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Resentment Towards Parents

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SilverKelpie

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Joined
Sep 11, 2020
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3
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Canada
Hi all,

I am new to this forum and I am still learning to navigate the pages, so I apologize if this subject has already been addressed. It's something I have been struggling with for a long time.

There is no handbook for parenting; everyone makes the best decisions for their children based on what they know. In my case, my parents didn't intentionally hurt me, but I certainly felt neglected and ignored as a child. As a teen, when my mental illnesses really came to the forefront, they dismissed my cries for help as teenage angst even though I begged for professional help. It was a very, very dark time for me. I had to take my mental health into my own hands when I was 21, and ever since then I have been the one teaching them about mental health. I don't think they've done any research without me spoonfeeding them. I've hardly felt supported. Unsurprisingly, I was hospitalized last year, and even still they have hardly done an adequate job making me feel cared for.

They didn't hurt me on purpose. But through their ignorance... I feel like they set me up for failure. I've been suffering emotionally for as long as I can remember. I love them -- and they aren't bad people -- but I haven't been able to forgive them. I kind of want to confront them, but I'm not sure what good that would do. A confrontation won't give me my childhood back.

Has anyone else felt this way? How have you processed these feelings?
 
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bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
Messages
3,613
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England
I can totally relate to your post. It is difficult to forgive our parents for such neglect that has given us bpd. I too was dismissed and ignored. For me I could not heal while they were in my life as they were the responsible for my pain. You can try and talk to your parents about how you feel but it is likely they will dismiss everything you say and make you feel worse. That is what mine did to me.

I am truly sorry for your pain. It is really hard to live with it.
 
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I_Was_Punished

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Joined
Dec 8, 2019
Messages
82
Location
UK
Well my father dragged me out of the lounge room and threw me across the stairs before using a belt on me.My mother was in the lounge, i cried to her, begged her to stop him and she ignored me and carried on watching whatever it was she was watching on the television.

Another time my father came to my room with the belt. I was in tears and begged him not to use it on me. He smirked at me and did it anyway.

I was bullied mercilessly for years at school. One morning i was crying in my room and didn't want to go to school for more torture. My mother came to my room and saw me crying. She sat down beside me, i thought she was going to comfort me, but instead she slapped me in the face. I was a scared,bullied child and my mother slapped me in the face.

That's just three examples, i could write a lot more if i wanted.

Do i resent my parents. YES! Do i forgive them? no not really. Did i confront them about it? Yes and when i did they tried to deny that any of it even happened.
 
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Purpleplum

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Feb 7, 2020
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U.S.
I've been there...for years. It caused a lot of anger. Then I realized how they were raised and how they were raising me they way they had been and that's all they knew. It sort of made me feel pity for them. I said I would not be the same as them....I would break the pattern and I did.
 
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Nukelavee

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Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,160
Location
London, ON
I understand how you feel - a lot of my issues were influenced by my parents. Like you, I often wonder about the point of being resentful about it, or bringing it up.

In my experience, ie, for me - no, the time to make it an issue/topic of discussion is past. I can't speak for others, but my parents finally realized how serious my issues are, and are aware of much of their role in how I am. And, now, are very supportive.

It doesn't wipe out years of unhappiness or misery, but - it's made the last 10 years much better.

So, the question is - what would bringing it up get you? Would it make things better or worse between you? Have they changed their attitudes over the years?

Because if they've realized even a portion of their "blame", and tried to change... what more can you reasonably ask for?
 
S

SilverKelpie

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Sep 11, 2020
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Canada
Thank you so much, everyone! I appreciate you sharing your experiences <3 I know it must be painful for some of you to talk about.

So, the question is - what would bringing it up get you? Would it make things better or worse between you? Have they changed their attitudes over the years?
I was diagnosed less than a year ago, and I'm still grappling with the revelation that it was their parenting that's largely responsible for my current circumstances. Even though I was upset about their behaviour before 2019, I now know that their behaviour had serious consequences. I've since put some emotional and physical distance between us while I wrestle with my feelings. I probably need more time to see whether their attitudes have changed.

