing a biography or journal of me, in sort of a smooth computerized voice), one of people telling me my faults and putting me down in the voice of someone I knew (like a coworker, friend, family member), music playing (usually hard rock or other emotional music, sometimes something I've seemed to have created, but not usually being sung in my voice), and a voice that was a guide to me in my quest to end all suffering, unfairness, and seek ultimate happiness for all life in the universe and rid the universe of an influential force that created misery with in it (kind of like the running commentary, but more calm and human).

Visual hallucinations, some of these I have experienced recently if I am emotionally stressed or if my medication is wearing off. I would see this sparkling sea of colors that bled across my field of vision (in bright green, pink, blue, and red sparkling fluid like stuff), little tiny red eyes that would appear in the left side of my vision, and at night, black shadowy figures following people on the street mocking they're movements as the followed behind them, and shadowy gray ghost faces with closed eyes appearing in dark corners (the last one I experienced came out of a dark part of the highway after I got onto the exit only lane for a freeway exit). I also remember these hallucinations before I was treated (and one of them appearing at the hospital I first stayed at while talking to someone about what was happening to me there), a cloud like monster made of TV static with expressionless eyes and mouth that would appear if my room if the lights were out, and peoples faces becoming clouded with static and black eyes where their eyes should be and black mouths where their mouths should be, and the mouths having four snake-like fangs gleaming white and shiny black at the same time (remember seeing this happen to someone in the distance at a table far away from me when talking to the person at the first hospital).

Paranoia, I remember I used to be extremely afraid of people and suspected my friends of them planning things against me or leaving me in school. I used to sometimes think my parents did not actually love me and wanted to destroy me and see me fail. Sometimes when my parents would get angry at me I felt like they were going to kill me in my sleep. I am still paranoid, suspectful, and afraid of people, although as I interact with people more it gets better usually.

Bizarre dreams, I remember having strange, colorful, and/or disturbing dreams, like red eyes in the sky looking down on me in a yellow sky as I stood on the sidewalk outside my house where all the houses, cars, trees, etc had a dingy yellow tint to them, or me in a forest with bright green pine trees under an orange sky with a bright blue sphere shooting out sparks of lightning, and me running up to a cliff edge that down below had a gray and black fog that extended all the way to the horizon.

Delusions, I remember that I used to think that I was an influential force in the universe that was meant to find a way to end the suffering, unfairness (orginal or accrued, original being something someone is born with, accrued being something someone has inflicted on them during the course of their life), and the ultimate end of life in the universe. I had names for the force that opposed me, the forces that helped me (as mentioned before I had a voice from this "force" that "guided" me), and the forces that retained people's souls after death.

All of this seems to come out of someone else's life (except for the ones I have experienced recently, and even those after awhile after having them, when I take my meds or calm down, they seem less and less like they happened to me at all), especially the voices, as the only thing I have experienced similar to them lately was a night when I forgot my meds and when dosing off in bed after taking my meds the next day heard these thoughts (one of them being similar to the running commentary, but not exactly the same thing that I remember), not audiable voices (I describe them as really "loud" thoughts as they overtake all other thoughts in intensity), getting progressively louder and louder in my head and sometimes "lurching" sensations (something sounding like a "Boo!" or "Ungh!") or part of the thought into my ear (actually audiable, not a thought). I feel the delusion being from me fairly well as sometimes I still feel like I am fighting a similar battle all the time, but not quite to that level. I still have the bizarre dreams from time to time (but fairly rarely), and the paranoia is still there, but at a massively decreased level.

What my records from the hospital say in a nutshell is that I was having voices telling me to "kill anybody," "distortions of color and light," "has a flat affect," and "is having suicidal and homicidal thoughts." I don't know whether I wasn't telling them everything (as the visual stuff I've experienced recently could maybe be a "distortion"), or if it was different then in some way (my mom thinks it was likely the former, and with her being a psychology student , is likely right). I'm going to take a look at the records from the other hospital when I receive them, and it may clear some things up a little (or it might confuse me more, who knows...).

Anyways, I don't know why it is like this, other people with this disorder seem to know that what happened to them was real, and came from them, knowing that it actually happened to them, etc, and would appreciate any input on this, especially from someone with a similar problem.

Thanks,

seyfert :)
 
S

seyfert

New member
Joined
Jan 1, 2010
Messages
2
correction

Err, by the way, I don't mean real as in the symptoms being real, but real as in having happened, just to avoid confusion, and when I say don't remember I don't remember much as ever having happened to me, but some sort of memory is there.

The whole post was kind of a stream of consciousness, as I really can't put it in a better way.

Thanks again,

seyfert :)
 
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