Ridiculous me

SewSo

SewSo

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Peterborough
#1
SewSo, because i am So So. I am ok, but i wake every morning wanting to violently hurt myself because i am instantly remembering all of the good people i have met who have witnessed me being pathetic.

Depression made me pathetic. My life experiences made me pathetic. The way people have spoken to me, pulled me in, chucked me away again, that has all made me feel very ashamed of who i am. My dad for example, he never knew who i was but he still formed an opinion of me which was of a nasty, self-centred, horrible person. I am none of those things.

Maybe i actually have good self-esteem, but my sadness comes from knowing that people don't see that, haven't seen that. There are people i really liked, bosses, doctors, my current GP, who think i am pathetic. I am not, i don't think, and i wish they could see that i was strong and nice. Maybe i am weak and horrible. I really do not know.

My life, i am clinging on to a routine and sometimes i even cannot do that. I have lost so much weight this year but gained body fat. I know i should exercise but when i think several times a day about violently hurting myself, how can i care about the gym? How can i run or cycle when i just want to run into danger or cycle into danger. I dare not even run anywhere near places with a big drop or fast moving traffic.

I am on here because i need to talk. I call the Sams but often feel i sound too well. They tell me i am articulate which is Sam speak for wondering why i am calling. I am talking confidently and i am not crying, but that does not mean that every day i wake up hoping that i will be dead before bed time. Or am i? I really don't know.

I hope that there are people out there who have time to communicate with me on this forum. I hope that i can provide some support to you also.

I am in England.

:peace:
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#3
Hi there. I notice you used the word "pathetic" several times. All I can tell you is that it isn't good enough to have compassion for others. YOU are called, YOU are challenged to Develop Compassion For Yourself. Therefore, you cannot call yourself "pathetic". You MUST love yourself. That is the lesson being laid out before you.
 
SewSo

SewSo

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#4
I have received very little compassion throughout my life so that may be why i haven't felt much for myself. I know that i often felt like i did not deserve anything. I have been working on that independently and i do value myself, i do see that i am a good person. I also know that my symptoms have caused me to be unkind to others and quite cruel at times. I know that it is not just symptoms too but how i was treated by family much of the time.

It was a vicious circle. I would be agitated with family, they would be nasty back to me not realising it was a symptom of my disorder. I would then fall into a depression and feel bad for what i had done, and feel ashamed of how people viewed me.

Repeat for many years and this is where i am.

Add into the mix much shame which came from how i acted when depressed and how that was received by family and health professionals. I am messed up in the head and broken in the heart.

I don't know what i am talking about this morning but i know that i feel so so today. I know i also slept for ten hours and this would signify depression, although i don't feel depressed. I do spend so much of my life depressed that sometimes i don't even know if i am depressed or not.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#5
I hear you. I feel broken also but somehow no matter what happens to us, we are still not broken. We feel broken but the Self is still intact underneath the broken feeling. I thought I was broken forever after one particularly bad experience but I found myself through some Buddhist practices and restored my Natural Mind.

It takes a long time to be free of the patterns from our family. I repeated unkind patterns from mine and the bi polar made it even more intense. My first marriage therefore did not stand a chance. But the way I look at it, this was all meant to be. I look at it as preordained. I had no choice but to go through those things. If it was not my fault, and it was all God's Will, then why would I hate myself? Do you ever think like this about your past?

That's all for now.
 
SewSo

SewSo

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#6
I also have bipolar disorder. It intesifies those feelings and memories. I also think that it was pre-determined that i would go through these experiences to shape me into who i am today, which is a far wiser and better person than before. What confuses me is why i had to go through such a enormous amount. I question was i really so bad? Or am i really very special and therefore have to go through more than most? Or was the severity actually because of my symptoms? But then why do i have bipolar disorder if looking at it from a spiritual perspective? The hallucinations confuse me also, and often frighten me. Are they related to dopamine excess or the devil or something else? It is often hard to get through my day with all of these questions. Add symptoms and criticism from family and life is extremely difficult.
 
