- Jun 6, 2020
Hi. I'm new here and this is my first thread, I apologize if it shouldn't be here but this seemed the most correct place. For a number of reasons I believe that my diagnosis of depression and anxiety is a gross oversimplification of my problems, and my medication is not helping me maintain control like it seemed to when I first started it, which may or may not have been partially placebo and the relief I felt from having a caring voice talk to me about some of my problems for the first time. I'm thirty and just sought help for the first time a couple of years ago, but I wasn't completely honest. I didn't lie about everything, but I did lie by omission about my rage, my intrusive thoughts, how much I've thought about suicide over the years, and the like. I've read about bipolar before and it seems like I have it, but I'm terrified to open up completely and get a true diagnosis. I'm terrified of being involuntarily institutionalized on top of the crippling social fear, and have a lot of fears related to anything that involved being involuntarily restrained somewhere. I can't help but think "if they know the truth, they'll hate me" about everyone, including my medication doctor. Today I may be losing my girlfriend of many years who I love more than anything in the world because of my outbursts. I don't know why I can't control myself. I don't know why I do things I have no conscious desire to do, like break objects in my house in a rage. These problems all go back many years, but things have come to a head recently with what's been going on in the world and problems in my own life. I feel like I've been on a downward spiral for over a year. I don't even know what I'm asking of whoever is reading this, but I need some kind of input from somewhere, though even without my real name or face being tied to this statement I am still terrified to tell the whole truth. Thank you for your time.