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ROCD (I think...I hope...)

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healthandfreedom

Member
Joined
May 18, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Olympia, Washington
Hi All,

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was ten years old. Since then, I've worried about going to hell, catching AIDS from surfaces/doorknobs, being a sexual predator...the list is endless. However, in relationships, I've often suffered a specific type of OCD that really hobbles me in every other area of life.

I've been married since last August (8/10/18). We only dated 9 months before I popped the question. I believed I loved her and thought I wanted to be with her for my whole life

Earlier this month, we got into a huge fight. My wife surprised me for my birthday by taking me out to a fancy dinner in Seattle and booking a higher end hotel. I wasn't enjoying myself the entire time. It felt like I was wearing a rich person costume that didn't fit our current reality as struggling grad students. I was worried about money. This caused a giant fight because she expected me to be more receptive to her plans (and they were made with such caring intent...). So, during the fight, she said I should divorce her since that's what I want anyway. This has never been what I wanted.

But since this fight, I have been having major doubts about our relationship. I keep questioning if we jumped into marriage too fast (since we only dated 9 months). And I keep asking myself if I truly do love her, or if it was just an infatuation. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with tightness in my chest and a pit in my stomach. I'm unable to eat. Yesterday, I cried all day and had to go to the emergency room to get medications (Zoloft and Valium).

I don't want to divorce my wife. But believing that I truly love her is becoming harder and harder to do because I keep being pummeled by thoughts that I don't. I just want things to go back to the way they were before: watching Friends on the couch, making little jokes, encouraging each other through school.

I'm scared that I jumped into marriage too quickly and am now trapped. Please help.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
hello healthandfreedom. sounds like you havent given it long enough. i mean you have only been married a few months so that would amoiunt to the same thing quickly divorcing.

have you spoken to a counselor about the ocd
 
H

healthandfreedom

Member
Joined
May 18, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Olympia, Washington
Thank you for your reply, blacksmoke. My counselor is aware of my OCD and believes that I'm suffering from it in relation to the relationship. However, this OCD is trickier, I believe, because it makes me think I don't love my wife, that I've just been infatuated with her, that I should be with someone else, etc. It is exhausting to constantly compare my spouse to others I see on the street or in movies/etc. It's also exhausting to replay our relationship, examining the times I said I loved her while we were dating and assessing those times for sincerity/genuineness.

In my search for information on ROCD, I've read that the more these obsessions and compulsions of checking the relationship for its meaningfulness are performed, the less one is able to actually be in the relationship. Since OCD hates ambiguity of any kind, ending the constant search for sureness about the relationship is paramount to recovery. But that's much easier said than done.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
Gosh that sounds miserable. It sounds to me is that you truly don’t know yourself. I say this because of this thinking that you say you have regarding your wife.

A kind of double minded if you don’t mind me saying so. A devils advocate and that little voice will keep on if you don’t start to reign it in. by starting to be mentally disciplined.

Labels are all well and good but the bottom line is that you might be better off by starting to change your thinking and becoming aware of it as it happens.

you are much more oh so much more than this ocd, it is not who you are
 
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