Relationship with parents

M

Markkc88

New member
Joined
Mar 17, 2019
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2
Location
Lincoln
#1
Hi everyone, I am hoping to tell my story and see what everyone thinks about the situation and maybe try and figure out what’s going wrong and how I should deal with it.

So - I am just about to turn 31 years old, I got married 8 months ago and purchased a house a year ago.
I own my own business and have recently decided that I want to do something better and started to train as a paramedic.

Since I can remember the relationship with parents has been difficult. I remember being maybe 10 and being afraid of my father and seeing my siblings being treat very different to me.
At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes which had an effect on my life in general and from what I can remember I received no support and was told to get on with it and grow up.
Forgive me for skipping through a lot of this but the story would take days to write otherwise, I’m just giving you the brief details.
So when I started secondary school I wasn’t the best of people, I lost my way, got in with bad crowds and to be honest was an absolute nightmare, this carried on for a few years.
I always remember when I was 15 my parents booked a holiday without telling me, I later found out that my brother and sister were going and when I asked if I could go they said if you want to come the. None of us are going - as I’m sure you can imagine that really hurt and I was left at home for 2 weeks.
I moved out of home at 17 and never really got on with my parents. They just couldn’t seem to put the past behind them no matter how much I had changed, I had a good job, tried my best in life etc.
So at the age of 27, I split up with my partner of 10 years after she cheated on me and maxed all of my credit cards out etc and left me in a bit of a state, I moved back to my parents until I could sort out the debts and get a new place, I was working, paying my way etc.
Shortly after this I broke my leg in 6 places and was in a mess, I couldn’t stand, walk or work for a while, again no help was offered, I was left for 8-10 hours at a time on my own despite being completely unable to take care of myself, during all of this is was trying to come to terms with what my ex partner had done to me and I recieved no support at all, nothing, whenever I wanted to talk I was cut off and told they didn’t want to hear it etc, this later led me to having counselling as I couldn’t deal with it all.
Shortly after my leg had healed and I was back at work I came home to find my father in a terrible mood, I asked what was wrong and without hesitation he laid into me accusing me of stealing £1000 from his safe, I had absolutely no idea what he was on about and certainly wasn’t to blame but this didn’t stop him from throwing me out on the street, weirdly a few days later he came and spoke to me and never mentioned it again, no explanation and no apology, to this day I have no idea what went on.
So as I said I’m now 31, I’m married, own a home and business etc etc.
I’m a good person, I’m kind, I always try and help people when I ca. Including my parents and yet they seem to hate me.
Last week I took time out to drive my father 100 miles away to buy a new car, I taxed it and insured it for him and sorted out the money for him as he didn’t know what to do online, I then put his current car on sale and sorted out various other things which took days.
Just today he asked me if I could sort out a problem he was having with a company that he made a purchase from, I’m extremely busy and have very limited time to myself as it is and the work he needed was weeks worth, legal papers. Online stuff and more.
I told him I was too busy and wouldn’t be able to do but said I’d advise and help him do it by talking him through bits and pieces to make it easier.
Well he kicked right off, I was selfish, spoilt, nasty, ungrateful and more.
Me and my wife left and I got a message from my mother saying how awful I am and that my dad always helps me etc.
Last time my dad helped me he sent me a bill down to the penny, and I’m talki the even included £3 for fuel.
Obviotthis is only a very small portion of what goes on, I’m really finding it hard to deal with and if you think what you have already read is bad then imagine that happening every couple of Months, the mental abuse and pure nastiness.
I’m really not sure if I’m right or wrong, I’ve been told how bad I am so many times that sometimes I actually believe it.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Mar 9, 2012
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#2
To be honest, he sounds completely toxic, sounds like you're better off not having him in your life (your dad I mean) :hug:
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
495
#3
Well at least you have your own life now and you are married so that's a new beginning for you. If your relationship with your parents is unhealthy then you need to keep them arms length. You're an adult now you don't really need them for anything. It's hard because parents are such a huge factor in your life but we all need to stop viewing our parents as the almighty gods at some point, they are just human beings with flaws like the rest of us. Don't take their opinions of you as gospel, likely the way they treat you is imbued with some element of their own upbringing or feelings of inadequacy, as much as it was unfair of them to treat you that way. Often parents make their children feel small to regain lost power, which is sick and infuriating but understanding that for what it is can help you move on. Also there is a weird natural tendency for parents to show favouritism and for that to fuel sibling rivalry. Sounds like you felt like a bit of a black sheep maybe you were less obedient or more of an 'out the box' thinker, less of a yes person. I'd take that and view it as a positive. At the end of the day you are your own person, you have your own business. Life's shitty in that you often carry your childhood issues forward with you and I'm sorry no one supported you through your diabetes. Maybe you should seek some counselling or group therapy to help address the feelings you have from childhood and help you heal. Also enjoying your relationship with your wife and continuing to be a kind person will help you win every time.
 
