• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Rocd storm unlike anything I've ever experienced..please help

C

Casestudy

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Arizona
I Have had OCD since 1993, I was a lonely guy 4 years ago having had 3 relationships end with women cheating on me. I wanted to be in a relationship, I thought that would make me happy. Got a book on how to date and understand women and relationships. I used what I learned and ended up connecting with a girl I knew since high school.

Problem was she was married with a child. We got to chatting and it just kept progressing and progressing, several times I ended conversation with her because it just kept going further and further. Neither one of us could stay out of communication for very long. One night she told me her husband had been seeking sexual encounters with men on craigslist and she had caught him and he was also deep into gay porn.

This unfortunately was a green light for me to really press forward seeming it was justifiable on her end to end her marriage with him. Man I have massive anxiety just typing this, but things progressed, plans were made and next thing I know she files for divorce and moves her and her daughter in with me. I was shocked to be in this situation so quickly buy I definitely asked for it.

As she went through her divorce living with me, I watched her now ex-husband try and try and try to get back with her while she was now with me. I was in such fear she would leave I was going through her phone and watching her like a hawk. She suffered too as a family was broken apart and to this day I feel bad. I was terrified she was going to leave so i broke up with her and said you need to move back out. She did and back with her ex she went. That relationship was not done and both sides were grieving and the divorce was not final, they were talking on Facebook all day long. However we stayed in contact.

We decided to give it a go again so she moves back in and the same thing happens. I’m seeing signs things are still not done between them and bam I break up again and have her move out.

She moves in with a friend this time and we still stay in contact, but I’m Leary of her, she Keeps telling me she is done with him, but her actions do not line up with what I’m seeing, but I try again, we move back in together and again it fails, I cannot get comfortable with her ex chasing her and her not actions do not look like it’s over to me. She ends up purchasing her own house and moves out and wants me to join her. I choose to stay put.

after this i Broke up with her again, I don’t remember why but the same pattern formed, we stayed in contact. After patching This one up, I saw a new friend on her Facebook and I knew it was something abnormal for her, I questioned her about it and she removed him and said it was an old friend, I knew better than to let it go so I questioned more and she ended up coming clean saying she met this guy on Tinder.

she was online dating immediately after these break ups. i Said you lied to me and how can you be online dating days after we broke up? It was the furthest thing from my mind but top priority for her. We have been Though 30 breakups and except for the first five she has immediately turned to online dating and began to go on dates with other men.

I am still with her we have made it almost 1 1/2 years without a break up. I’m in a whirlwind of OCD thoughts and rumination. I have taken my mental health seriously and have been in therapy dealing with this for a few years, namely Exposure response prevention therapy. Unfortunately they have pulled me off some benzodiazepines I have been on since 1993 and I’m on a taper and struggling very hard on it. I also just started a new antidepressant.

So now I feel like I can’t continue with her yet again, i feel like if she can date immediately after the breakups then how easily replaceable am I to her?

I am obsessed with her dating other men, I have a jealousy that goes into the future… the next guy will get to enjoy all the sex with her. I think of how much enjoyment he will have. The thought of another man having sex with her eats me up.

So I am tortured with thoughts of her with a future partner, I don’t feel like I can be the man she wants because I’m going through benzo withdrawal, I don’t know if I can handle family life with her and her child. I have one foot in and one foot out at all times it seems. I have been struggling with this for years. To see her pick up and date so quickly really cemented a new obsession of another man enjoying sex with her.

She is a good person despite all of this, she is supportive and knows I have OCD and knows what it’s about, she knows it hurt me deeply to see that happen time and time again. She wants to be my forever girl she says laying in my arms and grow old together. I don’t want to break her heart again and throw away something that could be good if I just stop obsessing over it. Or maybe I need to just learn to let go. It’s been a train wreck. I do love her and I’m scared of being alone and know she is too.


if you have any comments or suggestions at all… I’d love to hear them

If you have ideas or on how to stop ruminating or obsessing with her with other men, or exposure response prevention ideas I would love to hear them too
 
M

Mercboy6112

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Halifax
I feel your pain - This is my current theme - I ve had pretty much all of them
 
L

lucyb

Member
Joined
Nov 10, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Spain
Hi case, i think you should do therapy together! somethings we are not able to solve by our own head! I'm strugling with ROCD too but in my case i'm allways thinking that i'm the one who is about to cheat on... I now how sad and destructive it can be!

wish you lots of hope and happiness!
 
C

Casestudy

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Arizona
Hi case, i think you should do therapy together! somethings we are not able to solve by our own head! I'm strugling with ROCD too but in my case i'm allways thinking that i'm the one who is about to cheat on... I now how sad and destructive it can be!

wish you lots of hope and happiness!
That is definitely an option, currently in ERP for this one. The therapist currently says the core fear isn't necessarily another man sleeping with my current girlfriend post break up and all the terrible thoughts that come with that, but one of being alone, not feeling man enough, never finding another, and that I lost the battle and someone else stole the prize.so im exposing myself to those ideas. It's a horrible thought to think of your ex with another to begin with let alone have it become a full blown obsession. I hear your theme and it reminds me if my harm/responsibility days and I know its awful. Thank you for reading and your input.
 
Top