New member
Jan 16, 2019
Today I learned a new word for one of my favorite self harm methods. Rumination. Circled thoughts or conversations that loop and loop to be endlessly analyzed. I could have done this. I shouldn't have said that. I think my brain is a little broken in that it can't let those negative moments go. I'm still going over embarrassing things I said or did when I was 10 years old. No forgiveness for ignorance. The world doesn't forgive you when your ignorance is put on display. And if they do, it's just out of politeness or necessity. They don't mean it and they won't soon forget it. I cringe when I visualize my past self, any triumphs forgotten or remembered in hazy detail but my flaws and missteps so powerful and vivid that I might as well be reliving those moments. I'm not sure what made me so critical of myself. So insecure. I sometimes believe it's because I'm so bad at everything. I make so many more mistakes than regular people. I repel people who don't have problems because they don't want to deal with mine. And they are right for that. No one knows my failures like I do. I'm not sure what, if anything, can help me recover from what might honestly just be realism about how disappointing I am.

Look at me, look at the people I'm up against, look how I don't measure up to any of the greats, look at my laziness, look at my failure, look at all these flaws. My mind's logic tells me I'm doomed to a life of mediocrity. Stuck here in the deteriorating lower middle class of America. Throwing 40+ hours a week away to a job that somehow bores me to tears and stresses me beyond my limits all at once. Too exhausted from the day's drudgery to do anything meaningful with the time I do have at home. Missing my family even when I'm with them. Unable to connect to their happiness. Owned by billionaires as part of their pliant work force. A rat in a cage of capitalism. Too addicted to material things and stability to ever step off the wheel. Lacking in any talent or resource that would give me power over my own life and schedule.

When I give myself pep talks about my past success it generally goes like this...

"I graduated Summa Cum Laude...from a nobody university in south Podunk nowhere...I was valedictorian in high school...but look how much more successful the Salutatorian and Historian are than me now...I have a job making almost $50,000 a year with all the benefits....which is nothing compared to what the more successful people in my accounting class make now...they're buying houses and I don't even have a savings account...I married a great guy who loves me...and I make him miserable with my incurable sadness and constant discontent...he'll never be strong enough to do this forever or to make up for my lacking..I'm doing a lot better than so many people. I'm so blessed...almost all of those people could have done more with what I was given than I did. What a waste I am...I can change and do better at the things that really bother me...I'm too tired to do would take more will power than I have to fix me in any significant way...So many other people are so much happier than me but are less successful, less perfect, and have less...those people have lied to themselves to be happy or are blind with ignorance, I can't unsee the truth of how inferior it all is, the disappointment I am...I DROPPED OUT OF GRADUATE SCHOOL. My job is demeaning. I should just go ahead and kill myself..."

I've never needed an enemy to tear me down. I've had a voice in my own head as long as I can remember that takes care of that.


Well-known member
Nov 11, 2013
Oh Sadness... I hear you loud and clear. Its almost as if you were writing what goes on exactly inside my mind too. Its horrendous. And it can go on for days or nights at a time. One gets a tiny little bit of hopefulness and then wham bam... it disappears with the feeling that you're a failure. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression or other mental health challenges? Have you been able to get any sort of treatment? It's hard for us here in the forum to give good advice as many of us struggle with the exact same stuff you are struggling with. You say you have a loving husband, and that may be place to start. Does he know what goes on in your head really, its hard to offer empathy if one doesn't understand. It might be a good idea to see if there is a therapist who could offer some suggestions on how to limit the ruminating from taking over your mind. The only way I can cope is to put on some positive music to sing along to (my personal choice is Jimmy Buffet) and then I feel distracted and a little bit better. Take care of yourself and let us know what you need.
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