Relationship sites?

[dib4uk]

Question- how can a person go about finding dates/relationships when their more of the time unstable? I think that for me to be stable i need things other people have and take them for granted.

I have bpd and bipola and I was wondering how I would approach this on a dating site? or even find anyone suitble that can handle me?

 

[Apotheosis]

I have given up on dating sites - Recently I changed my profile on one of them with complete honesty about work, addiction & MH history - No one has messaged me.

 

[cloudberry]

I have given up on dating sites - Recently I changed my profile on one of them with complete honesty about work, addiction & MH history - No one has messaged me.

I did that once, I was so exhasperated with the corny "oh you are wonderful babe" replies i was getting (as a woman, of course, even if you only have one eye and thats in the middle of your forehead and your name is Quasimodoess you get loads of replies).

I changed it to "I am a nightmare before my period and I have a touch of athletes foot, but nothing to worry about, I still like my toes sucking" LOL

That sorted the men from the boys i can tell you!!!

 

[TheRedStar]

I tried a couple of these sites 3-4 years ago... it was one of the more demoralising experiences I've been through in the context of dating and relationships. Basically, I messaged around 20 women, only got about two replies, those only came before I was able to put a photo up, and once I had a picture on my profile no-one I sent a message to got back to me.

As popular as such methods of meeting people are becoming, I'm highly dubious of them and that's not totally down to my own personal experience. The thing is, I'm frankly uncomfortable with having to reduce myself to a human checklist and a trite personal statement, with an awkward photo attached. Conversely, I'm also quite uncomfortable with judging other people with nothing more to go on than those things.

The way I see it, what makes a person who they are isn't so much their personal traits, but how those traits interact with each other to make up the whole; that's the magic of who someone is, at least to my mind.

I mean no offense by this - it's merely an observation - but judging from a lot of profiles I've seen it's very clear to me as to why a lot of women are on such sites. Many have a ridiculously long and detailed list of 'musts', others have completely contradictory requirements, and some have both. I'm sure it's the same with a lot of men though... it's just that, being heterosexual, I didn't look through mens' profiles!

I had an amusing experience several days ago... after seeing a few adverts on television, I decided to make a profile on eHarmony. After a long - but, to be fair, interesting - process, I completed this profile only to be told that eHarmony was 'unable to match me at that time'. Apparently, their matching model 'could not accurately predict with whom I would best be matched', and I'm one of the 20% of people who 'simply will not benefit from their service.'

Great - so now the sites are rejecting me before any of the women on them have a chance to do so! It was such a 'fu*k my life' moment that it went so far beyond depressing as to be actually funny.

My amusement didn't end there though. At the end of the rejection message I was told that I could still view my personality profile. I decided to do this, partly because I was curious and partly as a result of not wanting the whole thing to be a complete waste of time. When I reached the section about 'Emotional Stability' I was expecting to take a hammering. Far from it however - I was described as 'Very steady'

Oh, how I laughed...

 

[schiz01]

A good dating site is http://www.nolongerlonely.com/
Its free and it specifically for people with MH issues

 

[Apotheosis]

A good dating site is http://www.nolongerlonely.com/
Its free and it specifically for people with MH issues

Tried that one - there are very few people in the UK on that site. I sent a lot of messages; & was mainly ignored.

I have no idea what makes me so unattractive to women?

 

[TheRedStar]

I have no idea what makes me so unattractive to women?

About a month or so ago I asked this question of a recently acquired female friend, and from what I've 'seen' of you on here I'm thinking that her answer might be just as applicable to yourself.

She told me that it's very obvious I possess a strong personality, that my views and emotions are very powerful and that I'm open and forthright about them. She said that she thinks a lot of people - of either gender - simply don't know how to take someone like me, and so - from the female point of view - certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me.

I'm not sure I agree with her - I think she overestimates the strength of my personality, and even if she's right I always thought that 'strong' men were meant to be attractive, but nevertheless I'm always interested in a woman's view.

