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Scared...Very scared...

I

ItsOk

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Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Brisbane
I’m so scared right now... I’ve been telling myself everything is ok... particularly in comparison to where I used to be... telling everyone else that I’m fine... but after a couple recent events I’m not so sure... I’m not sure I’m really ok...
I supposedly have atypical anorexia (which I struggle to accept)...
the other night I ended up at the emergency department and was found to have dangerously low levels of potassium and ECG changes... And required a considerable amount of IV replacement... My potassium has never been low before... I’ve had low calcium, low magnesium and low sodium... but not potassium... I thought everything was ok... but maybe it’s not...
I then tried to get myself to go shopping so that I at least had some food in the house even if it was just safe foods... I was walking through the store feeling sick with anxiety and holding back tears about being surround by so much food... so many calories... I hadn’t had that feeling or experience for a long time but it’s like something had flicked backwards in my head...

So I’m feeling incredibly scared... scared of how I’m feeling and thinking... I’ve a steady job now and can’t go back to where I was... but don’t know how I can stop this slippery slope... 😭
 
Falling_Fixation

Falling_Fixation

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Joined
Sep 5, 2020
Messages
77
Location
South Africa
You're going to hate me for saying this, but as someone who has an eating disorder I have realised that there are only 2 ways out of a relapse:
  1. Forcing yourself to eat while you inevitably cry (which does not make you less anxious, it only saves your body)
  2. Getting professional help (even if it's like the tenth time of doing it)
You absolutely cannot ignore what is happening. It's dangerous and scary but you HAVE to face it.
If you don't eat you GET EATEN.

You might not be able to cure your mind (some of us will always have these thoughts and feelings around food), but you still have the time to cure and save your body.

Best wishes,
Scarlette
 
I

ItsOk

Member
Joined
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Messages
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Location
Brisbane
I am getting help through seeing a psychologist monthly. I’m not sure if I’m more scared of what has happened in the last week or scared of what my psychologist is going to say... she has been pushing admission for a while and I’ve always relied on the “I’m physically well” argument... I can’t afford an admission at the moment because if work finds out I’m screwed... I’ve already lost one career to my ED and can’t lose another...
but where my head is right now I’m not sure I can make myself eat better... I’ve been trying
 
P

Purpleplum

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What about an out patient treatment facility? You need something serious for this but I understand the work thing. What about taking FMLA (if you're in the US). You cannot lose your job on FMLA.
 
Falling_Fixation

Falling_Fixation

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Messages
77
Location
South Africa
I am getting help through seeing a psychologist monthly. I’m not sure if I’m more scared of what has happened in the last week or scared of what my psychologist is going to say... she has been pushing admission for a while and I’ve always relied on the “I’m physically well” argument... I can’t afford an admission at the moment because if work finds out I’m screwed... I’ve already lost one career to my ED and can’t lose another...
but where my head is right now I’m not sure I can make myself eat better... I’ve been trying
I'm so sorry you are in that situation with your job. It sounds really difficult. And I know saying "just eat" never helps. I honestly don't have any good advice for you. All I can say is that I hope things get better for you.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Nevermind the FMLA. I just saw you weren't in the US
 
I

ItsOk

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I am a shift worker so can’t attend outpatient programs... and I’m in Australia, so no idea what FMLA is?
 
P

Purpleplum

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I am a shift worker so can’t attend outpatient programs... and I’m in Australia, so no idea what FMLA is?
FMLA is a law here where when you take medical leave from a job they have to hold your job for you.
 
P

Purpleplum

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You do have to think about it this way: you won't have a job when you're no longer here anymore. What is more important....your life or your job?
 
I

ItsOk

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You do have to think about it this way: you won't have a job when you're no longer here anymore. What is more important....your life or your job?
Unfortunately at the moment my mind is saying if I my life endslife it doesn’t matter if I don’t have a job... but if I lose my job my life would probably end anyway 😢
 
P

Purpleplum

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Unfortunately at the moment my mind is saying if I my life endslife it doesn’t matter if I don’t have a job... but if I lose my job my life would probably end anyway 😢
I know how you feel. Is there a way you can get some kind of treatment and still work?
 
I

ItsOk

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
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I know how you feel. Is there a way you can get some kind of treatment and still work?
I think the treatment I’m having with my psychologist is the most I can get whilst still working. It’s hard fitting things in with shift work. Can’t commit to anything because my shifts are different every week
 
P

Purpleplum

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I think the treatment I’m having with my psychologist is the most I can get whilst still working. It’s hard fitting things in with shift work. Can’t commit to anything because my shifts are different every week
Could you see if you could get on a more stable shift?
 
M

Mary26

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Feb 28, 2018
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252
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USA
I don't know what the options are where you live but seeing a psychologist once a month for something so serious? Because generally they recognize the eating disorder as the biggest priority (most critical) and will treat it in conjunction with other issues. Can you put together an outpatient team? You would still be able to work.
 
I

ItsOk

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
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Location
Brisbane
I don't know what the options are where you live but seeing a psychologist once a month for something so serious? Because generally they recognize the eating disorder as the biggest priority (most critical) and will treat it in conjunction with other issues. Can you put together an outpatient team? You would still be able to work.
I had to cut back to once a month due to it being so expensive... my psychologist has been wanting me to have an admission for re-feeding but knows it’s not possible with my job... and knows how important work is to my overall mental health... she also would love me to do her outpatient anorexia treatment group but again not possible with my work... she also would like me to see a dietician but hasn’t been pushing it overly because is trying to let me choose “when I am ready”... not sure it will be the same case when she finds out about hospital though...
 
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