- Jan 3, 2020
- United Kingdom
Yesterday I was diagnosed with BDP. After years of being told I’m bad tempered or nuts or anxious or depressed how I feel and act finally has a name and I don’t know how I feel about it. Part of me is so relieved but part of me is scared to death and another part just feels ashamed. I’ve been told so many times to be normal but I don’t even know what normal is. Why do I appear to embrace conflict or go from lovely to psycho is ten seconds flat. Why do I push people away and then beg them not to leave. Why do I feel such intense feelings yet feel empty inside. I want to overcome this but at the moment I don’t see how, the way I am has been me for so long how can I ever get better or feel like other people do. Have relationships where I don’t feel paranoid 24/7, have a life where I’m not worried about everything. Until yesterday I barely knew what BPD stood for now it’s what defines me and my life and I feel so alone. I know people are judging me for not getting it sorted sooner but mental health has always been something to be ashamed of in my life being diagnosed with depression and anxiety was hard enough but this is a whole new world a world I don’t understand or want to be part of.