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Resisting compulsions and suffering greatly help

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Swirlingmystery

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Hello, I'm 24 years old and have been suffering from violent intrusive thoughts since I was 5. I was convinced until recently that I was a horrible person destined to commit great harm against people. I'm not diagnosed with ocd but I strongly identify with the symptoms of ocd and believe I have harm ocd specifically. I do finally believe that I'm a good person and I trust myself for the most part. My obsessions and compulsions have been pretty fixed for years. I have a violent thought or see violence on tv. I check my emotional reaction and body sensations and end up convinced that I have a strong enjoyment for violence. I convince myself that I'm a danger to others. I beat myself up to prevent myself from hurting anyone.
However I decided I am not going to act out my compulsions anymore. I'm not going to beat myself up. Oh and I'm not going to seek reassurance from others that I'm a good person. None of that. I've been allowing my intrusive thoughts to come and go. Greeting some with disinterest and some with a sense of humor before focusing back on whatever I'm doing. In many ways I've made so much progress. I haven't been acting compulsively at all. But it's so persistent. It just keeps going. I'm not trying to not think about harm but I am enjoying different activities and whatnot in hopes I'll start to feel better. The thoughts just keep bombarding me. It's not the thoughts themselves that are bothering me though. It's the anxiety. The anxiety has been so bad. I sit with it. I distract myself. I'm using all the coping skills. But the anxiety won't let up. I was up all night having panic attacks and crying. Got 2 hours of sleep before I was up again and anxious. Normally I take a nap when I don't sleep well but my brain is on over drive. I'm so tired I'm twitching. My eyes are so swollen. I haven't been eating. For like one hour the anxiety actually lifted and I was glad to feel the relief but then the thoughts started again causing me more anxiety. I'm just so wore out. Is it normal for anxiety to get this bad when first resisting compulsions? How long until I can hope to feel better. You know like maybe just a few hours of debilitating anxiety a day would be an amazing gift. I feel like I'm dying.
 
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Ladyfair

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Hi! This sounds really horrible have you had any professional help?
 
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Swirlingmystery

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Hi! This sounds really horrible have you had any professional help?
Hi Annie I was recently hospitalized in a psych unit and am now in a partial program. Aside from that I do have a therapist and psychiatrist that I was seeing and will see again after the partial program. We talk a lot about coping skills and have talked a bit about intrusive thoughts. But mostly the groups cater to depression or non ocd related anxiety. They don't offer much 1 on 1 so I feel pretty alone right now. I want to start erp asap but insurance won't cover therapy while I'm in the program. Is it normal to feel this anxious for this long in the begining?
 
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Ladyfair

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Hi Annie I was recently hospitalized in a psych unit and am now in a partial program. Aside from that I do have a therapist and psychiatrist that I was seeing and will see again after the partial program. We talk a lot about coping skills and have talked a bit about intrusive thoughts. But mostly the groups cater to depression or non ocd related anxiety. They don't offer much 1 on 1 so I feel pretty alone right now. I want to start erp asap but insurance won't cover therapy while I'm in the program. Is it normal to feel this anxious for this long in the begining?
I think it's normal. Try to stay with all the help your getting sounds like you have a lot of support.😊
 
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Swirlingmystery

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I think it's normal. Try to stay with all the help your getting sounds like you have a lot of support.😊
Thank you. It doesn't really feel like that much support in the partial program. Depends who's running the group I suppose. Full hospitalization was very helpful. I wish I could go back 🤣
 
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toto

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Did you know that there are computer sounds that make you goosebumps, even if you don't like the music? I also find that some scenes evoke feelings in me that I don't like. But I really like the example of lotus feet in China, which was normal. So I know that normal is a relative quantity. I don't pay much attention. I don't like watching movies, but I have to because our apartment is small and I have nowhere to go.
 
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toto

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I do not feed these moods. Besides, there are people who even like to watch such movies, so I don't feel different. Why do you watch them at all, why do you test what you will experience? Maybe it's part of a sense of superiority, of power. The very idea that you are worried says that everything is fine. Apparently you are not my adult and you are still shaping your character, the limits of your aggression even.
 
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Started 1976

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I'm sure it is normal to feel like that to begin with.The more you do it the better you will feel.
It sounds exactly the same strategy I used many years ago after seeing a psychiatrist.It worked.
You must stick at It is a "NO PAIN NO GAIN SITUATION".
I did eventually go on medication to help me further.Though that may or may not suit you.Thinking of you.
 
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toto

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It is better to accept these feelings as momentary, without worrying, however. I thought ... first, we are social animals, but still animals. Second ... it is part of the feeling of superiority, supremacy, power. That is ... everyone has it. Those who do not control it become psychopaths, in the lightest case than those nasty bosses who harass their employees. So ... stop hurting yourself, that's crazy.
 
S

Started 1976

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The Fact that you beat yourself up as you say "to stop you from hurting people" proves what a good person you obviously are.I am sure you wouldn't hurt anybody.
Keep doing what you are doing it will get easier.
 
S

Started 1976

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Have you ever visited ali greymonds ocd recovery site.I have only just discovered it and would highly recommend it.Please try it.
 
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