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Relationships and me.

Jo1760

Jo1760

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Joined
Oct 25, 2008
Messages
1,507
Location
London
i'm not sure how to start this so here goes.....


I'm 26 and have depression and severe anxiety. I have only been diagnosed for 4 months, but am quite sure I have had it for approximately 5 years if not longer, and only after a push from a friend i got treatment. The first lot of meds had a really bad reaction and set me back further by making me much more anxious with continous suicidal thoughts, I have been on the new ones for 3 months with no real difference in how I felt during my original appointment.


I have always been quite a shy person and never had a massive amount of confidence, however it never really stopped me trying new things. I really consider myself lucky to have a large friend group, although only one person is aware but doesn't understand that I have depression. Lately I have found that whenever i'm out with them, particularly with a largeish group or couples I just feel like crying (sometime i cant contain it and blame being upset on stress from work) and I just want to go home and be on my own. Its such a struggle sometimes to make the effort to go out.



I have never really had a partner and this is something I am very conscious about considering my age and I spend so much time trying to be a good friend and going out of my way to do things for friends and colleagues as I truly feel like i need to do things for other people so they will 'like me'. In truth I have such an incredibly low opinion of myself i don't know how or understand why anyone would ever want to be with me. (I'm sure my friends would be mortified if they knew I thought like that but i cant seem to change my opinion and I really have tried to think more positively).



I really don't know how to go about finding someone who might want to spend time with me for me, because at the moment i feel so completely lonely that maybe having someone to just give me a hug when i need it would be perfect. Please don't get me wrong i don't just want someone in my life to vent my frustration too.



I'm sorry i've gone on for such a long time, i'm just at such a low point I have no idea how to get myself back up.
 
jdoe123

jdoe123

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Dec 16, 2008
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150
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forum

I am glad you joined the forum and I think its a good place for people to talk about their problems. Anxiety can hold you prisoner if you let it.... so don't. I am sending lots of hugs your way...
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Trying to find a partner isn't the walk in the park that it can seem to be for some people. I know someone who met his future wife when they were 17 and they waited 8 years before marrying to make sure. I waited 5 months and guess who's the divorced one.

But trying to initiate a relationship and maintain one when you're depressed isn't the best of ideas. When you become stable you can be entirely different and that can lead to problems.

You say you try to be a good friend - how about letting your friends be a good friend to you? You have to realise that you're allowed to receive their love and take a rest from putting quite so much into friendships. If we don't take care of ourselves we have nothing to give.

Confide in the friend who gave you the push, return to the GP and say that you want a medication review - this could mean increasing the dosage or considering other options - and keep coming back here and posting.

Things will be different one day.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Hi Jo; I have been single for over 10 years now, & largely I have gotten used to it.

Personally I don't agree that meds are the sole/main solution, sometimes no meds are best. I take a low does of one med & I wish/hope that one day I can get off it.

What has worked for me is allowing myself the space & time to heal. It has been a long slow process for me; & an ongoing one. Things have improved over time. Dollit is right in allowing people to be our friends. I have learnt; & am still learning that I also need to be a good friend to others, & be as good to myslef as I can.

You are young; things can & will change.

I hope that things work out for you.
 
Jo1760

Jo1760

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Messages
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Thank you for your kind words and advice, it is very much appreciated. I’m sorry my original posting was so long, I just don’t feel great and needed to vent how I was feeling somewhere.

I have an appointment with my GP at the end of next week to review my medication so hopefully I can try a higher dose or be given something that may work a little better for me, I’m sure these should have had some sort of effect after 13 weeks. Am also going to see if there is anything else she can suggest.

I completely agree also with what you said about my friends being friends to me and I really know I should do this but I guess I’m so anxious that I feel if I don’t behave in a particular way that they will think less of me. I’ve spent so long in this cycle that it’s a struggle to get out.

I am going to speak to my friend next week also, she also suffers from depression so will understand but again it just goes back to idea that I feel like I’m being a burden if I talk about it. I’m sure she wont see it that way but I feel so silly talking about it as I quite often get stupidly upset when trying to explain everything. I’m so much better at writing down how I feel rather than speaking about it.
Thank you again.
 
S

saffron

Guest
hi jo and welcome.
never apologise for asking for someones time, you are as important as anyone and I bet you will give them as much time as they want. so you do not have to be sorry for expecting someone to listen, that goes for on here as well, make your posts as long as you need them to be. its ok.

it can be very exausting going out and having to socialise all the time, especially when you just want to sit quietly and relax. could you not haave a few friends round for a girls night in for once, it will give you a better opportunity to chat and relax without worrying about loads of other people in the group.
hope that makes sense. we are always here for you.
take care
S
 
Jo1760

Jo1760

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2008
Messages
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Location
London
hi jo and welcome.
never apologise for asking for someones time, you are as important as anyone and I bet you will give them as much time as they want. so you do not have to be sorry for expecting someone to listen, that goes for on here as well, make your posts as long as you need them to be. its ok.

it can be very exausting going out and having to socialise all the time, especially when you just want to sit quietly and relax. could you not haave a few friends round for a girls night in for once, it will give you a better opportunity to chat and relax without worrying about loads of other people in the group.
hope that makes sense. we are always here for you.
take care
S
Thank you for taking the time to reply Saffron. And I think you are right that I should speak to someone about how I feel, I just stress so much about being a burden to people and their time. I think maybe I have the view that it doesn't matter if i stress or go out of my way because then i'll be liked... I dont know, i'm not sure what to think at the moment.
It's also very true that going out can be quite stressful at the moment all I want to do is stay inside and I feel I have to force myself to socialise, maybe a girls night in might be a good idea.