M

misssadness

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#7
Hi sewso. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I have always been told I am articulate and seem well by professionals so I know how frustrating it is as it means we never get the help we really need. My family have caused me to have BPD by neglecting me and being mean to me all my life. They are no longer in my life which has helped a lot. I really think you need to cut your family out of your life if they are causing you pain as it just is not worth it. Life is hard enough without people in who make you feel worse. :hug:
 
SewSo

SewSo

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#8
I hope that life is more manageable for you now that you have cut people out of your life. I am planning on doing the same, or distancing myself from many. My mum and younger brother are the main people in my life, and some cousins and a couple of friends but mum does have some problems that surface every now and then. Luckily she is a great mum the majority of the time but like the little girl with a little curl, when she is bad she is horrid. It is something i just have to put up with and fortunately i can close the door and turn off my phone until i am feeling strong enough to cope with her again. She puts up with a lot from me, helps me through my depressions, but she has caused me a lot of problems too so you might summise that she both caused some problems (those that come under mild-BPD perhaps) and helps with them too. It's messed up right!

I was screaming inside when i posted this earlier. I was sitting in the restaurant feeling so small. I wanted to start crying there and then but you can't do that in front of a room full of people can you. I knew that if i spoke to mum she would fire a load of horrible words at me as she doesn't care that she is in a room full of strangers. I knew that i had no way of getting home other than in her mini. I knew that as soon as i got into her mini that i would be hurt, accused and questioned, which did happen. I am home and safe now and i am trying to calm myself, to rest, and luckily i don't have to work at the moment so i can spend the week looking after myself.

I want to break down, i want to get drunk, i want to overdose or hurt myself in some way, but with these peaceful surroundings i can manage just about.

It is no wonder that many people reach a point of staying away from others and eventually not leaving their home. I think i am headed for that for various reasons.
 
M

misssadness

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#9
What an awful day you have had. I am glad you are home now and I really hope you can cope without hurting yourself in any way. You do not deserve any more pain to add to your horrible time at the restaurant. :hug:
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#10
I also have bipolar disorder. It intesifies those feelings and memories. I also think that it was pre-determined that i would go through these experiences to shape me into who i am today, which is a far wiser and better person than before. What confuses me is why i had to go through such a enormous amount. I question was i really so bad? Or am i really very special and therefore have to go through more than most? Or was the severity actually because of my symptoms? But then why do i have bipolar disorder if looking at it from a spiritual perspective? The hallucinations confuse me also, and often frighten me. Are they related to dopamine excess or the devil or something else? It is often hard to get through my day with all of these questions. Add symptoms and criticism from family and life is extremely difficult.
I also have these questions in my head that don't shut up. As for hallucinations, It's not the devil. That's what people said in the dark ages because they didn't have Science and especially brain science. We have cell phones and nuclear energy now. The devil is an immature explanation or old fashioned explanation. I think hallucinations are hyper creativity. I use to hallucinate tactile mice crawling all over me. I never told the doctor. It took a year to go away. I learned the mice are Self Hate.

And yes, family members who act out of the critical parental role are detrimental and I have avoided them as much as possible until now. Now my mother is in the hospital and I have to see her. Perhaps she will be kind. Perhaps I will be challenged to maintain my adult equilibrium against the poor behavior of others. She can't help being the way she is. She never tried to improve herself with psychology in her life.
 
A

allinthe

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#11
Hey SewSo,
you can't blame yourself for how people have treated YOU in the past! You have to be strong and let go. Sometimes you can do this by confronting your demons head on like speaking to a family member that bullied you as you grew up or maybe a friend that always put you down. This is YOUR life, it does not belong to anyone else and the day you take control and realize that, you'll become stronger, wiser and far more superior than anyone else who has tried to put you down.

You don't have to be ashamed to be depressed or anxious or anything else for that matter. Anxiety is just life these days. The world ticks on by, people work their fingers to the bone, usually for very little, families don't love their family like they used to when social media tools take people further away from physical interaction. Modern society does itself no justice when it comes down to pulling together as the reality is, the population is getting bigger whilst more social problems reign more rampant than ever before. All the way from politics and governments right down to the little guys at the bottom of the corporate food chain (ie. us, me and you)

So in a way, we are all victims of a system that just consumes consumes and consumes even more than ever before. People are born with impressions on life that simply are not realistic, these can be cultural beliefs or just personal opinions on how other people live their life whilst those that spread this separation don't seem to know any better. So set your OWN example. Be who YOU want to be and don't stop and wait for others to give you the green light because the sad truth is, no-one will ever give you the green light. Only you can. Love yourself and others will start loving you too. What works for one man might not work for another. My family for example are what I consider 'old-skool' farming types. They believe in working and working HARD at that! But their idealogy is poisonous for me because I'm not 'old-skool' and I'm not a farmer. I went to school, college and then off into work but I met very different people and ended up choosing a way of life that my family would not of took. Bottom line? That was MY choice and most importantly, I was gifted that right from birth up until death. The right to make life how I wanted it to be and not anyone else especially if other people's views on life clash with mine. You can NEVER satisfy everyone. As soon as you satisfy the need to be respected from your dad, you'll start finding other people you think you need to be respected by and forever you will be caught in a guilt ridden trap where you believe you are less than what you are.

