Scared and Defensive!

[martyn6291]

im 28 Ive been told for some time now that i am mentally ill...by family and close ones....mainly because i am always in some kind of emotional turmoil. I thought i was Bipolar at one point...

around 8 months ago i split from my partner, id lost my job and also i had just become a father...so i was totally messed up..and if im honest i still feel messed up! I went for over a year with no sleep.

I cant stop avoiding things..i have become so afraid of everything, that i just walk away. I know this is avoidant behaviour, but i honestly cant cope with anymore stress..My ex partner doesnt help things..im convinced shes trying to hurt me, in fact im convinced everyones trying to do me some kind of damage!

I have no confidence to go to work anymore, i have decided that i cant see my daughter anymore because im so convinced that others are interfereing or putting me down, and im unsure im anygood as a dad that i just become a defensive monster (not hitting out)

I was on Citalopram for about 7 months but stopped it because i wasnt resolving anything....and here i still am!

I just am so scared of everything...i just feel like i wanna die sometimes!

 

[Ainsworth]

hey Martin,

i have felt like that many a time over the last 20 years. i have very avoidant behaviour, always running off. i was suspected bi-polar last year (taken away from me now, long story) i have attachments/personality problems because of my childhood and classed as depressed with afew other problems to.

i too was on Citalopram and it did nothing for me. im now on a mood stabliser and zoloft (cant remember its other name). think it needs to be put up though.

others will have good advice for you but stay and chat

 

[martyn6291]

Hi!

Hi mate!

Yeah that sounds like me mate...i was furiously doing all sorts of mood charts...monitoring my crashes and highs .....my doctor was well impressed!

In may ways i wanted him to diagnose me with BP just to gove me something substancial to work with...these days im a load of different things...but Borderline/Avoidant PD is deffo more likely...(not looking for lables)

I proper pi55ed off that ive lost so much because of my moods...my ex never understood..and many get upset with me...when inside im begging for something else...the other thing is...im really good at helping others...just the worst at helping myself?

Sound familiar?

lol

 

[Ainsworth]

mate! you have just described me completely

 

[martyn6291]

Lol!

Oh yeah i can do that with others to a Tea!

My friends come to me with problems and i can tell them in 5 mins whats up....but in truth im the most f^cked up person they know!

Kind of iroinic isnt it!

 

[Ainsworth]

Oh yeah i can do that with others to a Tea!

My friends come to me with problems and i can tell them in 5 mins whats up....but in truth im the most f^cked up person they know!

Kind of iroinic isnt it!

thats cus your friends dont know me

i have it all in my head and can help others but cant apply it to myself, my reactions take over, the paranoia is the worse! pushing people away when i want them to take notice, abandonment is hell for me.

its screwed up really

 

[martyn6291]

No way!

I think your my perception twin!...thats EXACTLY like me man!

when i ask of something for myself..i only give others one chance to fulfill my expectations...if not WHAM..im gone.....!.

expectations are the root of all things for me....if they aint fulfilled then im gutted..but im wholly unsure how deep they are..im unser how high they are...as to me...they are normal!!....messed up!!

 

[Ainsworth]

yeah and whats even more spooky is you live in my part of the world to

 

[martyn6291]

No way!

Im not a great lover of the word co-incidence..but maybe in this case?..hmm lol!

 

[Ainsworth]

two of us in such a small area, is the world prepared, i think not!!!