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Saying hello and feeling as low as I ever have.

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stuartm

Member
Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Northumberland
Hi,
I am very new to this forum and am hoping it is active as there are not many forums in the UK geared towards people who suffer panic disorder(PD).

I was diagnosed with PD roughly 16 years ago and since then I have been mainly housebound, especially in the last few years where I have not managed to get further than 50ft from my flat without panicking and running back home. It just takes over my body and next thing I know I am at my front door shaking. It feels like I am going to lose control and go mad.

I have been with my girlfriend for 18 years and we have two beautiful children, 5 and 2, and it has been hard for all of us as I can only help out around the house ... I am unable to pick the children up from school, take them to school, take them out for day trips, etc. It has severely impacted my mental health and I know it has been hard for my gf, too.

Sadly, just earlier today she decided she did not want to carry on with our relationship and just "broke up" with me. I love her to bits and it hit me very hard. I quickly realised there was no point trying to talk to her as she was adamant and did not want to try anything to see if we could make it work. She said we were just not compatible.

She is the money earner of the house and I have become a house husband (we are not married, just a term I use) and I make the dinners, look after our youngest at home, etc. This does not mean she does nothing around the house as she does. She is a great mum.

I really feel alone and depressed now as she just seemed so cold in the way she ended everything. No emotion. Just matter of fact. She has obviously been thinking about it some time and has already processed it all.

I am very sorry to post such a huge introduction, but I really feel like I need help. I am now facing the prospect of having nowhere to move to, in a town where I have had no chance to make friends due to my not being able to go out, and having no money whatsoever as I do not work.

Where do I go from here? My head is spinning.

Thank you.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
9,506
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Hi and welcome to the forum :welcome:

Have I understood it that she's kicking you out of the house? I get her frustration but i also understand how anxiety feels :hug:

if she kicks you out, do you have anywhere else to go and how will you handle moving? :hug:
 
calypso

calypso

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43,510
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Lancashire
:welcome: to the forum. You are in a bad place aren't you? I think all you can do is apply for benefits and see what comes of that. I am afraid you often have to attend interviews though and that will be impossible for you. Have you ever rung up your GP and asked them via the telephone for help with this? You need help to overcome this crippling anxiety and it can be helped I'm sure. I'm afraid nearly everything involves going out of the house doesn't it?

What started this off? Do you remember a time when this started as a problem?

The Community Mental Health Team should be able to help you once you are referred to them. They can help with you getting benefits too.

Sorry if I sound too practical and not listening enough to you regarding your girlfriend. It must be awful for you to go through that. Did she give any other reason?
 
S

stuartm

Member
Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Northumberland
Calypso, I have had on and off relations with our local mental health team. I was registered with them and had a few different CBT people come and visit me at home and we would go for walks, etc. Eventually, the man who came to see me kept making reasons to call off our appts. and that just led to me not seeing anyone for a long time.

Then I found out about Talking Matters and for a while they had a lovely woman come to see me and we would go for walks and talks. But she got a better job and she was the only home visitor they employed. If I could make it to their offices I am sure they would help as they only work from their office. It is only a few hundred metres away but it is right on the busy main shopping street and it may as well be a million miles away.

As to the GP. How can they help in the interview part of it? At the moment I am on a minimum sickness allowance which they lowered as my gf was earning above a certain threshold.

I am receiving a sickness benefit though, so will that help make things easier?

I keep hearing horror stories about people dying or getting really ill as the govt. cuts off their sickness benefits even though they are seriously ill. It is all hitting me at once and right now the only thing stopping me drinking a few bottles of whiskey and ending it is my beautiful children.

The thought of not seeing them every day anymore is terrible, but never being able to see them at all if I kill myself is even worse.

I am trying CBD oil at the moment on top of my Paroxetine but have only just started it a day or so ago. I am really hoping it helps.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
There are some really effective medications for panic/anxiety disorder.

