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ROCD - Breaking-up and getting back together. I don't want to hurt my partner more.

B

Bloom101

New member
Joined
Sep 25, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Malta
I have recently come out of a same-sex relationship which I ended myself because of the continuous stream of thinking that was present every day. The obsessive thoughts were about my partner and were consuming my mental energy to such an extent that I did not have enough energy to do everyday tasks.

This is the second break-up I had with my partner during our 1 yr 2 month relationship. We have now been apart for 3 weeks. The relationship started very well and I eventually introduced him to my friends and family. I really cared about the guy. Our values matched pretty well, despite being of different nationalities. We wanted the same thing, and rarely fought. However, about 6 months into the relationship (the infatuation stage), I started having all sorts of toughts which prevented me from committing further to the relationship. Here is a sample:

  • “The guy has feminine traits. I want a manly-man. Can I put up with these for the rest of my life?”
  • “Will he be able to handle my anxiety? Perhaps he won’t be able to because the time I expressed my anxious feelings, he didn’t have the reaction I expected.” (the reaction was still very caring from his side).
  • My partner is an expat, he does not have friends in my country. I am sharing my friends with him. “What if he becomes more friends with them than myself? Will I end up without friends?”
  • My partner uses social media soo much. “I don’t like that trait in him. How can I put up with it for my whole life?”
  • My partner is very likeable. Will he be more likeable than me? Can two likeable people be together? Shouldn’t people in a couple have opposing characters to balance out each other?
  • Couples we know have a very jokey relationship between them. I feel we don’t joke enough. Am I in the wrong relationship?
  • Am I giving too much of myself the relationship? Have I settled for a guy and not searched enough?
  • “This guy does not match the ideals I had in my head. Am I actually following my heart or am I in the relationship, just to boost my ego?”
  • What if there is someone better out there? What if I’m making a mistake? I must date other people to check. I haven’t dated enough in my life. I haven’t slept around enough to know if he is the right one.
  • “My boyfriend is happy with all the ideas I come up with for our dates. He never comes up with his own ideas. I imagined myself being with a guy who could take charge. Is he not taking charge enough?”
  • “Do I really love him? I don’t always feel love for him. Am I leading him on? Am I not being truthful to him? I should end it. That way I’ll be true to my feeling”
And the list goes on……

Having these thoughts every day was very tiring. They played on my biggest fears and caused me to ruminate. In order to try to feel better, my brain would fast forward into the future to try to predict what will happen. Often, the imagined future elicits further questions and fears and I ruminate on the new fears that erupt. This consumed me so much, that I eventually did not look forward to meeting up with my partner. I knew that some of his behaviours would trigger my thought cycle. It was tiring trying to be present and be happy during out dates, when this avalanche of thoughts was happening in my head. Meeting up felt tiring. It was an effort. I had to suppress all of this and be happy go lucky. On one hand, it felt like I wasn’t being honest about my feelings with my partner but on the other hand I felt I couldn’t share my feelings with my partner….because all the feelings were about leaving him. Every time I confessed I had these feelings, my partner would logically feel bad and worry. SO I tried to deal with the thoughts myself and shield him from it. Eventually the thoughts were so overwhelming that I had to stop the relationship.

Admittedly, it felt very relieving during the first two weeks after the break-up. I could sleep soundly again and I could focus on other things. No more overwhelming thoughts. But now I am missing him. He loved me terribly.

I know for sure that going back together will trigger me again. I will have thoughts like…”why did I get back together with him? I was single and free. I should have dated more etc. etc. etc.”

I don’t want to hurt him more than I already did. I care deeply for the guy. It is unfair on him to go through more heartache because of my hot and cold behaviour. I want to get back together, but I know that I will want out again when the thoughts become too much.

This has happened in previous relationships too…not only this one.

Any opinions and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
3,439
Location
England
Personally, in future, i will think with my head, not my heart.
 
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