And that's because you need to listen to yourself. Know when to close the door. Know when to stop listening to what people think of you especially if what they think of you simply isn't true. Family has a really good tool in the fight against emotional stability quite simply because family can get in nice and deep and make you feel bad quite easily, because you want to love them and because they are your own, it's YOUR family after all, right? Just because they can get at you - DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE ALLOWED TO!

You really need to start shaping your life. And you need to do that by removing the negativity in your life, you need to rid yourself of the poisonous people, environments and events that keep on happening to you for you to express yourself like you have in your thread. Take responsibility and do what's right, sort yourself out and then when you are well on your way to recovery - you can look back and you'll see everyone else left behind struggling to keep up. Then, and only then... you will know that you weren't the problem and that you went away and fixed yourself and then, the problem was ALWAYS THEM and NOT YOU.

And then, you can walk away :)
Walk away a happy man because you defended your own identity against a family that might be trying to repress you and isn't helping to understand how you feel about yourself and life in general. Not every family has the emotional capacity to fulfill their children's emotional needs - that's just the truth. So if they can't do that for you, you need to be finding people that will.

And that's where problems can start because you then begin to get needy, you require attention and confirmation and you feel weak because you've made out to feel that way. Well fortunately, that's all in your head and you CAN control how you respond to how you think and make positive change in your life. Just be yourself. Be warm and accepting, try and understand other people's problems and then you'll realize that everyone either has the same problems or knows someone that has and then, you won't feel so isolated. Trust me, you're not the only one with family life that causes nightmares for everyone!

You have to find peace. And it's clear as day that you aren't finding it in the situations you encounter in your life right now. So change your life? If that means saving some money and moving away then so be it. I've moved around a lot in my life, and I've found the further I'm away from tormenting memories - like the towns that I was in when they happened - the better I'm and every time I return to my family? Nothing has changed, unfortunately. Everyone is the same, nasty and bitter and in-compassionate.

You have to ditch the people that cause all the noise in your life and all the negativity which from what you said, seems to be an issue in your life. And you have to conform by YOUR OWN rules. It seems like you want to impress people, perhaps because you believe if you prove to your father you are a man - that makes you a man. The truth is, IT DOES NOT. Having your father's support is only half of the solution and some men never have the support of their fathers in their life and so grin and bear it. You only need confirmation that you are DOING A GOOD JOB when you believe YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB. You simply cannot go through life thinking for others, it's why no-one wants to be a psychologist these days I think! Because thinking for others can sometimes be dangerous for yourself. You have to think for yourself.
From now onward, focus on your own life. Write down some things you want to change about yourself. If you are not already taking medication for your condition - take it. I always thought anti-depressants never worked for me, turns out, I just wasn't on the right medication for me. I know people don't want to be hooked on pharmaceutical drugs to operate their lives but the reality is, hey... if you need them then take them and don't stop taking them especially if they are WORKING. Set some goals. Perhaps lift a certain weight in the gym or master a new martial art, learn calligraphy, learn to swim, go back to school and get the grades you didn't get... The possibilities ARE endless and it only stops when you let people get in your way and believe me, plenty more people will attempt to challenge you now until your dying days and if you are young like me, that's another 50 or so years left to go until I get some peace!

Make the most of it! You live once :)
If people make you feel down then perhaps the people doing that to you feel down as well and want you to feel as bad as them? If so, show them how to feel happy. Be the goodness you want to see in the world. If you believe you can lead then start leading and you'll see that others will follow you when you become good enough at leading yourself you'll find yourself leading others.