However, I feel that she indirectly touches upon something that I've long thought; truly - and, again, I mean no offense here; it's just an observation - I have a suspicion that a lot of women don't like men whose emotional depth is at a similar level to their own. I believe that it detracts from our 'dependability' and 'stability' - both of which women definitely love - and, to be honest, a more cynical aspect of myself wonders if women prefer to be the 'emotional one', and so feel as though their toes are being trodden on if a man can match them in this area; it 'threatens' what they see as their domain.

I can tell you this - admittedly cynical - observation; so many women (note - I didn't say all women!) claim they want a 'sensitive' man, but then reject any who actually approach them!

 

[Apotheosis]

I can tell you this - admittedly cynical - observation; so many women (note - I didn't say all women!) claim they want a 'sensitive' man, but then reject any who actually approach them!

There is an aspect of what you have written being true. Dating is a game of manipulation, illusion & deceit.

I have also found that the last thing a woman appears to want is someone open, honest, sensitive, & in touch with their emotions. However much they bleat on about it; the simple fact is that it's rubbish.

 

[shaky]

so many women (note - I didn't say all women!) claim they want a 'sensitive' man, but then reject any who actually approach them!

I think it's a misinterpretation of the word 'sensitive' between the sexes.
When a man says he is 'sensitive' he means that he is easily hurt or just aware of his own feelings.
When a woman says she wants someone 'sensitive' she means she wants a man who knows how SHE feels. I.e. is sensitive to HER not to himself.
In other words, both sexes are looking at the word from their own point fo view.

 

[TheRedStar]

I have also found that the last thing a woman appears to want is someone open, honest, sensitive, & in touch with their emotions. However much they bleat on about it; the simple fact is that it's rubbish.

I agree, but if women were open and honest about this truth then I'd actually think none the less of them; my annoyance stems from the seeming fact that - for reasons known only to themselves - they have this compulsion to keep talking the talk in this respect even though they can't walk the walk and, deep down, damn well know it!

I think it's a misinterpretation of the word 'sensitive' between the sexes.
When a man says he is 'sensitive' he means that he is easily hurt or just aware of his own feelings.
When a woman says she wants someone 'sensitive' she means she wants a man who knows how SHE feels. I.e. is sensitive to HER not to himself.
In other words, both sexes are looking at the word from their own point fo view.

I agree with this too, but here's the rub - I don't think I've ever known a man, or woman for that matter, who has one of those aspects without the other; sensitivity for others pretty much always comes with a certain sensitivity for the self, and conversely a lack of one generally denotes a lack of the other.

I'm quite sure that all women would like a man who only ever emotionally indulges her and never feels the need to do the same for himself. We all want to be able to have our cake and eat it - I'd like a woman who looks like Eliza Dushku and has the IQ of Carol Vorderman. Plus I'd like for there to actually be real pots of gold at the end of every rainbow and to be the sole winner of a EuroMillions rollover - but it ain't gonna happen!

 

[Apotheosis]

I'd like a woman who looks like Eliza Dushku and has the IQ of Carol Vorderman. Plus I'd like for there to actually be real pots of gold at the end of every rainbow and to be the sole winner of a EuroMillions rollover - but it ain't gonna happen!

Isn't this a pertinent point ~ That we have expectations, wants & needs that will likely never be fulfilled? For whatever the reason. I can relate this to the lack of MH care; & the exclusion of the help that I want. & with women, the longer that I have been alone, the more fussy; & picky I have got. I see all the things that are wrong as soon as I meet people. That doesn't stop me looking for the best in others. But do I really want a girlfriend that gets drunk every weekend, that has been around the block, that has as much or more baggage than me, that demands attention the whole time, & that plays games & is prone to manipulation & emotional outbursts?

Call me a misogynist; or cynical - but I don't really see what is so attractive about most women these days anyway? Of the women that I know; most of them can't cook, they are not clean, they are spoilt & selfish, they moan the whole time, they appear highly emotionally unbalanced & they are as misandrist themselves as any misogynist ever is; as to be the norm now. They use their 'womanhood' to play men, & the norm is to cheat & play musical relationships. I would much rather continue to be single than to have a repeat of any of the women that I have been in relationships with in the past.

Not to say that there are not good women out there; as I do know some real gems in my life - but they are very few & far between; & certainly not the norm.

Am I going to find a loving, understanding woman; with beauty & intelligence that can I can relate to & communicate with on a level playing field? If I did, it would truly be a miracle.

