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ROCD

A

Ashwin

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Ireland
My ROCD Story:

Six months ago, I met first time with my GF (she is very intelligent, honest and attractive girl and she is working in top IT company, she has dusky skin).I live in abroad and she lives in India.
I found her on matrimony website and talked with her two months then decided to meet.
I went India and met with her. The first day, I didn't found any problem but next day, when I saw her without make up my mind started these thought that she doesn't look good , I can't be with her, etc, etc. However, I didn't gave much importance to these thoughts, then later she told me her past and I was very much pissed off with that , then I went off from their and came back to my city in India which is 12 hrs far via bus. After few days later, I realized that she is very honest girl at least she told me each and everything about her past. If she want she could hide me those stuff. Then, she came back to my city to meet me then these thoughts were again come up that time I wasn't aware that I am suffering from ROCD. Because my mind was keep on running I decided that I will say her no and go back to abroad.
Since, I don't want to break her heart by saying about her past and look. I said her that my parents doesn't like you , so I can't go a head. Then, I came back to abroad.

After few days later , she rang me and said me that she is planning to travel abroad to celebrate her birthday , so she asked me to meet with her in Paris for a day. I thought she deserve that , so I said her I will come. Later, her planned cancelled because of her frnds, so she range me and said that she will come to my country where I live currently, can i meet with her?. I was in dilemma , so I said Yes and within 20 mins she book the visa application form and paid money. Once she booked the tickets and everything I can't say her no.

I thought myself that I should give her a chance, so she recently came to abroad and she stay here for two weeks . Believe me I was impressed with her caring and love that she showed to me, but behind of this my mind like:
"SHE IS NOT ATTRACTIVE" ,
"I SHOULD FIND ANOTHER GIRL" "
"DO I REALLY LOVE HER"
"WHAT IF I'M NOT HAPPY WITH HER AFTER MARRIAGE"
"SHE DOESN'T LOOK ATTRACTIVE THEN HOW CAN I BE HAPPY WITH HER AND IF I AM NOT HAPPY THEN i WILL BREAK UP WITH HER",
"I should marry with someone who is fair in colour" etc, etc.
"I got these thoughts even when I was dating with fair girl like her nose is big, her eyes are wide, her face is big , etc but that time i wasn't aware it was ROCD".


I was full of above thoughts and was not in situation to give her answer whether I want to marry her not , then I decided to invite my aunt to my house so that she came see her and let me know what should I do. My aunt met with her and second day my aunt take her outside of house n chat with her and their came home and suddenly my aunt said that she is very caring and understandable girl, and I should marry with her. I decided that okay better I get marry with her may be God also want this.Elders never suggest bad decision for us, so, I said to my aunt that I am getting these thoughts , so my aunt told me that yes she is dusky but she is attractive and most important thing I should see that she is very caring, understanble and she stand with me even I have OCD and ROCD she said give less importance to face/fairness because face will fade by time, so i thought whatever my aunt said it's 100 true and decided to get marry with her that time and i told my GF that i will marry . Once I told her after 30 mins later my mind again started the above thoughts continuous 6 hours, that time I break down in front of her and started crying and told her to leave me because I am helpless and I can't marry with her because of my below thoughts.Then,next day I google my symptoms and found that I am suffering with ROCD.


I told her everything that I am getting thoughts like:
"You are ugly"
"You are not atrractive"
"I should find another partner"
"What if i don't happy with you",
"Do i love you "etc, etc.

Next day, I said her that 4 years ago I was suffering from OCD and now with ROCD. She told me that she don't care if I have OCD or ROCD she will stand with me in each and every situation of life. The moment she told me these words I got so emotional I felt fall in love ,then I said first time to her I LOVE YOU. I put my self in her situation and thought If i was in her place do I take this relationship further the answer was NO, who is going to live with a partner who have these type of thoughts and who don't know whether he loves me or not and in future He is going to stay with me or not.


She used to make me breakfast before i go to work , she hold my hand every time , she take care of me as a kid(Basically she is very caring person).


Now, the problem is she went back to India and now my mind still running like anything she want to marry me and my parents are also telling me that don't break someone heart because it's not good. I know she is very good person just her dusky skin without make up keep on bringing these stuff in to my mind.


Sometimes, I think that if i break her heart do I will be happy in life?
Life is so short and in this life If i give smile on someone face that is Good deed.



Please let me know what do you think I should do? . Initially, this is one side love story now I have feeling on her but more important is I don't like to break her heart because she loves me very much , she came abroad to meet me and she knows that I have ROCD still she want to marry me .

Any suggestion would be appreciated.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,128
Location
Nowhere
no definitely dont marry someone to do them a favour !
you have to spend your whole life with this person
better break her heart now
rather than after marriage
 
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