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ROCD & HOCD are ruining my life and relationship! HELP

S

sellingpetr0l

New member
Joined
Jul 27, 2020
Messages
1
Location
South Shields
Hi everybody, I apologise for how long this is going to be but I need to get it off my chest. I have been struggling since the beginning of lockdown. I have had low mood, suicidal thoughts and several breakdowns all related to past traumas or just the effects of lockdown on me personally. I’ve had spikes and other times when it has been calmer but NOTHING like this. I have always been quite a jealous person. Whenever my boyfriend would follow a pretty girl or whenever he’d like a revealing picture I’d kick off (trust issues on my part, I know). We recently moved in together and for a couple weeks I was great however over the past couple of weeks I have deteriorated massively. It started out with intrusive thoughts from absolutely nowhere. ‘Do I love him?’ or ‘Should I be out enjoying single life?’ I have compulsions where I constantly nitpick at him or check to see if I find him attractive or check to see if I’m enjoying things when we get intimate. It’s become an obsession and one which affects me massively. I spend every hour of every day obsessing over it and crying my eyes out. I’ve broken up with him over it because I feel I’m hurting him by being this way. I’m so exhausted and drained but my mind won’t let me rest. This was triggered by a mistake I made by talking to my ex-boyfriend and since then I’ve emotionally numbed myself to all feelings because the guilt was too strong for me to handle but now I feel helpless. I want the love back I had for him just a couple weeks ago. I was so in love with him. We’ve made so many happy memories together and he’s always been the one I want to spend my life with but now I’m scared because I don’t...mainly because the will to ‘live’ is gone. This scares me because I don’t want to fall out of love with him, I just want it to go back to how it was however it feels like it never will and I’m stuck like this forever. Then I found threads of others with the same experiences and feelings and it eased me. I wasn’t alone. And for the next day I was better than before, I could push the thoughts away because I knew it was ROCD talking and I did love my boyfriend and others experienced it and as soon as the doctors would give me help then I’d be okay. Then came the HOCD (this has only been the past 24 hours but it’s been debilitating). I always have to have something to overthink or dwell on otherwise I feel lost and I will ALWAYS find something. I’ve considered myself bisexual for the last year. My family and boyfriend know and are okay with it. I found girls attractive but I was always happy and in love with my boyfriend and never would’ve wanted anything with another man let alone a woman. I found them attractive and that was the end of it. Case closed. But over the past day (once I’d got a handle on my ROCD) it’s gotten horrific. I started question if I didn’t find my boyfriend attractive because I’m gay. Or if I wasn’t turned on by him or sex because I’m gay. Or if I feel nothing for him because I’ve become gay slowly and now it’s climaxing. I’ve convinced myself when I look at any man that they’re not attractive (even celebrities I’ve been in love with and swooned over for years and years) whereas when I look at literally ANY girl I’m convinced they’re attractive and I want them. When I imagine sex with anyone I’m not turned on however I don’t know how long it is before I convince myself I am with women. I’m scared because I don’t want to lose my boyfriend and I don’t want to be gay because I want my boyfriend. He’s all I ever wanted and I refuse to give him up. He’s super supportive but of course the notion of any of the thoughts of ROCD and HOCD are upsetting to him because he’s madly in love with me. I want things to go back to normal but I feel as though I’m destined to be this way forever. Suicide has been on my mind a lot recently because I just want this hurt and pain to stop, I’m exhausted. Please help, any advice or tips or recovery stories or even to know others feel this way and I’m not abnormal would be super helpful!! I’m at rock bottom and I don’t know how to fix this :((
 
Lizaje

Lizaje

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
521
Location
Idk
Whenever my boyfriend would follow a pretty girl or whenever he’d like a revealing picture
From a religious perspective, that is absolutely forbidden. I would not accept it either.

Did you see a doctor then? Can you get appointments right away?
 
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