 

[TheRedStar]

A good dating site is http://www.nolongerlonely.com/
Its free and it specifically for people with MH issues

After some thought, I decided to have a look at this site and create a profile. As Apotheosis said there aren't too many Brits, but I've found one woman in my local area who is doing exactly the same degree course as me... she might even be at the same university as me, as my course isn't exactly a widely taught one.

I've thought about once again putting a profile onto 'normal' sites, but I know I'm not going to get anywhere. Let's face it - if I write the truth, which is that quite frankly I don't give a sh*t about mortgages, careers, and money, that I don't want children, and that long-term plans and 'security' bore the crap out of me, and I like to live for today and think about tomorrow when it comes, then even if I looked like George Clooney I wouldn't get anywhere. I mean, virtually every profile features something like 'I'm career-minded', 'I want an ambitious man' (and by ambition they mean career ambition. I mean, I'm ambitious - I want to one day be Prime Minister, I want to write a million-selling novel, I want to be a racing car driver - but these women want what they see as realistic ambitions, not quixotic ones), and other such trite, grey conformism which you just know means they want you mortgaged-up within a year and have your entire lives planned up to and including your funerals. I tried that once... I felt half-dead at the age of 26, and consequently got out of the relationship.

Plus I don't look like George Clooney. Far from it. I know how many e-mails women get on these sites, and as such know that you have to be pretty good-looking to get even an acknowledgement, let alone a date.

Isn't this a pertinent point ~ That we have expectations, wants & needs that will likely never be fulfilled? For whatever the reason. I can relate this to the lack of MH care; & the exclusion of the help that I want. & with women, the longer that I have been alone, the more fussy; & picky I have got. I see all the things that are wrong as soon as I meet people. That doesn't stop me looking for the best in others. But do I really want a girlfriend that gets drunk every weekend, that has been around the block, that has as much or more baggage than me, that demands attention the whole time, & that plays games & is prone to manipulation & emotional outbursts?

Call me a misogynist; or cynical - but I don't really see what is so attractive about most women these days anyway? Of the women that I know; most of them can't cook, they are not clean, they are spoilt & selfish, they moan the whole time, they appear highly emotionally unbalanced & they are as misandrist themselves as any misogynist ever is; as to be the norm now. They use their 'womanhood' to play men, & the norm is to cheat & play musical relationships. I would much rather continue to be single than to have a repeat of any of the women that I have been in relationships with in the past.

Not to say that there are not good women out there; as I do know some real gems in my life - but they are very few & far between; & certainly not the norm.

I can absolutely understand where you're coming from here. I totally and utterly agree on the point of how misandrist many women have become, and will add that I believe they're becoming hypocritical too in demanding standards of men that they can't offer in return.

I also know, and have known, a few female gems in my time. However, they are/were either well and truly snapped up (unsurprisingly!), or don't/didn't want to be with anyone. To be honest, my observation is that when it comes to women at/around my own age (31), the good ones are taken and the rest are either too badly damaged to have a relationship, too up their own arses to deign to date anyone who isn't tall, dark, handsome, rich, and with a MENSA level IQ, or they simply don't want to be in a relationship.

I'll give you an example of the kind of nonsense some women come out with, which was said by someone I actually know... it relates to a comment that Neferakhet wrote in another thread, regarding his jeans. Basically, this woman turned someone down for a date because she 'didn't like his shoes'. Really... what a load of utterly pointless, irrelevant, superficial, crap. She's actually someone I'd long held some attraction for, but as soon as I heard that I lost any and all of that attraction. Personally I'm too worried about having a conversation with someone to worry about their footwear, and I thought it was us men who were supposed to be the shallow ones?! I wear trainers whenever I can, and only wear shoes when I absolutely have to... frankly, if that's the difference to someone between them being willing to date me and not willing to date me, then to my mind they're a moron.

 

[Apotheosis]

... frankly, if that's the difference to someone between them being willing to date me and not willing to date me, then to my mind they're a moron.

Sadly - the majority of people are morons.

 

[Apotheosis]

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[schiz01]

I can't wait for a woman to find this post.......you guys are guna get pwned