scared about my boyfriend

[littlemiss436]

I was in court this morning for my boyfriend. The psych report said he probably had ASPD. He'd told me he was schizophrenic (or rather, that they had said he was) and the court were "worried that he had convinced his partner that he has Schizophrenia".

He's told me he really wants help and wants to get better and that he loves me. But I really don't understand how I can believe a word he says, I'm beginning to notice proper patterns now in his behaviour and he lies a lot...

My understanding of personality disorders is that they are 'not treatable' like an illness like depression or schizophrenia. They are more like a condition, like a deformed foot, that one must learn to live with, rather than a treatable illness and the mental health services generally don't want to know. Am I right or am I totally off the mark?

I love my boyfriend but I'm scared that he will just keep breaking laws again, he clearly doesn't give a shit but then appears genuinely concerned and wants help and wants to move on with his life.

Thanks.

 

[*Sapphire*]

My understanding of personality disorders is that they are 'not treatable' like an illness like depression or schizophrenia. They are more like a condition, like a deformed foot, that one must learn to live with, rather than a treatable illness and the mental health services generally don't want to know. Am I right or am I totally off the mark?

Hi littlemiss,

I am afraid I have to totally disagree with you. I have/had borderline personality disorder. I was written off by psychiatrists at one point in my life where one psychiatrist said this "you have this, you will always have this, you just have to learn to live with this, you will never get better".

This was the most damning indictment of my entire life, and I almost gave up on life altogether. However after ten years of suffering with it and professionals disregarding me and labelling me as virtually untreatable, a new therapy called dialectical behavior therapy was offered to me.

I have had so much success with this therapy that if I took the DSM test to test for it, it is unlikely that I will be highlighted as someone who suffers with it any more. All professionals in my care agree. I am married, have been in a stable relationship for almost ten years, have a healthy social life and am successful in my work, everything they said I wouldn't be able to achieve and more.

My disorder was caused by me missing (for whatever reason, blame is not the answer) a fundamental part of learning how to cope with my feelings. And although I will always suffer with vulnerabilities (given my history) I can learn to cope with these and lead a normal life (even moreso than some people I know who have never been diagnosed with a mental health condition).

Yes the professionals may not have come up with a therapy that works for your partners disorder, but that is often because many professionals don't explore areas of therapy aimed at personality disorders. Often professionals would prefer to explore treatments that involve medication because it is cheaper.

This invariably does not work because the problem is usually about how we view things and cope with things, and how we were brought up (again blame is not the issue, sometimes these things can develop with no bad intentions involved) rather than a chemical imbalance in the brain.

I can understand how your partner feels, he may feel he can not help how he is right now.

However you also have to bear in mind how you are coping with things and how you feel. If it is affecting you negatively then perhaps you have to reassess your relationship. However through this, please do not write him off altogether as a person. There may be a treatment one day that will tackle his issues and he may become a completely different person. But at the same time you have to consider your own mental health well being.

Perhaps exploring some new therapeutic treatments that deal with his disorder specifically is the way forward, if you have the emotional resources to do that with him.

My husband did, and the depth of our relationship and outlook on life has grown significantly, but everyone has their own limits and you both have to take that into consideration.

I hope that helps

 

[littlemiss436]

Thank you so much, that really does help
And well done you, I am delighted to read of how successfully you have got on. I hope you continue to be well and life be good for you

I'm glad I got the wrong impression - I am sure I read it from a reputable source but am glad it was either wrong or I misremembered.
It was just that the psych report said "He is not mentally ill. It's likely he has a personality disorder." Mental illness I understand. PDs, less so. More reading to do....!

Thank you, yes I do desperately want to help my bf, I believe that he is a good man really. I just know he has a history of breaking the law (never hurting anyone) and I will go through this (he's been in prison 4 months now) only once, I can't cope with much longer and I don't want to have to go through it a second time.

I would never write him off altogether as a person, he and I have been through too much together for me to do that (and indeed I'd not do that anyway).

It was just really shocking today when he's been saying "I've probably got Schizophrenia" and they have actually been giving him antipsychotics (I have this confirmed from an official source) and then they read such a damning psych report. He gets sentenced in 2 weeks and we were told to expect a non-custodial sentence but after the psych report I am worried. I just want him home so we can begin to sort things out and go see the GP and try and get proper help, not from the prison service NHS to whom, lets face it, he's just another criminal....

As an aside about psychiatrists, yes they can be complete buggers. Years ago I had depression and a nervous breakdown. I tried to get help and the psych told me "It's all in your head, there's nothing wrong with you." Of course it's in my head!!!!!!!! I now manage my depressive disorder on my own with little input from the GP as they don't seem to help in a way that works for me, so I am very sympathetic to things the system seem not to be able to help with.

Thank you so much for your post, I really appreciate you taking the time to share with me

 

[*Sapphire*]

That's okay.

I do want to highlight though that your mental health and life comes first and foremost. If he is lieing to you, in my opinion that is not acceptable, and you have to let him know that. We can all understand a condition, but you do not have to accept the consequences if it is really endangering or damaging your life. Just remember that.

