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rumination

M

msrx5sw2

Member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
17
one of the most prominent characteristics of my depression is the rumination, which hounds me 24 hours a day.

i ruminate constantly about the same things, and its extremely difficult for me to stop the severity of the thoughts which haunt me.

Firstly, I ruminate about a guy I went out with over a year ago. I can't get him out of my head, despite the fact that I never went past the second date with him! I wake up every morning, heart racing, with images of him racing through my mind! i think about him throughout the day, and mull over every little thing that was said between us.

secondly, I ruminate over bad things that have happened to me in the past, little things, such as a bad remark from a kid at school or a dirty look a person may have given me in the supermarket. i go over and over these miserable things, which make me feel even more miserable. I tell myself that I am a terrible or inadequate person for having such things happen to me. i beat myself up considerably. i tell myself that im ugly, unattractive, unintelligent, incompetant, worthless.

when i lived at home, i used to rely 100% on my mother's support and love to overcome my low self-esteem. i used to rely on her confidence in me, and her encouragment. so much so, that now, without her, i cant find anything inside me, no backbone as it were, to lean on. i feel unloved. i feel incapable of loving myself and incapable of being loved.

apart from the guy i already spoke about, i have never had a boyfriend. one reason for this is because of religious reasons, being raised in a muslim country until i was 17 had a great impact on me emotionally. now, at 22, i feel like a complete loser, for not having experienced a relationship with anyone. i wouldnt say i was an ugly or uncaring person. i need someone who will support me, tell me that i am not all the the things that my ruminations are telling me.

a possibility is that perhaps the fact i have these ruminations is an indicator that i am in fact unloved?? maybe my body is calling me to go out and find someone!

thirdly, i have ruminations about my faith and identity. 'who am i'?, ' what am i'? go around and around my head from morning until night. as already mentioned, i was raised a muslim, which did consist of my main identity throughout my life. I went to a primary school on a council estate in which i was the only muslim. it had profound implications for my self-worth as i always felt like the outsider. the fact that i was 'different' stuck with me until my adulthood. and i have never really been able to fit in in british society. the thing is, the fact that i am english means that i dont really fit in with the arab muslims either! im finding it hard to keep my faith and have so many doubts about it. when i went to university 2 years ago, my faith was tested significantly. it got the point where i felt as though i was completely alone in the world. as my self esteem relied so much on my faith and muslim identity. one of the main reasons for my choice to desert the faith was because of terrible things that happened to my mother, at the hands of muslim men she married. i didnt want to repeat my mom's mistakes. my family had also deserted the faith completely once i'd gone to university.
there was one night, i was in bed, and i felt as though my whole heart left me, as though something inside my heart lifted its way out of my body. my heart then felt like a deflated football. i wish i could explain this in more detail, for it had such a major impact on me, i remember lying in bed feeling as though my body was on air.

it was not long after this, that i had a complete nervous breakdown. i remember walking into a lecture, sitting down and feeling my heart clenched in my chest, it felt as though it was breaking into pieces there and then.

i havent been okay since. i have been incredibly ill since June last year. my head feels as though its decayed, i have no emotions in my head. i cant feel emotions in my heart. i only feel misery. and as i said, the ruminations. the bad thoughts which haunt me. the thoughts of, 'you're not good enough', ' noone likes you', ' your personality stinks', ' you're not good at anything', 'you scare people off', ' you're a complete loser'.

will i ever re-gain my self esteem?

I am on a year off from uni at the moment, living with my chronically mentally ill father. i have very few friends at home. reason being, I spent so much of my life in another country, ( i returned to england at 17 years old) i therefore, dont have the social skills to mix with normal english people. i stay at home most days, sleeping. my doctor has told me to regulate my sleeping patterns, to sleep at 10 and wake at 8 instead of sleeping at 2am and waking at 12pm. this is taking time. i find it very hard to sleep at the right times. the thought of going to uni is daunting. i have a place to return to in september, a place which i just dont feel like taking. i know that its the only way for me to make anything of myself in life.

im in a complete state, and just wish there was a way out!

thanks for listening
 
Libra1

Libra1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
515
Location
West Midlands
Hello and :welcome:

I am glad you have found this site, I am also a newbie :)

msr - I'm sorry you are not so well at the moment you have definately come to the right place to vent and find help/support and friendship. I have much in common with you.

