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ROCD or intuition?

F

Fluxus

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hi. I have experienced issues relating to this since my first relationship when I was 16. I am almost 23 now and I have been in 3 relationships since my first. The third I am currently still in. I'll try to explain as best I can because I'm very anxious right now.
When I was with my first boyfriend, I had an experience involving weed where I passed out while smoking and after that something had changed in me. I researched this and believed it to be depersonalisation disorder, but aside from that it's when the relationship doubts started. I spent around 5-6 months with the first boyfriend constantly feeling uneasy. I felt like I wanted to break up but didn't know why. He kept assuring me that we would be okay and get through this together. But eventually I couldn't take it anymore and when he went to Essex I finally gained the courage to end things. It took me about a week to recover, but I thought about him every day for about a year and a half after. When I got to university, I met someone who I would categorise as "love of my life" type person. I barely remember exactly what our relationship was like, I just remember feeling so in love and I didn't have the doubts anymore. I thought "yes, perfect! I just had to wait for the right person and now I don't have to worry anymore". I decided to leave university a year in, and I had an urge to move back home to work and make money so I could come back and move in with the boyfriend (that was the plan). The second I got back home I felt uneasy. Eventually the doubts started to creep in again after one day I had a thought like "well, atleast I've got that for my next relationship", which COMPLETELY spazzed me out. I started going downhill and when he came to visit me I was in a bad way and I broke up with him. I didn't know why, I was completely overwhelmed by anxiety. That one stuck with me for a long time, I sunk into depression, more so for the fact that I thought I was okay and then these doubts came back into my life. I continued to struggle and eventually dated someone for 8 months, but on paper we clearly were not well suited. He didn't like to talk a lot, I did. He didn't like to share his thoughts, I did. He was younger and had a lot of interests different to mine. And I also never got that "in love" feeling. I struggled with my doubts the whole time, but reminded myself that I had some issues and I needed to calmly move past them and not let them rule my life like they have for so long. Eventually we broke up because he said he wanted to move away in 6 months and wanted me to come with him. I wasn't sure I wanted to to begin with, and it meant I would have to get my life together in 6 months. Find a career I wanted, learn how to drive, lots of things. He said to me "6 months is a long time, we can decide then" and I realised that was NOT how I felt at all. We broke up and I was sad for myself but relieved in a way. I said to myself before, during and after this relationship that if it ended like the others then that was it, I was done. No more love and relationships no matter how much I wanted it. A couple months later I met someone, I could feel myself pushing those feelings away. Terrified because I told myself I wouldn't get into anything with someone again. But he made me feel things. In my heart. I wanted to try again. I felt I deserved some happiness and at the time I felt strong enough to give love another shot. I fell for him slowly but completely. I was saying things like "I think this is the guy I'm going to marry". I hadn't felt that way since the boyfriend I fell so in love with at uni. When I said that, I felt something happen to me. Retreating in a way. The guy I'm with now I've been with for 5 months. We met one month before the coronavirus pandemic hit, and clearly we made enough of an impression on eachother to keep our relationship going through lockdown. He is from Greece, but he is so intruiging. He is sweet and romantic, kind and independent, promotes my independence, we have fun together, we are comfortable with eachother, great conversation, and I see a future with us but I worry that's because my life goal is to have a family. I have had many beautiful moments with him, and every time I see him I feel we get stronger. But when I'm at home, I start to feel uneasy. I think about small things. Like how when he says I look beautiful I don't know how to feel. I say I love him and feel it and mean it, and when he says it back to me I question it and how it makes me feel. I am back in a bad place of starting to believe my thoughts. That maybe I'm just intuitive as hell and I wasn't meant to be with any of them, including this guy. But I've done so much work on myself to recognise patterns of self-sabotage. I want so badly for people to remind me that if nothing is physically wrong with the relationship, then maybe I am just getting worked up over small things because of my problems with intimacy. Obviously we are in a lockdown thats affected so many people's mental health, and I don't know how hard it's affecting me. I also feel sometimes that if we weren't together then I'd be okay, and I can't tell if that's wrong or not. It all reminds me of how I am with others in my life. If my best friends decided not to be in my life anymore, I don't think I'd care so much. I'm just like that. When people close to me try to hug me or be kind to me, I often recoil from it. It's different with boyfriends because I feel I can be vulnerable in that setting. But I can't tell if something is ACTUALLY telling me this isn't right or if it's just my anxiety trying to protect me from the pain I've caused myself in relationships. There's also the fact that my boyfriend has to do mandatory military service in Greece for up to 9.months, and I don't know if I can handle that. How I'm gonna feel. If I'll want to break up and see him when he's back, stick through it and know I've found a fantastic partner, am I lying to myself because something feels a little off? Is the little off feeling anxiety or legitimate feeling? I just want to stop thinking about everything and just live life and let whatever happens come and go. But I know I can't just stop thinking. I have to learn to work with myself and my thoughts, but I'm struggling so hard to know if I'm just trying to sabotage something good because I'm unwilling to feel the pain of another breakup. I know this post was a lot, and there's probably a lot more, but any advice would be really appreciated.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,922
Location
England
Hello Fluxus and welcome to the forum. It sounds to me that you may benefit from just dating rather then having relationships. You sound like once you meet somebody you think you need to feel a certain way and look to the future. You are only 23 and I think it is sad relationships have become so serious for you. Dating helps to see what kind of people we like to spend time with. You have been with your current boyfriend for 5 months and you have ideas of marriage. It is just way too soon to think of that. Do you think you may be putting yourself under pressure? There is no right or wrong way to feel. What is important is you feel happy with the person.

