- Jan 15, 2018
So I’m well into my recovery from anorexia and am fully weight restored (plus some which is okay). My anorexic behaviours began with the ironic and toxic “health kick” and really just spiralled from then on. I had a few health complications and my lymph system began to shut down, creating several large puss filled nodules under my armpits (one of the most painful things I’ve ever had) and through a trip to the doctor they joined the dots that I had a problem; a problem which I didn’t see was a problem. My family became much more wary of my consumption and so I decided I was really gonna be healthy this time, increasing my meals and meal sizes whilst exercising. I was dropping more weight. This time I joined the dots, I was restricting, not in quantity but in what I was eating (hello Orthorexia). I followed a raw vegan diet (unintentionally) and grew severely fearful of many foods yet again, cutting them out one by one. Shit, I wasn’t in recovery like I thought I was, my ed just found another way to disguise itself. My exercise addiction increased in severity, I would wake up hours before anyone else and do vigorous exercise, stick to my strict meals and exercise vigorously hours after everyone in my household was asleep, going well into the early morning. I was aware that this was actually a problem and found the strength and courage within myself to stop it. The problem I have right now is that this was about 10 months ago and I still struggle every single day. I have introduced many fear foods into my everyday life but still feel disgusting, guilty and ashamed of it. I know better but I cannot shake it. My therapist has given me tools to overcome this, I just don’t know how to apply them and have it work. One thing i desperately need advice with is because I feel so bad about what I am consuming when I know it is okay to do so, is how to control my binges which I subconsciously use to punish myself. They leave me feeling incredibly uncomfortable, disgusted in myself and embarrassed. I have passed out several times from these binges from the pain and I am scared that I will develop BED. I feel absolutely helpless and desperately want to exercise. I know now to be cautious around exercise as I used to overdo it, however none of my workouts leave me feeling satisfied if I can still walk or sit up properly. When I approach others for help they are incredibly confused as to why this is even an issue for me as it seems so easy to solve from the outside. I considered joining the gym to do weight training but I fear that my jealousy and competitiveness will make it a negative environment for me to surround myself in. I am extremely tired of this being an issue and desperately seek a resolve. Is there any way that I can exercise again in a healthy way where I’m not doing it for results but instead for a healthy mind and body?