I do understand and often experience how you are feeling and just cannot do anything to help lift my mood. I do feel lucky now tho' that I do have 2 teenagers and a husband at home - altho' they do not always know how to help me. You say you are under the care of your Gp and taking antid's, it is important you keep taking them. Has your Gp recommended any councilling or access to a CPN for help and support, if he has not could you ask next time you see him to refer you to Community Mental Health Team? Could you suggest to him you really need help NOW as your intention is to return to Uni later this year?

msr - it is important to look at your sleep hygiene and try to regulate that pattern. Equally important is diet. I expect your appetite is either not very good, or you snack a lot? Try and start each day as a new begining and set yourself one easy achievable task for that day. Eg be washed and dressed midday :) Try and get out of the flat each day even if you only walk to the bottom of your road.
Would it be possible for you to get a kitten, to focus on caring for something? I do understand you are probably caring for your father etc, a little kitten would give you so much love and fun.
Hope you will give some thought to my suggestions?

I am sending you a hug :grouphug:and hope that your sleep will be restful tonight. Do post again tommorow and let us know how you are doing then.

Please be kind to yourself :tea: and I will look out for your post tommorow.

Goodnight
x
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Hi M - Libra is right when she says that sleep hygiene is really important. If you can keep to a routine your body and brain will get used to it and, even if you don't sleep a lot, if you can lie still and quiet you will get rest. It's also important to get a daily routine - regular meal times (which I have never got into the habit of doing), maybe going out to buy a paper or a visit to the library on a regular basis.

You do spend a lot of time thinking and I think you need some help in changing that thinking. Talk to your GP of other ways of helping yourself and keep taking the medication. If you can read, there are some books recommended in the Book Store section on here.

Your post is very long and there is a lot of stuff in it. Too much to tackle all at once. Perhaps if you could get some help in deciding what would be the best place to start and just concentrate on improving that one area of your life. I've found often that once I change one thing other things just seem to fall in to better spaces and make them easier to tackle.

Good luck, and keep coming back - we need you here. :hug:
 
singingdollydaydream

singingdollydaydream

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 28, 2008
Messages
156
Location
horley
Ruminating

Hi, a little suggestion which helps to keep mind busy. Jigsaw puzzles are a great distraction beacause you are focussing on looking for a particular piece so unwelcome thoughts are lessened.
You can choose difficulty of puzzle, I do kids ones, and do a little or a lot.
Best place to get them is charity shop or car boot cos they`re expensive new and that might give you some motivation to go out.
Not everyone`s cup of tea but my sister swears by them and feels lost if she hasn`t got one on the go. There is also the satisfaction of completing them however long it takes. (y)
 
M

msrx5sw2

Member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
17
hi there,
thanks for all the support....

i spoke to a psychiatrist yesterday, and was told that taking a long walk everyday should be of some benefit, as well as eating well and keeping good sleep hygene.

i woke up today with a terrible headache, as with most days..it usually wears off as the day progesses...
:grouphug:
hopefully things should look up soon


thanks
:)
 
midnight

midnight

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Joined
Dec 24, 2007
Messages
219
Location
cumbria
yeh well done you

getting some gentle exercise out in the fresh air is amazing to straigthen things out as is the rewards of feeling good after making and eating healthy food

good luck with the new regime let us know how it goes
 
Libra1

Libra1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
515
Location
West Midlands
Hi Msr, your psych and I have some things in common!:cool:

Is a little walk on your agenda for tommorow? even down to the end of your road will be a benefit :) You sound brighter today.

Will look out for your update, take care and come and post ok? :grouphug:
 
J

jooblue

Guest
Confusion

Hi there,

Some positive things within what you are saying, include the fact you can identify things that have happened, and things that you currently feel which are contributing to your state of mind. That at least gives people like your psychiatrist something to work on so that's good.

I am guessing we are about the same age - I went to Uni and dropped out because I didn't want to be there and couldn't really handle it. I also went through a really troubled few years where i felt i didn's know my identity anymore. I was brought up Catholic, and still have the faith (even if I am severely lapsed) but it's not something many other people relate to. I don't know if it's the same for you, but the realisation that whether you have faith or not suddenly you're an adult and have to deal with the big bad world really unsettled me. Maybe that's just me though. I guess what i am trying to say is, it's not too unusual to have a crisis of identity, so don't let that in itself worry you. Just focus on getting through it.

I agree with the already-mentioned suggestions - try to get out of the house at least once a day and work hard to get into a good sleeping/eating routing. Much easier said than done but worthwhile.

Jigsaws is a great idea, i might use that one myself actually when i'm in a muddle of thoughts! I must be the only grown up who can still be found buying Disney colouring-in books for the same reason! :redface:

Anyway be nice to yourself first and foremost. Keep coming back here :grouphug:
 
singingdollydaydream

singingdollydaydream

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Founding Member
Joined
Feb 28, 2008
Messages
156
Location
horley
I love colouring too!
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I can't do colouring because I shake too much and can't keep to the lines. Two year olds do better than me... :rolleyes:
 
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