Scared to Tell the Truth. Scared of diagnosis.

[WingedFallen]

Hi. I'm new here and this is my first thread, I apologize if it shouldn't be here but this seemed the most correct place. For a number of reasons I believe that my diagnosis of depression and anxiety is a gross oversimplification of my problems, and my medication is not helping me maintain control like it seemed to when I first started it, which may or may not have been partially placebo and the relief I felt from having a caring voice talk to me about some of my problems for the first time. I'm thirty and just sought help for the first time a couple of years ago, but I wasn't completely honest. I didn't lie about everything, but I did lie by omission about my rage, my intrusive thoughts, how much I've thought about suicide over the years, and the like. I've read about bipolar before and it seems like I have it, but I'm terrified to open up completely and get a true diagnosis. I'm terrified of being involuntarily institutionalized on top of the crippling social fear, and have a lot of fears related to anything that involved being involuntarily restrained somewhere. I can't help but think "if they know the truth, they'll hate me" about everyone, including my medication doctor. Today I may be losing my girlfriend of many years who I love more than anything in the world because of my outbursts. I don't know why I can't control myself. I don't know why I do things I have no conscious desire to do, like break objects in my house in a rage. These problems all go back many years, but things have come to a head recently with what's been going on in the world and problems in my own life. I feel like I've been on a downward spiral for over a year. I don't even know what I'm asking of whoever is reading this, but I need some kind of input from somewhere, though even without my real name or face being tied to this statement I am still terrified to tell the whole truth. Thank you for your time.

 

[Zoe1]

hi WingedFallen !

n yeah ... thats brave of you to open up thus far
what do you think the rage is about ?

I was devastated when I was hospitalised
but its actually worked out for the best
I do feel better, now I talk to people more,
I'm enjoying life

I hope you are not detained,
but just to say that its not necessarily the end of the world

 

[Dice]

Hi and welcome. First of all can I just ask what meds you are on at the minute and what changes have you noticed since being on them, if any, that you think could be purely down to them?

Also, can you tell us more about your relationship? Is it a case of you pushing her away but not really meaning to, that kind of thing?

 

[Faith198]

No one is going to hate you, you can’t control what’s going on. As for speaking up about what’s really going on, I think you should try to be as honest as you can because you will get the help you need. Most people who work in that industry want to help people. I have told my therapist and things a lot of stuff I never thought I’d open up about, but it is the only way to get appropriate treatment. I know maybe you feel embarrassed, worried, and uncomfortable and I completely understand.

No one is going to shame you though, they just want to help. I’m sorry you’re losing someone you love because of this. Maybe you can try and reconcile with her when you’re doing better? Let her know you’re going through some things? Either way, I hope you feel better and I’m sorry about what’s going on

 

[JessisMe]

I’m really sorry about the symptoms you have been experiencing and your fear to share them with your provider. It might help to think of them for what they are: they are symptoms. They aren’t who you are and having them is not your choice. Your MH providers role is to examine symptoms and use this information to diagnose and treat illness where and when it occurs to make people’s lives better and easier to manage. Most providers have a whole range of clients they see over the course of their career so probably your symptoms are nothing new to them. They have probably seen it all. And their job is to treat symptoms, not to pass judgements. As for hospitalization that occurs rarely unless you are a danger to yourself or others. Even then it can be hard to get into the hospital even if you desperately want to because there is such a shortage of beds. People can be restrained in the hospital but it is very unusual and would likely only take place if the patient is wildly unruly and an immediate danger to others and himself. So I wouldn’t worry about the consequences of opening up more to your provider. Most likely the worst thing that will come of it is that you could be assigned to therapy or put on a new med. I would encourage you to talk with them as soon as possible because it could help you to get a handle on things that could be damaging to your life like driving your girlfriend away. I used to be afraid of opening up more to my providers too but when I did they genuinely seemed interested but i phased by it. I’m sure with others it is likely the same.

 

[BipolarCoder]

Try not to be hard on yourself. The very mental disbances that can cause us to need help can also make it hard to trust and be honest, with others and with ourselves.

I'm 45 y/o, i had mild bipolar 2 since high school and was diagnosed in my late 30s when a ritalin reaction gave me a real mania and an "upgrade" to bipolar 1. Even with 20+ years of BP and 8+ years of therapy it is hard for me to be aware and honest about what is going on much of the time.

What i say here may not make you feel differently, but it may help you think and act differently.

Doctors are there to help. Generally speaking, people voluntarily asking for help and being honest are not even admitted to inpatient hospitals, let alone held against their will.

When ritalin made me manic, my wife called my doctor, and he said to take me to the ER, and even with a doctors orders and me asking for a hospital stay, they wanted to send me home because i was coherent and peaceful. (Nevermind me thinking i saw the real Jesus in one if the ER beds)

As for being scared of diagnosis.. having a semi-accurate diagnosis is both much harder and more helpful than you realize. My doctor didn't mention any type of diagnosis to me until i asked, and that was years into therapy. And then it was vague "delression". I was very hard to diagnose because my coping mechanisms had been going on so long i didn't even see many of the symptoms anymore.

If i had found a real bipolar 2 diagnosis earlier, it would have kept me away from the adhd suspicions and ritalin experiment, and maybe i would never have been triggered into full blown mania (which i've now experienced a second time without any drug trigger). That would have been a real benefit.

I've been given a bunch of medication over the years. I had the best response with seroquel and latuda, but in both cases the first 5 months were the best response, then they were pretty mediocre. It may take a while to find meds and a routine that helps. Exercise, sleep, and breathing exercises have given me more consistent long term benefit than meds - when i can keep them going.

I hope these stories will help you be less worried about being honest, and about potentially getting a diagnosis.. and also i hope they can give you some perspective on how getting to the bottom of mental illness, and finding meds and coping strategies can be a long process.