If you feel you struggle with intimacy or anxiety then how about trying therapy to work that out? It will teach you a lot about why you feel the way you do.
 
F

Fluxus

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hello Fluxus and welcome to the forum. It sounds to me that you may benefit from just dating rather then having relationships. You sound like once you meet somebody you think you need to feel a certain way and look to the future. You are only 23 and I think it is sad relationships have become so serious for you. Dating helps to see what kind of people we like to spend time with. You have been with your current boyfriend for 5 months and you have ideas of marriage. It is just way too soon to think of that. Do you think you may be putting yourself under pressure? There is no right or wrong way to feel. What is important is you feel happy with the person.

If you feel you struggle with intimacy or anxiety then how about trying therapy to work that out? It will teach you a lot about why you feel the way you do.
Hi bpd. I have definitely dated throughout this time Aswell, it's just I've had 3 legitimate relationships throughout that time. I've never gone searching for them, they just happened and I had to make a decision at the time whether I wanted to go forward with it. I have no idea why relationships have become such a serious focus in my life. Maybe it's because a while ago I was thinking about my goals in life and what i thought would make me happy. I came to the conclusion that I'd be happy with any job I decided to pursue out of interest, and I like the idea of working hard and getting the most out of whatever job I want, but when I thought about what would make me truly happy it would always come back to one thing: having a family. That doesn't mean I have ever been in a rush to find "the one" because I don't even believe in that concept. But the breakups that have happened for me unfortunately have been so difficult for me to accept that the concept of breaking up in the future terrifies me to the point where I think "why should I even try?". But I believe I deserve to love and be loved, so I give it a go because I am completely fine when single, but I'll look at couples and families and get that yearning in my chest for just wanting that one day. So I guess whoever I'm with I do get really anxious looking for signs that it'll work or not work instead of just enjoying the journey.
I'm very happy with him, I have moments of clarity where I realise everything is totally fine, but when my anxieties get a hold of me I get tunnel vision and can only see what I am doing wrong or what has the potential to go wrong.
 
F

Fluxus

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hello Fluxus and welcome to the forum. It sounds to me that you may benefit from just dating rather then having relationships. You sound like once you meet somebody you think you need to feel a certain way and look to the future. You are only 23 and I think it is sad relationships have become so serious for you. Dating helps to see what kind of people we like to spend time with. You have been with your current boyfriend for 5 months and you have ideas of marriage. It is just way too soon to think of that. Do you think you may be putting yourself under pressure? There is no right or wrong way to feel. What is important is you feel happy with the person.

If you feel you struggle with intimacy or anxiety then how about trying therapy to work that out? It will teach you a lot about why you feel the way you do.
Also I am in therapy, but only just started so in my opinion it's going a little bit slow but I'm trying to be patient and go with the flow of how my therapist works to benefit me most
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,922
Location
England
Do you think you may like to try therapy to discuss your anxieties? I can understand you wanting a family one day. You have plenty of time for that so please do not put any pressure on yourself. Break ups are really hard. I think it can take a long time to heal from each one.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,922
Location
England
Oh you have started therapy. Well that is great. Therapy is a long term thing so it will seem slow. Your therapist will have a plan of which method will work best for you.
 
F

Fluxus

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
UK
Oh you have started therapy. Well that is great. Therapy is a long term thing so it will seem slow. Your therapist will have a plan of which method will work best for you.
I hope so. I've been trying to help myself for years and I've been to one counsellor but that's about it. Developed a bit of a fear of medication and doctors, but I'm determined to help myself and find some calm.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,922
Location
England
You having a fear of medication and doctors is so tough as they are the very things that may help with your anxiety. You sound so strong and it is great you are determined to get help.
 
F

Fluxus

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
5
Location
UK
You having a fear of medication and doctors is so tough as they are the very things that may help with your anxiety. You sound so strong and it is great you are determined to get help.
Thankyou for your kind words. I just want to let life happen and stop focusing on all the tiny details of it all
 
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