I am glad that you are managing on your own issues and that you can understand his predicament, that shows real strength, but please make sure you look after yourself.

In a way I feel a personality disorder can be overcome, because I believe it is not chemical, and I do believe that given time and the right treatment things can get better. But in my opinion it requires two things.

1) A recognition from your partner that the way he is doing things/coping with things is not socially or interpersonally acceptable.

2) That your partner shows a willingness, dedication (practically) and determination to change.

Without these things, all the therapy in the world is unlikely to help.

I wish you both the best for the future too. Please let us know how you both get on

 

[littlemiss436]

Thank you

Yes, I am keeping my health in mind too and am aware of what my limits may be.

With regards to your two crucial points I think he passes both of them or at least he says he does. When he comes home (possibly as soon as 2 weeks time) we will have to have a long chat and see how things go as it will be his actions and not his promises while he's been in prison that will determine the future.

I spoke to him today and I am confident that we have hope.

Now all I want is for the next 2 weeks to go quickly and for them to let him come home then. I miss him like crazy.

 

[catastrophic]

BPD undiagnosed...

I joined this site as I really dont know where else to turn to for somewhere to speak where I may be understood. My boyfriend of 3 years is suffering from som sort of mental illness. This has been the case for a long time in hindsight but became noticeable on his return from prison for assault. He has a viloent temper when drinking and is constantly anxious when sober. Having seen all sorts of websites re BPD he has every single attribute, they couldve been written for him. The initial talk with his doctor resulted in tablets for 'BPD smptoms' and depressions. he was scared and angry and kept drinking on and off which seems to catapult him into a pschosis. He got aggressive with me a few times in the same number of weeks, and I said I was leaving him. Then he tried to kill himself, and later me.
He doesnt remember alot of what he did, and cant understand why I am 'abandoning him'. He is now back in prison, and in his own words he has nothing to live for, he is worth nothing and there is no point carrying on wth life.
I have since moved house and have kept my adress secret. I feel so utterly guilty for leaving him, but felt too in danger to stay. I cant get over him as I still love him deeply and there is such a good person in there. Im scared he wont get the actual diagnosis he needs whilst in prison, and therefore wont get the help he desperately needs.
In his mind, as long as we are together he is OK, and his whole life hinges on me, he cannot be alone. Then I get confused as to whether it is really me he needs or just someone so he is not alone. If I initiate contact to show Im there for him am I making a rod for my own back, and am I actually making things worse for him by giving him hope?.

Thanks

xx:
Any feedback or shared experiences would be gratefully received

 

[cloudberry]

Fantastic Sapphire. Thankyou sooooo much for this.

Thanks also for littlemiss raising the issue.

I have BPD, I know it, though the pro's dont seem to acknowledge it or try and treat it.

Sapphire, might you elaborate (in a new thread perhaps) a bit more about dialectical behavior therapy please? I have never heard of it and am keen not to spend years in potentially damaging psychotherapy, or be "written off".

Your love and devotion is tangible littlemiss. He is a lucky man.

cloudberry
(who is lucky to have a man who loves her AND all of her personality disorders!!!)

Hi littlemiss,

I am afraid I have to totally disagree with you. I have/had borderline personality disorder. I was written off by psychiatrists at one point in my life where one psychiatrist said this "you have this, you will always have this, you just have to learn to live with this, you will never get better".

This was the most damning indictment of my entire life, and I almost gave up on life altogether. However after ten years of suffering with it and professionals disregarding me and labelling me as virtually untreatable, a new therapy called dialectical behavior therapy was offered to me.

I have had so much success with this therapy that if I took the DSM test to test for it, it is unlikely that I will be highlighted as someone who suffers with it any more. All professionals in my care agree. I am married, have been in a stable relationship for almost ten years, have a healthy social life and am successful in my work, everything they said I wouldn't be able to achieve and more.

My disorder was caused by me missing (for whatever reason, blame is not the answer) a fundamental part of learning how to cope with my feelings. And although I will always suffer with vulnerabilities (given my history) I can learn to cope with these and lead a normal life (even moreso than some people I know who have never been diagnosed with a mental health condition).

Yes the professionals may not have come up with a therapy that works for your partners disorder, but that is often because many professionals don't explore areas of therapy aimed at personality disorders. Often professionals would prefer to explore treatments that involve medication because it is cheaper.

This invariably does not work because the problem is usually about how we view things and cope with things, and how we were brought up (again blame is not the issue, sometimes these things can develop with no bad intentions involved) rather than a chemical imbalance in the brain.

I can understand how your partner feels, he may feel he can not help how he is right now.

However you also have to bear in mind how you are coping with things and how you feel. If it is affecting you negatively then perhaps you have to reassess your relationship. However through this, please do not write him off altogether as a person. There may be a treatment one day that will tackle his issues and he may become a completely different person. But at the same time you have to consider your own mental health well being.