Right after we moved here, some neighbors triggered my PTSD. They scared the holy hell out of me and my body stayed on the ground but the rest of me was hanging by my fingertips from a high ceiling. I didn't just startle, I froze. and I shook. and then I was afraid to go out. and it got worse and worse. I would sit on the couch and have panic attacks thinking the door might open.

And I used to be a gad-about. Always ready to go for an adventure!

My husband was smart enough not to push me.

Then, the only place I would go was to mental health appmts after I dumped the one that rubbed me the wrong way. Slowly, very slowly..there were places I liked to go. The outdoor section when flowers were on sale. Then, restaurants...I love to eat out! I love a car ride with hubby..that is when we have our most interesting conversations, something about rolling down the road in our big sturdy car makes me chatty. I couldn't go out in our little yard because the neighbor lady would approach me to visit. They have all figured out now to stay away from their eccentric neighbor. But I still feel watched and likely am. So I am still not comfortable in my yard. Before I had always lived rural with no neighbors in sight...and spent a good part of my day outdoors.

My therapist was always trying to get me to make a deal to do something with David. To compromise..go to a movie with him, he likes movies. I do not and I will not. I would be miserable.

I told her that the only people I liked was her and David. She would joke with me about there are 7 billion people and I can't like any of them?

On the ride home I would tell David that the only place I thought I would like to be was in a college class. I love academics. But I had to wait to get old enough to get cheap tuition.

And this year, I did it. I signed up for a class. David walked me to class and picked me up at the door when it was over. After awhile, she invited him to join the class. So he sat with me. But I was in my element. I was lucky to be in a small class with a sensitive prof. I thrived.

we are on summer vacation now and it is making me depressed. I signed up for another class with the same prof to start in August. And I plan to sign up every semester.

One time I went into the grocery store with him.

It's crazy how I went from fearless to unbearable. And it is taking me years to make these small steps. I lost such a big part of myself. But I am fairly content now. I think maybe over the summer, I will try some more things and try to go help with some shopping, so I am less a burden. But really all I want to do is go for some awesome car rides in the nearby mountains and eat out.

But I haven't had a panic in ages. So, I am saying it surely can get better.
 
S

stuartm

Member
Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Northumberland
Thank you for sharing your experience with me, tiltawhirl.

I totally empathise when you said you ".. less of a burden" as that is exactly how I see myself. I refer to myself as the "big nothing" now and then without thinking, so it shows that I feel that deeply inside.

Your husband sounds amazing in his support and approach to it and having him as a hubby and best friend is even better.
 
S

stuartm

Member
Joined
May 19, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Northumberland
There are some really effective medications for panic/anxiety disorder.
I am currently on Paroxetine- which I think is called Paxil in the US - and have just started taking a few drops of CBD oil under my tongue. It seems to be genuinely helping which feels good.

I am interested in knowing which ones you refer to and which ones you have had success/good experience with.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
These drugs have different names in the UK but I don't know what they are.
#1 for panic....Xanax is the big winner. If you start to panic, dissolve one under your tongue (hot tea helps) and within minutes it works. Or take it ahead of a situation you know you will be uneasy about. I don't think UK drs prescribe xanax? Someone help me out here!

The class of drugs you want are called benzodiazopines (sp?)

The one most readily prescribed in the UK is valium. It lacks that magic effect against panic but is better than nothing.

#2 & 3 Ativan. seems to be the popular one now to replace xanax. I have never taken it but it does work from what I have seen in others.
Klonopin. What I am taking now. It doesn't have that focused effect on panic either but it helps with general anxiety. I switched to it because I could feel I was getting addicted to the xanax. The downside is that it will make you tired.

Xanax is by far the best one. It has a 3 part chemical construction that sets it apart from the others. It is fast and effective. The others have a 2 part chemical structure and lacks the powerful effect that xanax has. It is the most addicting but drs here will prescribe it if they see a real problem with panic/anxiety. They may try others first.

I hope this helps.
 
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