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Running out of ways to deal with grief

M

Music Always

New member
Joined
Oct 27, 2019
Messages
1
Location
England
Hi, this is all new to me, I'm 33 and I've started self harming for the first time in my life and I can't shake the suicidal thoughts, my Grandma recently and very suddenly died, she was the last real link to my Mum who died coming up to 12 years ago and my Grandad 6 years ago, I feel like everyone I grew up with and love is dying, I'm still here for two people but my friends wouldn't understand neither would my Dad, all this life is cruel that doesn't really help at all. I already see a counseller. I just don't want to admit this to people, I'm already fed up of the pity looks. I'm so angry all the time. I guess I just want some advice.

Thanks
 
JuliaW54

JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
140
Location
UK
Sending hugs. Keep talking to your counsellor
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
6,863
Location
Nowhere
n yeah I have felt like this for 35 years actually
because of something I did not recover from

just recently I found I could feel some of the pain
without running away from it

most people do not grieve for this long

keep posting

:hug5: ✨
 
T

TazBurrfoot

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2019
Messages
79
Location
California
I'm not sure if this is going to help but I struggle with grief and loneliness. My go tos are cold diet coke and rolling tobacco (not vaping which I hate and box cigarettes because they are expensive and too harsh). But as time passes I'm afraid this is not going to help. Going to Church helps and having religion in my life and painfully knowing places like Latin America have real world problems where I have problems in my head help. I'm sorry about that last part but it gives me perspective to know I at least have a home, food, supportive parents and a sometimes supportive sister.
 
T

TazBurrfoot

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2019
Messages
79
Location
California
Well, I'll write more.

I attempted suicide recently, please moderators step in if this is not appropriate, and it's not an easy act. It's not like they show in movies. I was under an episode of persecution where high could hear people in their twenties saying "you're dead," "your foresaken," "your going to hell." Over and over again, very malicious voices.

And I couldn't take it anymore and I decided I wanted to see where I stood with God by ending my life. I don't believe in gun ownship, so first off I recommend no fire arms ever around you. The rate of suicide in the US is very high and I would partly blame the availability of fire arms. So i was going to kill myself another way but couldn't manage it. Of course, my parents are asleep at this time.

In my head I heard a nice reassuring voice of a man say, "this is a violent act your are not capable of violent acts." That is true I've never desired nor would ever physically hurt anyone.

So, i tried another way. My parents are asleep, but I figured I pulled it off. I through up bit, created a fever and slept the night expecting to pass away. The next morning I through up and my parents took me to the emergency room. They put me on a 72 hour hold and after IVs they said there would be no long term damage.

My parents handle everything with grace but I would never do that again. My sister scolded me but she has a more aggressive attitude. I think about that voice that said I was not capable of violent acts and I thank it.

I just wouldn't do it again. The way I handle things now, I see things more religiously with the idea that most of the World including the West is suffering right now and I'm in good company. So, if life means simply being there for my parents who would be despondent about my death. And if life means simply enjoying a cold fountain soda of diet coke that is 75 cents and rolling tobacco with the occasional reaching out to other people than that is life.

So, in a way I treat it like a soldier, never having served in the military, it is my duty to appreciate God's gift of life and stand guard over my elderly parents knowing there is deeper suffering out there in Asia, Africa, Latin America, the Indegnious people. Knowing there have been holocausts and genocides in history and there are some going on right now. Knowing the people I love the most are suffering the most than so be it this is life.

So, no firearms no knives. Talk to your psychologist. Stay there for the people that love you. Know the world is in a bad spot and everyone is going through it. Just stay alive an appreciate the little things, the everyday morning sunrise and the evenings. KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE. But no don't do it, never do it. Stay with there. See it like a soldier. There will be good days and there will be bad days, but those good days will outway the bad.

In many ways we Americans talk about the Greatest Generation which was the World War II Generation. What gave birth to them was the Great Depression Generation who for the sake of discussion I will write the Silent generation. I write that because I wish there was more information about them from their own words. I wish they wrote volumes and volumes of books about how to cope during adversity and harsh circumstances. I imagine most coped like I do with a little religious Faith, something to drink, some cheap tobacco and stood as sentinels over their family not expecting much from life.

So, don't drink, no firearms, no knives. Talk to your psychologist. Stay there, keep posting it's those little discussions with people in a chat room or on a board that help a lot.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
D

Darlene_MR

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Spain
First fo all, you need to tell your therapist that you are harming yourself.
Second, I perfectly understand you. My grandma passed away 6 months ago and my other grandma one year and a half ago, exactly one day before my birthday. I spend my birthday in the mortuary. More things happened this year like hearing loss, my father got divorced, tinnitus and my grades are really low. Nonetheless, I can't stop thinking about my grandma, I feel like I can't move past that. I couldn't say goodbye because I am living abroad, I took a plane the next day my mother told me she was sick, but I couldn't make it on time and she died 10 hours before I landed. I understand you, I understand that grandmothers are like second mothers, that their love is wider than life. I am trying to remember myself that at least I was really lucky to have her, to have them both. I try to remember the good moments we lived together but It is hard.
Please take care of your mental health!
 
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