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Remembering Too Much

prairiechick

prairiechick

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I keep remembering over and over again. I was 8. My sisters and I, we had a baby-sitter. Her name was Phyllis. She had us pinned down on the bed and tickled us so much that it hurt, and even then she didn't stop. We begged her to stop, but she didn't. She kept tickling us all over, but it didn't feel like tickling anymore. It hurt, and it felt bad. I felt trapped, overpowered. We were crying. I managed to get away from her and call my parents, who were at their Bible study group. They came home, but they gave that baby-sitter another chance. She did the same thing to us all over again the following week, and we called our parents again. We didn't have that baby-sitter ever again. I don't know why it's such a big deal to me now. I never repressed that memory, and I used to only feel complete emotional detachment from those incidents. But now it keeps playing over and over in my head and I can't get the memories out of my head.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Feeling totally flooded. It's like the memories are in my body too, not just in my head. It's too much. This, and all the attachment issues in relation to my mom that are all bubbling to the surface. I can't cope. Every day is torment inside my head. I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I was dead.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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I'm sorry you are in such torment. Can you tell yourself you are safe right now, in a way you weren't then? Then you were powerless and not protected (or listened to or taken seriously), but now as an adult you are stronger and understand more. You can now listen to your feelings and take them seriously, and respond with understanding and compassion. Can you visualise something perhaps that represents safety to you?

I understand about attachment and abandonment issues with regards to your mother, and know I've felt for myself they could never be resolved, but things can improve, good therapy has helped me find more peace with it all. The pain lessens, and becomes more manageable.

I hope you will be ok PC :hug: Keep distracting as much as you can. Do I remember right that you colour mandalas? I saw some lovely colouring books aimed at adults the other day, there was a whole section of them in the bookshop, very beautiful and intricate.
 
S

SandalwoodSummer

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At some point in our lives we have to process our past. It can be painful but it doesn't hurt forever. Keep talking and keep doing nice things for yourself while you are going through this.
 
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