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Sad banana

H

hairybanana

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Aug 18, 2021
Messages
3,640
Location
Australia
I have a massive week ahead and not a lot of motivation to deal with it. Struggling with anxiety a bit. Keeps coming in these chest tightening waves. There is too much on my plate and its all spilling over the edge and splattering on the floor. I just can’t keep up. I can not wait to get this week behind me so I can just hit that reset button again. I need down time. I need rest. I need time to sit and process things. I don’t have time to do that right now. But I need to because it’s just going to infect everything otherwise.

trying to psyche myself up to have a shower since I have to go and buy a new god damned printer today. Ugh. Two of my least favourite things: Showering and shopping.

I haven’t said anything but have been having to fight off thoughts of SI the past few days. I’m ok, not going to slip up, it’s just not pleasant. It’s a battle.

Something came back to me last night, memories, not pleasant ones. Painful ones. Fucked up ones. Its on my mind. It’s playing over and over. I know i need to sit with this and process it, but that’s difficult when you have a 4yo hanging off you. When I do get time to myself I’m too tired to even think straight and just want to zone out on the couch and watch a show and smoke some weed.

so much fucked up shit from the past that I need to deal with. The depths that it all goes back to is just… I don’t honestly know if some of these things can even be fixed. I don’t believe they can be. A very damaged human being. Very broken. Very much needing to go and be alone and deal with this so it doesn’t keep playing over and over. Ugh. I can’t even believe sometimes how incredibly fucked up I am. Comes as a shock sometimes.

ugh.Feeling sick like i wanna spew. The last thing i need is to spend the week with my head in the toilet. Ok so maybe i should deal with this shit then. Because that’s probably why you go spewing your guts up when memories like this surface, because you don’t deal with it. Smother it in alcohol and erase it with weed.Ugh. I get sick of having to cope all the time.

i don’t feel well. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like functioning or powering through anything. This fucking list of things i need to do is a mile long and all i want to do is go curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself.

There’s anger sitting in my chest, a lot of anger. A bit of shock. But I am grateful for the memories coming back to me as every one is a piece of the puzzle and helps me to understand why I am the way I am. Because I can’t change things that I’m not aware of. I can’t face things if I don’t know where they’re coming from.

i don’t lnow if any of this makes much sense. It probably doesnt. I want to write what’s in my head but I won’t because graphic and all that. I will talk about it in therapy whenever I next get in for that. Couple of weeks away I think. Just needed to vent and get the thoughts out.

I really want to go get into bed and cry for a while. I feel sadness in there, with the anger, but it’s all just sitting in there. Not showing it. I don’t think I could cry, but it feels that way on the inside. Probably the shock that’s putting all those road blocks in place.

am a bit overwhelmed by it all right now. Life has not been kind to me. Feeling sad for little banana man today.
 
wednesday addams

wednesday addams

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Joined
Aug 20, 2021
Messages
404
Location
USA
Hi, do you take meds? I'm so very sorry it sounds like a lot going on for you. You will get through this, you can be strong.🤗
 
H

hairybanana

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Aug 18, 2021
Messages
3,640
Location
Australia
Hi, do you take meds? I'm so very sorry it sounds like a lot going on for you. You will get through this, you can be strong.🤗
Hi @wednesday addams how are you going? Yeah I take medication, it needs a tweak though. I will get through it, yes, I haven’t lost sight of things and have no plans for an exit strategy. I’m still thinking clear enough so that’s something. It’s just a shitty time. Yet again. After this week I’ll start winding down with work. I can’t take the mental pressure of it all this time of year. I can’t seem to juggle work responsibilities with life very well. Mind you being busy with work is keeping my mind focused and not wandering too far ahead. I’ve got christmas alarms going off in my head which I don’t want to think about at all. Just so much on my mind and it’s all stressful and coming to a head. I’m getting a bit panicky about xmas. Thats probably a big part of the anxiety I’ve got underlying everything actually.

I’ve been out with my son today and managed to get a new printer that will hopefully be less of a dick than my old one. Being out has been good, keeps me distracted. Now that I’m home my brains gone straight to “hey lets play those fun memories from last night over and over again”. Ugh. Fucking c*** of a brain it is.
 
W

WillowRN

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2021
Messages
6
Location
Midlands
Sending you all the hugs and love that you can take 😁 uno what? good on you and very well done and I will say that I am proud of you even though I don't know u that your are able to come on here and voice what you are feeling it's not an easy thing whether you know the people or not so very well done... I am sorry that you feel about yourself that way but uno what that's ok... We feel how we feel and nobody can tell us any different.. just know that no matter how you feel there is people that genuinely love u even if u can't see it right away and it's great that u are getting a form of help even if it is not as often as u would like.. just know I have been through things that you wouldn't wish on anyone aswel and yes even as time goes by they will never fully leave but we can cope with the memory better and it won't affect us the same as what it used to but this does take time and help... Life is not always easy and again when we feel crap and shit sometimes we don't get the chance to properly process but that time will come eventually... Just know that the fact your are here the fact that u can say this now that fact u have a little star that looks up to u is amazing and u are doing the best u can and that is all anyone can ask of u and no Shane in asking for help and you are amazing xx
 
H

hairybanana

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Aug 18, 2021
Messages
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Location
Australia
Mood is not good. Dropping. Getting into bed is apparently triggering for me right now. Which is fantastic. Excellent. Im so tired. Sad. Anxious. I want to just sleep through it. Anxiety is sitting i ln my chest and it’s making my heart race. I feel panicked. Alert. Exhausted but alert. Stoned but alert. Always alert.
And its playing and playing on ver and over in my head. It stopped today, getting into bed it starts again.
ireslly need to talk about it and counting down to therapy.
 
I

invisible man

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Feb 5, 2020
Messages
92
Location
Wales
hope you’re back to your usual self soon @hairybanana it’s good that your having therapy soon. I try this breathing method by Wim Hof when my anxiety is really bad which helps sometimes.

 
H

hairybanana

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Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
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Location
Australia
hope you’re back to your usual self soon @hairybanana it’s good that your having therapy soon. I try this breathing method by Wim Hof when my anxiety is really bad which helps sometimes.

Thanks mate, yeah counting down to therapy. It’s been a while. A really long time actually. Ah the joy of the never ending process of healing. It never ends.
 
I

invisible man

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Feb 5, 2020
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Wales
Best of luck with it. Feel your pain dude 😩 Mh issues have literally dictated my whole life so far 😴
 
I

invisible man

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Feb 5, 2020
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Sounds about right.. 😣 I’m not so bad just been a funny couple weeks how you getting on ?
 
H

hairybanana

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Aug 18, 2021
Messages
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Location
Australia
Sounds about right.. 😣 I’m not so bad just been a funny couple weeks how you getting on ?
Funny eh? Doesn’t sound fun. Glad you’re not doing too bad though 👍

Very busy time of year for me here so just trying to cope with that and keep myself from getting too low. Not long been out of Hospital so yeah, trying to do better. Things are a bit rough atm tbh
 
I

invisible man

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Feb 5, 2020
Messages
92
Location
Wales
Sorry that things haven’t been great of late. Try to take it one day at a time. Wish I could offer better advice. It’s good that you’ll be keeping busy but if you’re pretty flat out make sure you fit in some me time as well 👍🏼
 
H

hairybanana

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Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
3,640
Location
Australia
Sorry that things haven’t been great of late. Try to take it one day at a time. Wish I could offer better advice. It’s good that you’ll be keeping busy but if you’re pretty flat out make sure you fit in some me time as well 👍🏼
Yes non stop busy is the way to go 👍 cause im too exhausted to think straight now
 
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