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Scared to have kids because of OCD

J

ji_11

Member
Joined
Mar 29, 2020
Messages
12
Location
Bahamas
I've had ocd my whole life, it runs in the family, each generation. So I know it's not my fault, but because the sexual aspect of ocd is so hard to talk about I assume everyone else in my family has the "normal" kind of ocd and I have the messed up kind that focuses on intrusive thoughts. I started having sexual intrusive thoughts before I knew the word "sex".

I was about 8 and really anxious from bullying at school which I'm sure is what started it. I had started using the internet at that age and already come across a porn ad so I knew what it looked like and this quickly plagued my mind about it happening to me. (it would be a random adult usually someone I had seen on tv) Later it's like my ocd started realizing how messed up it could push it, I got slightly older and found out what a pedophile was, this was the worst for me.

I was a child having to hit my head while I was alone when I felt an intrusive thought coming, they became almost completely sexual but in my head thoughts including a random adult weren't harmful enough anymore I'd gotten used to it. So my brain moved on to "what if you're a pedo, what if you're incestual" that harmed me the most.

Luckily the thoughts would rarely get further than popping up for a second at a time because I was so disgusted by them and had such a violent reaction to it. I would do anything physical to myself to get it to stop until I had something to distract myself better.

Anyways now I'm a young adult and while I'm thankful those days are behind me and I barely struggle with ocd anymore I feel like my ocd ruined my childhood dream of having kids. Even though I know it's just my disorder. I don't know how I could live with myself if the ocd resurfaced like that. I also have little interest in dating (separate issue maybe?) so I have a feeling I'll just never start a family. :/ Although my family is all expecting it especially now that I'm not a teenager anymore. So I just feel all kinds of guilt.
 
M

Mister_Fabulous formerly BetaMale

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
1,261
Location
India
I'd say that kids are overrated, so this may be a good thing.
 
I

Idontliketomatoes

Member
Joined
Mar 25, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Arizona
I’m dealing with the same thing. I just balled my eyes out and considered ending my life. I came on here to help me calm down. I want to be a mother so bad. But I’m so scared. I know I would never do anything to hurt my children but these horrible thoughts just make me feel guilty even though I’d never do any of that. I also just don’t want to be an anxious and depressed mother either. I’m sorry you have to deal with this crap too. It’s mentally draining.
 
M

Mister_Fabulous formerly BetaMale

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
1,261
Location
India
J

ji_11

Member
Joined
Mar 29, 2020
Messages
12
Location
Bahamas
I’m dealing with the same thing. I just balled my eyes out and considered ending my life. I came on here to help me calm down. I want to be a mother so bad. But I’m so scared. I know I would never do anything to hurt my children but these horrible thoughts just make me feel guilty even though I’d never do any of that. I also just don’t want to be an anxious and depressed mother either. I’m sorry you have to deal with this crap too. It’s mentally draining.
Please don't harm yourself, as long as we know others are like this and it's the fault of our disorder not ourselves we will be okay <3 Whether that means we'll have children I don't know, but first and foremost it's not our fault. I know just how you feel, I'm very sorry you don't deserve to feel the hurt.
 
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