Ruined a friendship during an episode - anyone else?

2

2fish2

Guest
#1
As posted elsewhere, I don't tick enough boxes to be bipolar but I do experience hypomania / possible cyclothymia, who knows? Usually short highs followed by long lows.

Imaginary cookies for anyone who gets to the end of this:

A couple of weeks ago, I felt as if I was suffering from fatigue and needed some time off work. I experienced heightened emotions for a couple of days and had a real high on the saturday when I spent it with my friend (let's call her Liz). I've known her for a couple of years and we've built a great friendship without benefits. She has been on meds about as long as I have following a suicide attempt.

I was awake early, achieved loads and didn't want to go home so we bought pizza and I stayed at hers later than usual. Suddenly my mood changed and I couldn't stop myself saying some inappropriate things. I know it was very awkward but I didn't seem to feel that.

The next day I emailed to apologize although still not feeling particularly bad about things. I got a polite but stern reply back with the usual "I don't see you that way", "maybe we shouldn't spend so much time together", etc.

At this point, I began to feel low as I expected after the short high but I went into overdrive and compiled a long, arrogant, pedantic reply, highlighting her text and picking it apart using dictionary definitions, etc.

Next day I hit rock bottom and didn't care if I lived or died.

She replied politely that she needed time and space to understand it.

I couldn't wait and wrote and printed a 2000 word essay, reaching back to my childhood, defending myself and pre-empting anything else she might say.

She said we needed to chat face-to-face. I went round, nothing was resolved, I was asked to leave. I also stupidly told her about the day I hit rock bottom. She then assumed that it was because of her reply and didn't want to be responsible for that. She said she needed more distance and wouldn't put a time on it.

I've felt dreadful through most of this time, sleeping only 3 hours or so each night. I woke yesterday, 2 weeks after the initial high, feeling low as usual but within 20 minutes it was as if a veil had been lifted and I felt fine. Now the events of the previous fortnight seemed like a bad dream. I could remember the details but I wouldn't describe them as vivid.

It was as if I'd been under some dome or canopy while in that state and everything seemed normal though not ideal. Now that I had come out from under it, I couldn't see back through it clearly. Now I can't believe what I said and how I acted and feel great shame but also fear of losing my best friend. I know I've caused some permanent damage.

I need for her to understand that it wasn't my true self that said those things but as I've never had such an episode, I'm sure she'll think I've researched it and made it up afterwards.

We met this morning by accident. I found myself trembling and she was visibly uncomfortable at seeing me. We exchanged a few pleasantries but when I tried to explain what I thought had happened, she practically ran away from me. I managed to say "when you're ready" but I'm not sure if it will ever happen.

So... 2 things:

Anyone want to back me up in thinking this was a mixed episode? It was new to me and with hindsight, disturbing.

Anyone been in this kind of situation? Either side. How did it turn out?


Thanks for sticking with it.
 
H

HoggiePoggie

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 24, 2017
Messages
214
Location
Scotland
#2
Hi!
First of all I don't experience hypomania or cyclothymia so I can't really know what it's like for you but still it sounds like an awful experience.
My anxiety and depressions severely effects my ability to hold my tongue and makes me prone to bursts of frustration which made it difficult to cope with conflict with others.
There have been several occasions, once was a few years ago where I fell out with my whole group however most recently I have fallen out with my ex girlfriend because I overthought some situations and became paranoid, which made me snap at her over the littlest things, we decided to stop talking to eachother for a while however am event happened which forced me to text her, we have actually made up now so things are all good.
 
2

2fish2

Guest
#3
Thanks for your reply. I also have overthinking and paranoia in my repertoire.

I'm glad that you worked things out. It's good when exes can still be friends.
 
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