- Oct 28, 2018
I'm having a rough day. The voices are confusing me or the single voice is re-enforcing the idea that I'm dumb. It might call me hypocritical but the things I hear it say are predictable reactions to what I am feeling. I'm feeling dumb today and the voice will say "honestly you are dumb but it's not a very nice thing to say" "that girl has smart feelings" "you are intelligent" but it'll say it like it doesn't really believe it. Short story I'm sick of everyone lying, I don't want to exist anymore. Even if I am a dumb dog I don't want to be slave to these powers pulling my strings. I'm so confused, I heard a voice before I met someone tell me he was going to give me telepathy. He's been in my head since. There's no way I can tell if it's him or not. I'm so confused about telepathy, I could cry. No one cares. Last people I lived with I felt were playing some mental game with me or withholding information, they make me feel shame for being innocent. It's like this whole thing is some sick way of getting me to vent my feelings. I've heard before people say that voices are all about feelings and a really intelligent and torturous way of making you realize things about yourself. I just feel useless in this world. The voice that took that mans voice, unproven whether it's him or not. That's the bitch and torture of this all. I feel like he's tapped into this device, my mind. The voice just said "there's a lot you don't know about" this is sick and it bothers no one but dumb people that it is. What's wrong with us feeling people that care about justice and don't want to be a sick game with someone else using us like a chess piece. Is that the reality of the world? Sick power struggles. Procreation, making more of this. Too many weird coincidences I'm realizing and other people are laughing at the success of their slyness, sociopaths, psychopaths. I've been their prey. Even my innocent mother indoctrinated me into a cult. I don't believe anything, I don't really care anymore. I can't be anything and I want to be nothing. I'm so confused and broken and my feelings can be laughed at, I hate everyone. The voice just said "your mind is doubt" and "no one cares about your dick" like it's trying to explain my feelings about a man. What the fuck is empathy. Us deep empaths still caring about ourselves or is it really noticing validity like a fucking computer system. I don't know what to do but I'm sick of feeling like I'm not even worthy of owning my suffering because I'm so aware if people's attitudes and how things will be recieved and I'm sick of people feeling like they have a say in what I am, like they know when they don't. They're all lying to me. I can't even try medication until January, fuck that even. Almost all the time I'm regretting and let me say the voice is speaking the same words I am along with me like it's hanging on to every word with emotion. Almost all the time I'm regretting wanting or the thought of this being gone forever. Is it all for vanity? I truly hate humans. I need help. Thanks for listening strangers, I'm distressed. Someone out there knows. Fuck all. I wanna do my head in. And the voice is hysterically laughing. Hello nightmare life.