M

Markkc88

New member
Joined
Mar 17, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Lincoln
#4
Well at least you have your own life now and you are married so that's a new beginning for you. If your relationship with your parents is unhealthy then you need to keep them arms length. You're an adult now you don't really need them for anything. It's hard because parents are such a huge factor in your life but we all need to stop viewing our parents as the almighty gods at some point, they are just human beings with flaws like the rest of us. Don't take their opinions of you as gospel, likely the way they treat you is imbued with some element of their own upbringing or feelings of inadequacy, as much as it was unfair of them to treat you that way. Often parents make their children feel small to regain lost power, which is sick and infuriating but understanding that for what it is can help you move on. Also there is a weird natural tendency for parents to show favouritism and for that to fuel sibling rivalry. Sounds like you felt like a bit of a black sheep maybe you were less obedient or more of an 'out the box' thinker, less of a yes person. I'd take that and view it as a positive. At the end of the day you are your own person, you have your own business. Life's shitty in that you often carry your childhood issues forward with you and I'm sorry no one supported you through your diabetes. Maybe you should seek some counselling or group therapy to help address the feelings you have from childhood and help you heal. Also enjoying your relationship with your wife and continuing to be a kind person will help you win every time.
Thankyou for your kind reply, trying to tell a story that’s 20 years long is impossible but wanted to give a general idea as to how things are.
There are many many times I can point out that we’re particularly horrible, at 1 point when I was 14, struggling g with Diabetes and some depression as well as the nastiness I tried to end it all, when I woke in hospital a few days later I was told that my parents didn’t want me at home and that I would have to live in a home etc.
My dad just finished a £50,000 extension and renovation on my sisters home that he laid for in full and yet he billed me for some minor bits and pieces that was about £400, not that I don’t mind paying it’s more the point of it.
There’s so many things and my head is completely messed up over it all, I’m always told that I will fail, when I told them I was retraining to be a paramedic they said that I wouldn’t be able to do it.
I find it hard to work out if I’m actually to blame and maybe I’m the one in the wrong as I find it so hard to believe that parents could be so dismissive and horrible without reason
 
R

Rax

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Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Caribbean
#5
Its called having narcissistic parents . I have similar experiences to yours . used to cry myself to sleep in when I was like 7 . cause my mom ( we have a better relationship now) never like me very much and treated me differently also and said stuff and turned my sisters against me . one particular sister has a deep hate for me . we have no relationship anyway time heals a lot of things . it took me having really bad panic attacks for my mom to stop her behavior towards me cause the doctor had a talk with her . You did the right thing moving out . most likely your parents grew up in dysfunctional homes and have develop some sort of personality disorder or can't help but be mean . mind you I was the most well behaved of my sisters and I'm pretty smart too . Ignore it . Enjoy your life and when u see them show them nothing but love . idk what to tell you cause alot
 
daffy

daffy

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#6
Run as fast as you can. If your parents need help they have your siblings to help them. You have got you’re own business house and wife. You don’t need them. I can imagine as they get older they will demand more from you. If you want to retrain as a paramedic go ahead and do it. We only have one life and it’s not worth wasting your energies on a family that don’t appreciate you .

Daf
 

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