If I did confront them, they would likely get defensive, as anyone would if they were being attacked for something they can't change. That kind of atmosphere wouldn't make anyone feel good. So maybe it's better that I focus on building my own boundaries and give them time to demonstrate that they want to help me with a healthy future.
 
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Nukelavee

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London, ON
If I did confront them, they would likely get defensive, as anyone would if they were being attacked for something they can't change. That kind of atmosphere wouldn't make anyone feel good. So maybe it's better that I focus on building my own boundaries and give them time to demonstrate that they want to help me with a healthy future.
I think that's a healthy way to look at it. work on yourself, and hope they begin to understand your struggles. They may surprise you.
 
bpdgirl

bpdgirl

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May 9, 2020
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lost
I have had this same exact experience. My cries for help always went unnoticed. I would try to tell them I felt depressed as a teenager and they told me I was being dramatic, rolling their eyes in disgust. Any mention of having a mental illness or wanting to self harm was met by “oh that’s normal for your age.” Not only did they speak to me with a tone, but it was so demeaning, making me feel so small and unheard. I stopped talking and starting hurting myself in various ways. My parents called me crazy and a slut when they found out what I was doing. I will never forgive them. I know it may be immature. I know they love me somehow. My parents always have excuses for the way they acted saying there’s no parenting guide. I will NEVER buy into this. A quick google search and you can figure anything out in minutes. I also have to spoon feed them information that they are too lazy and ignorant to find themselves. The hurt of knowing your parents don’t do a THING to research what’s going on with you or figure out how to help is indescribable. I wish I could have these feelings validated but I’m used to being called crazy, sensitive and immature.
 
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Nukelavee

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My parents always have excuses for the way they acted saying there’s no parenting guide. I will NEVER buy into this. A quick google search and you can figure anything out in minutes.
Telling yourself that will only make you resent your parents more. first - consider your age, and then how new anything like Google was when you were born. Plus, there is a ton of bad advice on Google - what if your parents decided to go full fundamentalist Christian parent on you? Do they chose free range or helicopter style? Tiger mom?

If info on raising kids was that easy to find, everybody would be perfectly suited to their lives.

My parents contributed to my issues, but, again, how were they to know some things? Plus, I was adopted at 6 months, which adds complications. during my teens and twenties, "tough love" was the big thing, which did even more damage.

I'm not saying you had great parents, but I do suggest you think about this stuff more deeply, figure out what it's legit to feel resentful about, rahter than assuming everything was mishandled.

It also helps to try to see them as just people, and to drop the assumption that being old enough to be a parent doesn't mean your mindset is that of a parent. consider that they have issues and weaknesses of their own.

It doesn't erase all the resentment, but it can help reduce how much you feel, and maybe open a way towards a better relationship.
 
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SaraSahara

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Apr 10, 2020
Messages
17
Location
Sweden
I can also relate to what you have said...

The resentment towards ones parents. I have for a long time been bitter because of the upbringing I got, I feel that it got me lacking capabilities one needs to meet the harsh realities of life. Thus I have had a hard start in life as an adult.

I am constantly reminded of the fact that I could have been living the life I want right now, if I had just gotten a "normal" childhood. At the moment, I am struggling every day to get to where I want, and let the past be the past.

My advice to you is, what my sister once told me.

Let the frustration, the dissapointment be the driving force that takes you to where you want to be in life.
Focus on the future, not on where you have been. Focus on putting yourself on the other side of the finish line.
 
bpdgirl

bpdgirl

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Messages
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Telling yourself that will only make you resent your parents more. first - consider your age, and then how new anything like Google was when you were born. Plus, there is a ton of bad advice on Google - what if your parents decided to go full fundamentalist Christian parent on you? Do they chose free range or helicopter style? Tiger mom?

If info on raising kids was that easy to find, everybody would be perfectly suited to their lives.

My parents contributed to my issues, but, again, how were they to know some things? Plus, I was adopted at 6 months, which adds complications. during my teens and twenties, "tough love" was the big thing, which did even more damage.

I'm not saying you had great parents, but I do suggest you think about this stuff more deeply, figure out what it's legit to feel resentful about, rahter than assuming everything was mishandled.

