resonably important ;'/

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oioisamii

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Mar 30, 2011
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#1
This has come to the point where my life is either make or break, I was 15 in September and my father moved away 3 christmas' ago. From then on, little was I aware, that I was about to start the journey to hell. I went to an all girls grammar school from a tiny Primary School of not even 100 pupils, so you can imagine how little that enviroment suited. I started missing a lot of time off school by refusing to go, I had a few problems with other students and the pressure towards work was not for me. It then reached the point that I was in no education forover two years. Social services got involved and I have been in several alternative education situations and none of which have worked in the slightest. I am now at college doing a level 1 BTEC Art & Design Foundational Course, me and my mother recently attended a meeting to inform us that if I didn't attend college everyday my mum would have the risk of either being fined up to £1000 everyday that I do not go or prison.

If I do say so myself, I am a bright girl and always have been, and for quite a while now I KNOW what I have become is not me. Infact I spend most of my time have being in the lowest moods or attempting to end my life on more than twenty occasions. I have done my fair amount of research and although I am not a qualified physciatrist but the Mental Health illness' I would relate my own to would be BPD, Manic Depression & possibly schizophrenia; most of which are already in family.

I wish more than anything that I had someone to talk to about how I feel, to someone that actually understands how my mind works and how easily the tiniest little thing can just send me off the walls.
BUT
the real question really is, if I have frequent appointments at CAHMS (details of all sessions would probably go to my social worker anyway) would this prevent my mother from being in any kind of trouble like that for me not being in college? I mean like I said, everyday feels like years and I won't lie I battle with my own mind about things I don't think I have ever told anyone, because I know just as much as them that I really do need help, and I am unable to get it from the resources that I have already exaushted.

I really hope you can give me an idea of what to do, really at the end now :/
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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#2
Hiya ois, I'd love to reply... but it's so late, and way beyond my bedtime!

So just a quick welcome to the site. There aren't many online at this time unfortunately.

One thing I will say is that you mentioned being bright at 15... well you write better than I ever could! That post is so fluid, and looks like you breezed through it, it would have taken me hours, lol.

On topic now, there are lots of people who you can discuss these things with in here. You most certainly are not on your own. :)

Take care, and sleep well tonight.

M :)
 
Karian

Karian

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#3
Hi ois

You say you are a bright girl and have done your research think some of the psychiatrists could take a leaf out of your book, and do a bit of research themselves.

I have 2 kids so although I think about ending it a lot I never would as I couldnt leave them behind without me. I think you are doing the right thing joining a support forum like this, somewhere to vent and release your thoughts and anxieties can be a huge relief.

Big hugs and hope you get some sleep xx
 
Madman

Madman

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#4
Hello oioisamii,

I don't sleep much, so you will often find me around - whatever the time.

Anyway, I know how you feel. I'm a lot older than you are (I'm 48), but I remember like it was yesterday - the troubles I had at school. I am diagnosed with a lot of what you believe you are suffering, so I know exactly how unpleasant it all is. You will read some horror stories on this site about terrible GP's and under qualified psychiatrists, but believe me - there are also some very good ones out there as well - it's the same as any profession unfortunately, some people are crap at what they do and it beggars belief that they are allowed to practice, whilst others are an absolute god send and can help you in ways you never knew possible.

You certainly can't go on the way you are currently expected to. Forcing you into a place everyday, that you really don't want to be at - whilst you are ill and obviously getting worse because of it, is an absolute crime. I honestly believe your best course of action has to begin with your GP - hopefully you have a decent one, who will pay attention to what you say and act accordingly. Your opening post in this thread is excellent and describes really well just how you are feeling - if you think you would have a problem speaking face to face to your GP about your troubles - why not print off that post and hand them a copy to read - just say that you are not feeling well enough to talk about all your troubles and would they mind reading what you have written instead - surely if they are understanding enough they will do so.

Hopefully then they will refer you to a good psychiatric team that can give you the help and advice you need. If they are experienced enough to understand how difficult things are for you at school/college - the psychiatrist will have the power to say that you don't have to go everyday as your condition will almost definitely worsen if you are forced to do so.

I don't know what country you are in, so it's not possible to know what laws you live under, but in the UK there is lots of help available if you go to the right places for it. I know there are lots of people on this forum that have had bad experiences with the mental health system in the UK, in fact I am one of them, but good things do happen sometimes too and hopefully you would be lucky enough to be helped by a decent team of people - it can happen.

If however, you don't have an understanding GP and you don't know where else to turn, this forum is a very good place to be. There are many many people here that are either suffering as you are, or at least have done at sometime in their lives, so lots of people here know how you are feeling and what you are going through - that in itself is a help of sorts - just knowing that you are not alone and that you don't ever have to be.
 
maxitab

maxitab

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#6
I think qf has hit the nail on the head, if you are not attending through illness then someone needs to inform the courts....find out your rights. You or your mum can also access an advocacy worker through Mind....
 