Thank you so much again.

X
 
S

saffron

Guest
Talking always helps and finding the right time to have discussions about deep feelings can be especially hard if you are in the middle of a big group. but as you said you have good friends and ones that are going through the same thing, so they might appreciate a girls night in too, doesnt have to be anything heavy but will give you all a better chance to chat about each others feelings, including yours as you are important too, always tell yourself that.
sometimes when depressed you have a very low opinion of yourself and so feel that you are not worthy of being listened too, but you will find it easier if you gradually let go with your feelings and hopefully realise that people want you to share things about yourself as well as being there for them, . if nothing else it will be a release as holding things in can be a real burden. I have felt like this for years and am gradually forcing myself to be braver in sharing, and I have been pleasantly surprised and wished I had done it along time ago cos I dont think I would have f*cked up so many relationships if I had.
anyway best of luck to you and remember we are alway here to listen.
take care
s
 
Jo1760

Jo1760

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2008
Messages
1,507
Location
London
Talking always helps and finding the right time to have discussions about deep feelings can be especially hard if you are in the middle of a big group. but as you said you have good friends and ones that are going through the same thing, so they might appreciate a girls night in too, doesnt have to be anything heavy but will give you all a better chance to chat about each others feelings, including yours as you are important too, always tell yourself that.
sometimes when depressed you have a very low opinion of yourself and so feel that you are not worthy of being listened too, but you will find it easier if you gradually let go with your feelings and hopefully realise that people want you to share things about yourself as well as being there for them, . if nothing else it will be a release as holding things in can be a real burden. I have felt like this for years and am gradually forcing myself to be braver in sharing, and I have been pleasantly surprised and wished I had done it along time ago cos I dont think I would have f*cked up so many relationships if I had.
anyway best of luck to you and remember we are alway here to listen.
take care
s
Thank you Saffron, and yes your correct I really do have a terribly low opinion of myself and I think thats one reason why I feel the way I do about talking to others and considering myself a burden. I do regularly think because I have such a dislike for most things about me, I wonder why others could possibly think any better. I know that sounds really silly but as much as i have tried i cant get out of that train of thinking.

I am going to try and speak more to my friend and pluck up the courage to be a bit more open about what is going on with me, as bottling up how I feel just seems to be making me feel worse and more anxious in social situations.

I have tried also to come up with a few ideas of things i'd like to change this year to give me some goals to work towards. Just to give me something positive to focus on, also if/ when I complete them it may help my self esteem a little too and help me to get back on a good track again.

Thank you.

X
 
S

saffron

Guest
Morning Jo
I think setting small realistic goals for yourself is a brilliant confidence booster, it certainly works for sports psychology, self affirmations are great also, start with small challenges for yourself and work from that, whats the worse that could happen anyway.
I found when I actually started talking more openly to some of my friends, they were amazed that I felt like that and thought I was the most together carefree and helpful person they had meet, I should be on stage, and others just thought I did not like them because I never told them anything about myself, I thought hang on thats not me at all. I even plucked the courage up to just chat to someone I thought would just laugh in my face, that took a long time beleive me, but I thought whats the worse they can do, it turns out that they thought I was to intimidating to approach because of my aloof behaviour.
you feel thaat your not worthy? who is?
Best of luck and let us know how you are doing ok, we are here for you .
S
 
Jo1760

Jo1760

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2008
Messages
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Location
London
Thank you Saffron. It was a very interesting article and certinaly something I will look into in more detail. I have an appointment tomo with my GP so i'm really keeping my fingers crossed that she will be able to help me a little more, that maybe my medication can be increased or yet again I can try something new to get me back on track. I'm really hoping also that she can put me in touch with a professional to talk to, i think thats what I really could do with at the moment, someone who understands where I dont feel I need to 'act', even for an hour I can be myself without hiding behind a 'happy mask'.

Thank you for your help and understanding, I cant begin to tell you how much i appreciate your support.

Jo
X
 
S

saffron

Guest
yeah my mask is gradually thinning out and now I am beginning to believe that I too have the right to have an off day as well as anyone else and that I have the right to let people know how I feel as I am as important as the next person and that my feelings are real.
the 'happy mask' is very tiring to keep on isn't it.
I am glad I have been able to help. I found his work very enlightening and helpful. If you want to PM me to talk further on the subject please feel free to do so. Or we could start a thread and get others to join in, it up to you. Good luck with the GP. Keep us posted ok.
best wishes
S
 
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