It also helps to try to see them as just people, and to drop the assumption that being old enough to be a parent doesn't mean your mindset is that of a parent. consider that they have issues and weaknesses of their own.

It doesn't erase all the resentment, but it can help reduce how much you feel, and maybe open a way towards a better relationship.
This makes a lot of sense and I appreciate it so much. It’s hard to see the logical side of things when you have bpd. This comment opened my mind even though it’s really painful for me. With that being said, you do not know my parents and what they put me through. So I am just going to respectfully disagree with a portion of what you said. It was right in front of them and they chose to ignore it. Even if they had no clue what was going on with me, they could have at least taken me to a therapist.
 
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Nukelavee

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Location
London, ON
So I am just going to respectfully disagree with a portion of what you said.
That's fair.

My parents ignored my issues for decades, to be honest, and used the tough love attitude much of the time.

At some point, their attitudes changed. Things are better, they are now much more supportive.

I guess I'm saying don't totally reject the possibility that they may become more supportive down the road.
 
S

sab1978

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
170
Location
Canada
Hi all,

I am new to this forum and I am still learning to navigate the pages, so I apologize if this subject has already been addressed. It's something I have been struggling with for a long time.

There is no handbook for parenting; everyone makes the best decisions for their children based on what they know. In my case, my parents didn't intentionally hurt me, but I certainly felt neglected and ignored as a child. As a teen, when my mental illnesses really came to the forefront, they dismissed my cries for help as teenage angst even though I begged for professional help. It was a very, very dark time for me. I had to take my mental health into my own hands when I was 21, and ever since then I have been the one teaching them about mental health. I don't think they've done any research without me spoonfeeding them. I've hardly felt supported. Unsurprisingly, I was hospitalized last year, and even still they have hardly done an adequate job making me feel cared for.

They didn't hurt me on purpose. But through their ignorance... I feel like they set me up for failure. I've been suffering emotionally for as long as I can remember. I love them -- and they aren't bad people -- but I haven't been able to forgive them. I kind of want to confront them, but I'm not sure what good that would do. A confrontation won't give me my childhood back.

Has anyone else felt this way? How have you processed these feelings?
I continue to process the feelings of resentment, anger etc. and I’m in my 40s now. I have come to a point though where I’ve mostly let it all go. They did their best based on their level of awareness, as horrific and pathetic as that was. I focus on the family I’ve created and my wellbeing. I have no relationship with my parents or my brother and that suits me just fine. I stopped expecting any kind of understanding from them and it’s been very liberating. Just try not to make any aspect of your healing dependent on anyone else’s acknowledgement or apology. That includes your parents but also others. This is about you getting better now. Be ruthless in that quest ❤
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,121
I've been there...for years. It caused a lot of anger. Then I realized how they were raised and how they were raising me they way they had been and that's all they knew. It sort of made me feel pity for them. I said I would not be the same as them....I would break the pattern and I did.
This was my epiphany too. When I realized that my mom was not mentally well and that she simply could not grasp what she was doing was wrong. No amount of discussion would change it. It was like finally exhaling and letting it go. It wound up being empowering.
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

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Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
94
Location
Suffolk, VA
When I was younger, my parents (and i believe, given all things, they were right to do so) dismissed my antics and whatnot as typical teenage shenanigans. I can't fault them, because i tended to put on a really good appearance for some things, and kept a "devil may care" approach at others which most assumed was just my basic personality.

It wasn't until years later that all of the puzzle pieces were put together that it painted a very different picture rather than the "it's just how i am" mentality of years past.

While my parents were far from perfect, and there are things i blame them for specifically doing wrong, my mental and physical health are not included. At present, I still don't think they understand it all very well. In particular, my mother treats it as something I can simply get over if i wish/pray/try hard enough to do, even though that's not really feasible, much less how it all works. My father doesn't broach the topic with me, as he's rather taciturn at times, and I don't think he really knows what to say.


I don't resent them as much as, at times....I really wish these proverbial puzzle pieces would have been put together sooner. Mental health is something of a non-conversation with my folks most of the time. I resent that they didn't intervene in situations where i was clearly manic or doing things that were socially/emotionally harmful, even if it would have been to relay that my actions were idiotic or downright wrong.
 
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