Perhaps exploring some new therapeutic treatments that deal with his disorder specifically is the way forward, if you have the emotional resources to do that with him.

My husband did, and the depth of our relationship and outlook on life has grown significantly, but everyone has their own limits and you both have to take that into consideration.

I hope that helps

 

[cloudberry]

I joined this site as I really dont know where else to turn to for somewhere to speak where I may be understood. My boyfriend of 3 years is suffering from som sort of mental illness. This has been the case for a long time in hindsight but became noticeable on his return from prison for assault. He has a viloent temper when drinking and is constantly anxious when sober. Having seen all sorts of websites re BPD he has every single attribute, they couldve been written for him. The initial talk with his doctor resulted in tablets for 'BPD smptoms' and depressions. he was scared and angry and kept drinking on and off which seems to catapult him into a pschosis. He got aggressive with me a few times in the same number of weeks, and I said I was leaving him. Then he tried to kill himself, and later me.
He doesnt remember alot of what he did, and cant understand why I am 'abandoning him'. He is now back in prison, and in his own words he has nothing to live for, he is worth nothing and there is no point carrying on wth life.
I have since moved house and have kept my adress secret. I feel so utterly guilty for leaving him, but felt too in danger to stay. I cant get over him as I still love him deeply and there is such a good person in there. Im scared he wont get the actual diagnosis he needs whilst in prison, and therefore wont get the help he desperately needs.
In his mind, as long as we are together he is OK, and his whole life hinges on me, he cannot be alone. Then I get confused as to whether it is really me he needs or just someone so he is not alone. If I initiate contact to show Im there for him am I making a rod for my own back, and am I actually making things worse for him by giving him hope?.

Thanks

xx:
Any feedback or shared experiences would be gratefully received

Hi "cat" - nicer shortened, purr.

I dont have a miracle cure for you, but was moved to reply as your post is so fresh and you clearly need at least some acknowledgement from someone for it. And I am here.

I have read your post twice and I am tired, but a couple of things do occur to me to put down in reply:

1. You did the right thing moving out and keeping your address secret. He tried to kill you while "out of control" and that is enough.

2. You cant save him if he wont take responsibility.

3. Personality disorders untreated or unhelped often lead to self-medication (drink and / or drugs).

4. Which usually make things worse.

5. You are not his therapist, you are his girlfriend / lover. And clearly you do love him. Littlemiss, who triggered your post, clearly loves her man too. But keeping yourself safe is paramount.

My fiancee spent almost four years in prison. I wasnt with him then, but I do know about some of the stigma that follows.
I have PD's, but so far managed to stay out of prison, so can see it from his side a bit too. I drink too much. Got arrested for the first time this year (assaulting a policeman by grazing his steel capped boot - i'm 46), cautioned me. I was off my head with stress, got drunk and..... lost it.

I have to confess that the fear of being alone has lead me to keep some very dodgy company over the years.

The fear of being "abandoned" is really terrifying. He does sound quite classic BPD in this way. Trying to kill himself and then you when you had decided "enough is enough".

Prison will not cure him, no. It may damage him more, or maybe not; I hope. So much depends on what they are in for in how they are treated both by the screws and the other inmates. Some crimes get "respect" others - they live in isolation or amongst others who are in for similar crimes for their own protection.

My guy has been out for over two years now and still cries. He went through a long bought of PTSD last year, which did eventually pass. He is a retired psychotherapist. Has a stable emotional / mental grounding (except the trauma of being in prison anyway), he is a total rock to me.

I am probably not being very helpful, coming from no clear "side" here. But these issues are complex, and as an ex therapist/bodyworker/lightworker also myself, can usually see both sides anyway.

Sending you all blessings and good wishes anyway,

cloudberry

 

[*Sapphire*]

Fantastic Sapphire. Thankyou sooooo much for this.

Thanks also for littlemiss raising the issue.

I have BPD, I know it, though the pro's dont seem to acknowledge it or try and treat it.

Sapphire, might you elaborate (in a new thread perhaps) a bit more about dialectical behavior therapy please? I have never heard of it and am keen not to spend years in potentially damaging psychotherapy, or be "written off".

Your love and devotion is tangible littlemiss. He is a lucky man.

cloudberry
(who is lucky to have a man who loves her AND all of her personality disorders!!!)

I'm glad you found it encouraging Cloudberry. It is over six months since the last DBT group, and I still have individual sessions once a month as they like to peter off your therapy rather than leave you with nothing straight away.

I thought you might like to know that a few weeks ago I did a DSM diagnostic test for my therapist, and this week I got the results!

I did one a couple of years ago before DBT and I was in the diagnostic criteria for BPD, (my score was 85 out of 90 I think). This time I wasn't even in the diagnostic range for it at all. In fact I was told if a clinician saw those results it would not even come on their radar that I might have it!

So YES I do strongly believe that with the right therapy you can learn to manage and perhaps overcome your personality disorder diagnosis, and for me DBT was that therapy!