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oioisamii

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#7
Thank you so much everyone you have no idea how much of a relief it is to read all of that. Thank you Madman, Mayfair, Karian & Qf that link was really helpful, infact all of this really is. I have an appointment on the 7th with CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) as I am in the UK. I am more inclined to be more positive about it than all the times before, mainly because I found that the appointments was me talking to a stuck up woman who really showed that she couldn't give a shit and the next time I go after that and specifically request NOT to see her they do the same thing again! Although in saying that I never actually got past the introductory assesments but because I was heavily put off by what they appeared to be 'offering'.
I am also annoyed with the fact that I do believe that a fine will be in our post box tomorrow morning and I hope that, if what people are saying on here is correct, it is not too late to sort it out. If my mother does get fined, as she is on her own and has never recieved a penny from my father towards me, it will probably also mean that we will have to sell our house and move into a two bedroomed flat on an estate. Either that or they have the power to put me into foster care.. AGAIN, for my 3rd time and if it's new foster parents then they will become my 6th placement. I text my social worker over three times today and called her twice asking what happened at the meeting (for Education Welware to decide what action they will take) and have had no reply. My mother also phoned my previous secondary school who are funding my vocational course at college and she said that she got a very heavy impression that no one was going to tell her what they actually decided.

*sigh* I guess overall I am very pleased about finding this website and the responce from my first post. Hope I haven't replied too late haha & thanks again.
 
Madman

Madman

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#8
I honestly believe that even if your mother does get a fine in the post in the coming days it could and should be put on hold whilst your case is being looked into. I don't believe that a fine would stand whilst you are waiting to be seen and also waiting for a proper diagnosis. Your mental illness is not your mothers fault and I don't see how she could be held responsible for it. Ok, she is responsible for looking after you, but you haven't said anything that would make anyone believe she was not, although you have pointed out that you have been in foster care before.

You have listed a number of conditions that you believe you might have - all of them very unpleasant on their own, let alone all together! Could I ask you, do you have voices and visions at all - is yes, are they giving you orders?
 
O

oioisamii

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Mar 30, 2011
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#9
I'm not completely sure how to explain the answer to your question, it's more like 99% of the time my mind is constantly having an argument with 'who I feel I have become' and who I am underneathe this layer of bad things that have just built up over the past few years. By the end of the day (especially if it has been a bad one) I am mentally drained and exaushted, due to just what my mind has been going through and thinking about, obviously most of which are usualy bad things. So in answer to your question yes I do but it's all in my head not actual sounds to be heard, and no I haven't been given orders. Wasn't really too sure how to explain that sorry >.<
When I know I'm getting really angry or upset it's like from that moment on I almost have no control of myself. It is like sitting in a chair in my mind watching what I am doing through my eyes. Haven't mentioned this yet either but I also have self harmed by cutting for over 4 years, I stopped for nearly a year but relapsed and carried on, getting worse though and on a number of occasions using it to attempt suicide. I haven't self harmed in a month now but at the moment my views on that lasting look increasingly slimmer everyday
 
maxitab

maxitab

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#10
Hi oioi, I think what you describe may be depersonalisation or derealisation? You may like to read the section on here about those things and see if they match your experiences. They tend to happen when people are very tense or anxious - as the situation sounds.

Do let us know how things are going and I hope it can be resolved......
 
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Witts

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Mar 22, 2011
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Berkshire
#11
I cant offer much practicle advice OiOi, apart from I would find it difficult to believe any court could get away with this when you are clearly actively trying to recieve the apprprriate help and support.

It doesnt sound like your Social Worker is being particulary helpful, you need to push that, shes accountable hun, its her role and responsibility!

That said, you write beautifully, explain yourself bravely and I hope you get the right support.

Good Luck xxx
 
Karian

Karian

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Beith Scotland
#12
I would just like to say, the mental health route for kids ( I am not saying you are child like, just due to your age thats what this country catagorize you as) is a complete and utter sham, my 12yr old has had major issues since primary school, we took him for hearing tests, we had him to the gp numerace times, last year he set fire in his bedroom and once he lit it, he came downstairs sat on the sofa and said nothing even when the alarms went off he didnt respond or say what it was until I opened his room door to his bedposts being alight, I somehow went into auto pilot and got the fire under control all be it that his mattress got thrown out the window as it was a hollow fibre and the water wouldnt put the flames out in the mattress, I contacted the school who put me intouch with the school nurse who spoke to him, I took him again to my gp who then infront of me told him "it is fun and we all like to experiment" not helpful one little bit.
The nurse comes back to see me and when I ask for a referral to CAMHS she tell me it isnt really needed as she doesnt think he will do it again???
My bro in law is a social worker in a different area to us, so I rung him to see if I could seek help or a referral some other way but no, because he is in a stable home and the school have no major problems they wont be interested.

I am certain there is something wrong with my son, but whenever I go to a gp or health official with him, I am made to feel like because I have "issues" I am overexaggerating.
Jordan has took knifes into school, not just a pen knife but huge bread knifes and with me having a cookery background my knifes are always kept razor sharp.
he lifts things continually from other peoples houses, nothing expensive usually sharpeners and badges shiny things really like a magpie.

But no-one cares it really pisses me off as if they can speak to him now and find out what is going on in his head just maybe he will have a normal life and not stuck in a shitty system that doesnt work.

I would advise your mum to seek out and speak to an advocate who will try to get your point across more vocally than personalising it and making it emotional.
there are a lot of free advocate services avaliable you just need to ring around and find one your comfortable with.

I agree with Witts you are not sitting in your room locking the door and telling everyone to F off you are out there screaming for some help so I think they should sit up and take notice

big hugs Karen x x x
 
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