I'm evidence of that. I was adopted. I started off in an abusive confusing violent home with middle class parents with no emotional capabilities and materialistic dreams and ambitions. As I grew up I kept getting into trouble with the police, the neighbors and I started hating EVERYONE. I thought I was to blame. I thought something was wrong with me. It turns out, my family were so insecure and so trapped in their old ways that they couldn't be flexible enough to allow me to have freedom whilst I was growing up. The more they tried to cage me - the more I fought. Eventually they threw me out, but ever since then. My criminal record has remained as I left it as a juvenile causing trouble because it was my only release at the time. And I've been happier. I found myself! I met people who could instantly recognize that I had been through HELL growing up and to begin with, it frightened me because I believed hand on heart that I wasn't good enough - because that's what I had engraved in my mind ever since being a child. It put a lot of people off but the older I got, the more people I met, the further I decided to travel and the more experiences I had and shared with others - the more I realized that there is a world out there and most importantly, there is a PERSON out there and that PERSON is... ME. Of course, I was never anyone else. I was always myself. I never changed. People tried to change ME. And those people stated sadly with my very own family and then I progressed to desire belonging from others and slowly I realized I will never be satisfied unless I accept myself RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THIS SECOND and move forward only looking for what makes ME happy. In the youth of my life, I helped out on online radio stations created by clever IT kids (I was a clever IT kid as well at the time! Go figure!), I moderated on forums that were designed for online games like Habbo Hotel and Runescape. I then went out into the real world and met new people, learned new skills, ventured out and did what made me happy and the more I did it the more I found out that I don't have to prove anything in the first place! Now I'm closer to 30 than 20 and I try and talk to everyone like I would like to be treated, and I've met some people who have told me amazing things about ME and take it back tens years ago, I'd of been getting told how much of a failure I'am to everybody...

Don't let people try and tell you you're not worth anything. Pick yourself up, show them the door and never look back. And move on. It might take you time but you need to live your life before you regret not living it and I have grandparents that turn in their chairs whenever I mention some of the beautiful happy things I've done in my time like having healthy friendships out of the family environment. It seems absurd to them because they messed themselves up in life and so they want to try and do the same to me.

Be the difference. Put a stop to it.
Make life what YOU want it to be and if anyone tries and stop you, you have every right to stand there and defend yourself as long as your not hurting yourself or anyone else.

PM me if you need to, I also live in the UK :)
 
SewSo

SewSo

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Peterborough
#12
Thanks Poopy Doll,

At the moment i am erring on the side of psychiatry with regard to the visuals, but when i am ill i get very frightened about what they meant and read into it all far too much. I must have one fantastic imagination to have created such a vision. I often wonder if they came from films and TV?

My mum also rarely reflects on herself, as far as i am aware. She is loving, keeps coming back and loving, but in between those times she acts in a confusingly irrational way. It is all too dramatic for me. I am very grounded, most of the time ;) so it is hard for me to understand. My mum has mild bipolar disorder so that may have something to do with it but i don't act like that and i have it so really i don't think i can put it down to a symptom. It could be that i am giving something off that i am not aware of. I tend to think about things and not know if i have actually said them out loud which can be a problem.

I hope when you see your mum it goes well. It is true that as adults we are more able to keep a level head but with bipolar disorder are more susceptible to stress. I am worried today will affect my mood but i think i protected myself quite quickly so hopefully it won't.
 
SewSo

SewSo

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Peterborough
#13
Thank you allinthe,

I clearly lit a fire in your mind somehow! I am female by the way. You make a lot of sense, and i feel happy that i have already done many of the things you suggest. There are many people in my past that i have cut off and i did actually move about five hours away from where i grew up which was freeing.

I take a mood stabilizer and it does work, but stress can override it sometimes. I also still fluctuate mildly anyway. Most of my problems now are emotional i think, and it is good to have the moods evened out so that i can see the rest of me and my life with a clear head and without the filter of a mood. I can see clearly now the moods have gone!

I do know that i have contributed to many of the arguments over the years, but my reasoning comes from hurt, rejection, worry, them misunderstanding me, that type of thing. I don't really know why, but i do attract hatred from some people, even some health professionals.

I am making a serious effort to be self-sufficient emotionally and physically. I have always worried what other people think of me and i probably still do which is the reason for the shame, if i have the right word, but also i am beginning to not care as much.

I don't have to prove myself to anyone and i don't need anyone, is where i am at. I want people in my life, i would like people to like me, but i am trying to accept that people will do and think what they choose.

My life is very much over in my opinion. Maybe i mean the old Susan, maybe i mean me, current me. I have given up on life and maybe that is why i don't bother arguing any more and don't bother chasing after people. I also don't care as much about upsetting people which is very unlike the old me. I am honest now, to an extent.

It's been nice to talk. I usually dump this all on some poor Sam.